The narcissist uses all means to control those around him. When he needs an excuse to tell you off or get you to change your behavior, he will jump at every opportunity. Unfortunately, we often don’t realize this right away. In dealing with a narcissist, the rules of the game are constantly changing, and we only find out about this when we unwittingly violate them.
Narcissists are always punished for breaking the rules. They may scold or begin to ignore. To push away from yourself for a while, or simply to show constant dissatisfaction and try to cause a feeling of guilt for violating the “rules” by manipulation.
There can be many options for “punishments”, but they are all very unpleasant. Therefore, we try to “guess” these rules in advance so as not to break them and not upset a loved one. As a result, we “walk on tiptoe” in communication with him. This behavior can lead to anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are many examples of “rules” that narcissists set. For example, a partner is unhappy that you dress too provocatively or, conversely, too modestly. He or she is scolded for sweatpants or flip flops or anything else, such as wearing blue clothes.
A narcissistic partner may even control your diet, for example by asking accusingly, “Why are you eating this?” He may not like the way we walk, talk, allocate time. He wants to control our entire life to the smallest detail.
“I have heard many stories from clients about the different rules that narcissists set for loved ones. Do not go without shoes, do not wipe your wet hands on your pants. Don’t text, just call. Don’t eat sugar, eat a piece of cake. You should never be the first to visit. Never be late. Always arrive 5 minutes early. Never take a credit card, only a debit card. Always take only a credit card,” says psychotherapist Shari Stynes.
Oddly enough, narcissists are predictable in their waywardness and fickleness. In the behavior of each of them, certain patterns are repeated. One of these patterns is the unpredictability of rules that change all the time. Changes have specific reasons.
One of them is that narcissists consider themselves superior to others and are sure that they know better than us “how to”. That is why they believe that they have the right to set some rules for others. Only a very narcissistic person thinks that everyone around him should obey his arbitrary demands.
The second reason is that the narcissist needs to portray the victim (partner, child, colleague) as a “bad” person. From the narcissist’s point of view, we become “bad” by breaking his rules. He needs to feel like a victim, and he is sure that he has every right to punish us. These feelings are very typical of narcissists.
Why does one adult tell another what to wear, what to eat, how to drive? This is possible only if he believes that he has the right to decide what is best.
“If someone close to you is a narcissist and you are desperately trying to please him so as not to provoke a conflict, I can only give you one piece of advice: stop. Set your own rules and follow them. Let this person arrange scandals, fall into a rage, try to manipulate you. It’s his business. Take back control of your own life and don’t succumb to attempts at manipulation,” Shari Stines sums up.