What comes first for us? The answer to this question clears our mind, simplifies our schedule, and saves time and energy. It gives us the opportunity to do what is really valuable to us.
Tatyana is 38 years old. She has a husband, two children and a clear routine from the morning alarm clock to the evening lessons. “I have nothing to complain about,” she wonders, “but I often feel tired, irritated and somehow empty. It seems that something important is missing, but I don’t understand what it is.”
Many men and women live against their will on autopilot, set up and programmed for them by others. Sometimes it’s because they said “no” to themselves, but more often than not it’s because they didn’t dare to say “yes”.
Our personal life is no exception: over time, what we entered into a relationship for is overwritten by everyday life – everyday tasks and minor conflicts, so we are faced with the need to change something in relations with our loved ones. If we do not do this and continue to move “on the thumb”, then we lose strength and interest in life. Over time, this condition can turn into depression.
Time to be an amateur
“Clients with a similar problem come to me more and more often,” says medical psychologist Sergey Malyukov. – And then, for starters, I propose to decide: what really pleases you? Then find out how this feeling appears, why at this moment. Maybe this is the realization of some of your quality or trait. And they just can be the thread that will return the taste of life. It would be nice to remember yourself in those periods when everything was in order, and to understand what activities, what relationships occupied most of my life. Ask yourself why it was important.”
You can go the opposite way: isolate those activities and relationships that give rise to depression, boredom, dissatisfaction, and try to find out what is wrong with them. But this way, according to the psychologist, is more difficult.
Tatyana turned to a psychotherapist, and he invited her to remember what she loved in childhood. “At first, nothing came to my mind, but then I realized: I went to the art studio! I liked to draw, but there was not enough time, I abandoned this activity and completely forgot it. After the conversation, she decided to resume it. Having found time for an art school for adults, Tatyana is surprised to understand that all this time she has lacked creativity.
When we know the rules and regulations too well and operate on autopilot, we lose our sense of novelty, surprise, and excitement.
We sometimes ignore our needs for years. Hobbies sometimes seem insignificant compared to work or family responsibilities. There are other reasons why we forgo activities that were once important to us.
“They cease to please when they become a routine and the original idea is blurred, for the sake of which we started doing this at all,” explains Sergey Malyukov. – If we talk about a hobby or work, then this can be when we are pressured by too many ideas about how to do it right. For example, ideas that you need to achieve certain success by a certain date, use specific techniques, compare yourself with others. Such “external” installations over time obscure the essence of our business.
Excessive professionalism can also lead to this result: when we know the rules and norms too well and act on autopilot, we lose the sense of novelty, surprise and excitement. Where does interest and joy come from? The way out is to learn new things, try to do something different or in a different way. Remember what it means to be an amateur. And allow yourself to be wrong again.
Not everything is under control
“I don’t know what I want, I don’t feel that it’s good for me” … Such a state can be the result of severe fatigue, exhaustion. Then we need a thoughtful and complete rest. But sometimes not knowing your priorities is actually a rejection, behind which lies an unconscious fear of failure. Its roots go back to childhood, when strict parents demanded an urgent solution to the tasks set for the top five.
The only possible form of passive protest against uncompromising parental attitudes is the decision not to decide and not to choose. In addition, by refusing to emphasize, we maintain the illusion of omnipotence and control over the situation. If we do not choose, then we will not experience defeat.
We must recognize our right to make mistakes and be imperfect. Then failure will no longer be a frightening sign of failure.
But such unawareness is associated with being stuck in the complex of the eternal youth (puer aeternus) and is fraught with a stop on the path of personal development. As Jung wrote, if we are not aware of the inner content of our psyche, it begins to influence us from the outside and becomes our destiny. In other words, life will again and again “toss” us with repetitive situations that require the ability to choose – until we take responsibility for it.
For this to happen, we must recognize our right to be wrong and imperfect. Then failures will cease to be a frightening sign of failure and will become only part of the movement along the path that is chosen for us not by society, not by modernity, and not even close ones, but only by ourselves.
“We can determine what is really important to us by tracking how much the actions invested in this or that activity give energy and resources,” says analytical psychologist Elena Arie. “And the latter, in turn, allow you to more effectively process anxiety, shame, guilt and other feelings that interfere with concentration on achieving goals.” Knowing what is important for us, we will understand what our strength is.
The most important thing for them…
“Be present in your life. I often hurry myself and hurry others, I try to predict the future. I recently decided to change this. I try to stop, to ask myself what is happening to me at this very moment. I am angry? rejoice? I’m sad? Every moment has its own meaning. And then I begin to understand that it’s great to live.” (Svetlana, 32 years old, illustrator for children’s publishing house)
“Get rid of excess. This applies not only to things, but also to thoughts. I threw away the alarm clock: I don’t have to get up at a certain hour; sold the car, I walk. I gave the TV to a neighbor: I can live well without news. I wanted to throw away the phone, but my wife is calmer when she can call me. Although now we spend more time together.” (Gennady, 63 years old, retired, former Deputy Sales Director)
“To be among friends. Meet new people, get to know them and open up yourself, learning something about yourself that you didn’t know before. I found a small company on the web that produces printed T-shirts, I liked them. Recently, they published a message about financial problems. My friends and I bought several T-shirts for ourselves and as gifts. They sent us a letter of thanks. I don’t personally know the guys from the firm, but I was glad that I helped good people.” (Anton, 29 years old, procurement specialist)
“Do what you like. I worked as a lawyer in different companies for more than twenty years, and then I realized: I don’t like it. The son is an adult and earns himself, and I no longer need to strain for the sake of a salary. And I decided to leave the company. I always liked to sew, so I bought a sewing machine and finished the course. I made a few things for myself. Then for friends. Now I have more than fifty customers, and I’m thinking of expanding the business. (Vera, 45 years old, dressmaker)