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«Love yourself the way you are.» Easier said than done, because there are so many criteria that we do not meet: the appearance is not the same, and the character is not the same. But even when we change, our dislike for ourselves does not go away. What is it connected with? Explained by a clinical psychologist.
When Marina came to me, it was as if all her 36 years of total rejection of herself stood behind her thin shoulders. At first, she did not accept her appearance: «I have the fattest legs in the world.» Then not only appearance, but also emotions: “I can even yell at a child.” And then appearance, and emotions, and habits, and even the very fact that she does not love herself.
Before visiting a psychotherapist, Marina, like most patients, tried many other ways to come to terms with herself and her body. She was engaged in fitness, spent large sums on cosmetology, read blogs about psychology.
But even if the hips became slimmer (by the way, she doesn’t have any extra weight), Marina continued to see them as still imperfect. The same thing happened with her emotional background. She reproached herself for her temper, it was hard to get out of stress, and in everything that was happening around she saw hints that were painful for herself.
The root of the problem
Everything with which we live was formed for a reason. Reactions, emotions, sensations are like a stone on the seashore, whose shape has been carved by a wave for a long time. Therefore, before trying to give up what worries us — from a critical attitude to our appearance, from the tendency to blame ourselves for everything — we need to understand where this came from in us.
Adult attitude
Mom and dad, grandma and grandpa… Those who bring us up in childhood are the main authorities for the child. How they treat him, what requirements they make, the little person reads as the only true criteria for how he should treat himself.
«Four again. You won’t be an excellent student anymore, ”the mother shakes her head, and the child hears:“ You try hard, fall short, do not deserve love. And he can fix it in his memory for many years.
Self-doubt
It happens that a child tries to take on much more than he should: for example, to cheer up a sad, apathetic mother and reconcile conflicting parents. But if even two adults cannot resolve the conflict, how will the child succeed? As a result, he gets a traumatic experience: «I can not cope with the situation.»
Stressful situations
If a child has a warm and trusting relationship with his mother, then he is able to survive any stress, sharing this burden with her. But often children have to cope with the emotional burden alone.
At home, adults constantly quarrel, but you have to go to school and pretend that nothing happened. Some of the relatives have passed away, but at home they again pretend that everything is as usual. Became a victim of injustice — silently go to your room. It is at times like these that we develop the habit of turning away from ourselves.
At first we do it because we see no other way out. And over time, a destructive pattern is formed in the mind: in particular, women live within it, who remain in relationships where there is neither love nor respect.
Her own lawyer
Marina and I found those situations that determined her attitude towards herself and her reactions to the behavior of others. After that, I suggested to the girl that she become her own lawyer — she defended everything that she does not accept in herself: “Yes, now you are quick-tempered and you don’t like it, but at some point in your life you needed to protect yourself. Yes, now you often want to cry, but you have experienced many situations in which you did not receive support. You just couldn’t stop crying.»
“So… am I all right?” Marina breathed a sigh of relief.
And she was actually fine. She went through certain trials that made her the way she is. Of course, in some ways they changed her, but she retained the main thing — herself and all the chances of being on her side, regardless of the circumstances.
3 steps towards you
To truly accept ourselves, it is important for us to take 3 steps:
- Give yourself permission not to accept yourself. Paradoxical, but it works! Yes, you don’t accept yourself yet. But you don’t have to be enlightened and aware 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is no such law, so you have nothing to blame yourself for.
- Understand the nature of your reactions. Think about where it came from. Cry, process and let go of these situations.
- Analyze the function of those traits and features that we do not like in ourselves. And learn to do it in other ways. For example, due to the fact that the father showed aggression, the girl learned to attack in response. This irascibility persisted into adulthood, but now the girl has grown up, and she can already defend herself differently. So, she no longer needs screaming as a defense mechanism.
In working with Marina, we felt all these cause-and-effect relationships. In addition, on my recommendation, she practiced the “Loving Look at Yourself” meditation: every day she looked in the mirror and sincerely told herself: “I love you.”
Now her life has changed for the better. She stopped focusing on the requirements and expectations of other people, she began to better feel her body, its desires and needs. I overcame anxiety, got out of the daily race, let in new hobbies … and a new person. And also — very prettier externally.
“I finally understood everything,” she once said. “I realized that everything is fine with me.” And indeed it is.