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There are always enough people who want to make life difficult for us. But experts, psychotherapists and coaches will help make it easier. A few tips on how to get rid of emotional trash and clean up the house and thoughts.
Relations with a loved one are on the verge of breaking up, things fall out of a crowded closet, a dozen strangers are knocking on “friends” on social networks, there is no free space left on a piece of paper with a to-do list … When hands drop in front of many tasks, and anxiety and stress overwhelm, competing with the flow information, it’s time to bring simplicity and clarity to life, to revise and get rid of everything superfluous.
Making your own life a little easier does not mean letting everything take its course, showing carelessness and frivolity. This means freeing up personal space, external and internal, in order to finally fill it with what is really expensive, to focus on your needs, goals and values. Such putting in order allows you to get out of a passive state and take responsibility for life.
A few tips on how to gain power over things, feelings, relationships.
1. Use “autopilot”
It would seem that the more conscious actions we perform, the better. But it’s not. The need to deliberately manage each step causes decision fatigue. The term was coined by psychologist Roy Baumeister of the University of Florida. If the energy that we spend on planning actions is running out, the brain tries by all means to avoid making new decisions. This leads to shirking, fatigue and illness.
The way out is to turn most of the daily activities into a routine, says artist and blogger Yana Frank, author of the book “The Muse and the Beast. How to organize creative work” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2017). Everything that is familiar to us, we do without the participation of emotions and with minimal expenditure of energy. Do not decide whether to do exercises in the morning, and shopping on Saturday – just do it. The more daily habits you develop, the more you’ll get done and the less stress you’ll experience. And for the task to become routine, you need to do it regularly, at about the same time. In twenty days, she will switch to autopilot, freeing her strength for creativity, communication, love.
2. Challenge your irrational beliefs
Unhealthy, destructive emotions often prevent us from living – they seem to blind, deprive us of control over the situation and the ability to follow our goals. “What to do? Find out which irrational beliefs caused this emotion, change them to rational ones, and only then act,” explains cognitive psychotherapist Dmitry Frolov. One of these beliefs is demanding expectations of oneself, others, and the world (“I must always please people because I want to”). To challenge it means to understand that neither we ourselves, nor other people, nor the world are obliged to conform to our desires. But we can try to influence all this so that desires become a reality.
There are many complex phenomena in the world, but hardly anything can be called truly unbearable.
Another belief is the devaluation or idealization of oneself and others (“I’m a failure if I’m not liked” or “I’m a tough guy if I’m liked”). To challenge it means to understand that everyone has advantages and disadvantages, the scale of which is subjective and relative. To challenge the third belief, “catastrophe” (the perception of trouble as a universal horror), it will help to remind you that truly terrible events are rare and we have ways to deal with them.
Finally, by challenging frustration intolerance—the treatment of complex things as unbearably complex—we will come to the idea that there are many complex phenomena in the world, but hardly anything can be called truly unbearable. As a result of such work, we will experience healthy emotions more often, enjoy life more and cope with difficulties more easily.
3. Get rid of junk regularly
Clothes, utensils, souvenirs, old medicines imperceptibly accumulate in cabinets and on shelves, cluttering up space and disturbing peace of mind. “Keep only what brings joy in the house,” urges Marie Kondo, author of the KonMari Method and the book Magical Cleaning (E, 2015). How? Take out all the things from the shelves, hold each one in your hands. Listen to see if she evokes warm feelings. If this thing makes you happy, keep it. The one you decide to get rid of, thank for the good service.
Items that are dear as a memory of the events of the past are sometimes the main source of disorder. Kondo offers to spend some time with a valuable thing for us, take a picture of it and come to terms with the fact that it no longer belongs to today’s life.
Throwing away everything superfluous, you can begin to restore cleanliness. “When you clean, you have a very clear understanding of what you need and don’t need in life, what you should and shouldn’t do,” she concludes. “And get rid of the secondary for the sake of the main.”
4. Return to the present
Why does this make things easier? “Because only from the current moment are we able to influence real life and build healthy relationships,” says coach Natalia Mozhzhanova. Sometimes, communicating with a person, we experience feelings for him that are incommensurably stronger than the situation that allegedly caused them.
Do a simple exercise. Write on a piece of paper the name of this person and the feelings that you have for him. Remember who he reminds you of, preferably someone from childhood. Think about how both of these people are similar: appearance, age, movements, actions, character traits – write down from 5 to 10 points.
It is important to separate the interlocutor from the “image of the past” and realize that we now have a different person in front of us
“Because of the similarity, you seemed to “put on” the image of one person on another and transferred those feelings to him,” the expert explains. To get back to reality, think about how these people are different. Although this is not easy, still focus on the differences as much as possible and write down 5-10 points.
The exercise helps to separate the interlocutor from the “image of the past” and to realize that the one we are meeting now is a different person. This reduces stress and allows for effective communication.
5. Become an “arch”
“If we want to unload our life, we need to load it with something fantastically useful,” says logotherapist Svetlana Shtukareva. – In ancient times, in order for the arch to stand firmly, a load was placed on top of it. But cargo is not synonymous with trash. This is the goal to be realized, this is the demand of the moment to which we give life a meaningful response. The simplest thing that can be done to strengthen the “arch” is to carefully look around: what exactly at the moment requires us to the greatest extent? It can be very simple things, but necessary at the moment – to ask for forgiveness, bake a cake, change a diaper for a sick person, look at the sky …
“If you do not respond, then the opportunity to fulfill the demand of the moment will die,” the expert explains. “The immortality of something important depends on us, whether it be a word or a deed – we can give life to something by realizing it in space.” We need such challenges of meaning, they do not complicate being, but, on the contrary, fill the “existential vacuum” (Viktor Frankl’s expression) with what is really dear to us.