Positive education in 3 points

Positive discipline: how to apply it with your child?

On the parent’s side, nothing is more difficult than showing authority without falling into authoritarianism. On the child side, theconstant opposition does not mean deliberate intention to upset the adult. Sometimes, between adults and toddlers, a decoder is needed. Positive discipline is invaluable in clearing up misunderstandings and easing tensions.

1. Discover the hidden meaning of his refusals and anger

You probably have the impression that your toddler is accumulating nonsense and “No, I don’t want to!” »Just to annoy you and to get you off your hinges! Well, it’s a false impression… In reality, children’s “inappropriate behaviors” are coded messages whose meaning must be deciphered with an appropriate reading grid. Behind every stupidity hides an intention, quite other than that of breaking your feet. If your child systematically refuses to go to bed, if the same seizures always occur for the same reasons, it is because one of his basic needs is not satisfied and has engaged in inappropriate behavior believing that this need is met. And if you give your little one what he really needs, the difficulties and conflicts go away. the need attention is fundamental in a toddler. If he refuses to dress or eat alone in the morning for example, it is very likely that this refusal hides his desire that you take care of him more, that you do not take the opportunity to do something else. To avoid repetitive and exhausting conflicts, “dedicated time” is a good tool. Spending a quarter of an hour one-on-one with your little one on a regular basis is a good way to fill your need attention and solve many problems.

2. Use his nonsense as a learning aid

Every mistake, every everyday silliness can become for a little one an opportunity to make progress. Imagine, for example, that he spills the glass of orange juice that he wanted to serve himself. Your first reaction, quite legitimate because it is annoying, is to scold him: “Look at what you did, you put it everywhere!” Next time, I’m the one serving you! ” But if you apply the Jane Nelsen method, you suggest that he wipe the table clean and start over until he can. Because every time we do it “in place” of our child, we take away an opportunity tolearning. Encourage your child to find solutions to fix it so that it does not happen again the next time: “What do you need to clean up what you did? “,” What do you need to be more successful? Problem solving is an essential social skill that will be useful in the community, at the nursery, at school. Know how to take advantage of your failures, focus on possible improvements is a great skill whether you’re 3 or 18!

Here are 3 key tips for embracing positive education.

3. Involve him without forcing him

Toddlers, and adults too, have a strong need to cooperate. They enjoy contributing to family activities, just as they love participating in class activities. The more a child is in a phase of opposition, the more it is advisable to involve him. It can help prepare meals, set the table or to empty the dishwasher, carry a small bag of light groceries, tidy up your library, put your dirty laundry in the basket … If there is a very developed need among young children, it is that of mastery. The more we try to impose our will on them by constraint and the more they oppose, it’s mathematical. From 18-24 months, the famous phase of no, the child keeps wanting to take control and power: “I don’t want you to force me, I won’t do it if you force me!” »To satisfy his need to assert himself, it is essential to give him choices. And to get them to participate, just say, “I can’t make you do this, but I need your help!” »You will see, it works, because he only asks to be useful! And by putting him in a situation of mastery, he no longer needs to resist.

4. Encourage him and lead by example

When he was learning to walk, you gave him a lot of encouragement, congratulated him as soon as he made a tiny bit of progress. Now that he’s grown up, says no to everything, and annoys you deeply, you find it hard to be so encouraging. And yet, he constantly needs your unconditional support and bravos to build self-esteem and gain self-confidence. Often, it is because he is not doing well to carry out your request that he refuses to obey you. By saying no, he tells you: “I can’t do it, I can’t do it” and he just needs you to devote time to him to train him, to remake with him, to show him how to close the buttons, to put on. a sweater, using your cutlery, brushing your teeth… Continuously showing the right gestures but to show, also, the good example, on a moral plane. The child is built in mirror, he observes us and imitates us. This is why it is important to show him the example, to give him as a model the skills that we want to transmit to him. Mutual respect is a fundamental value. The child will respect the rules of the world of the adult if the latter respects the world of the child.

5. Make him anticipate the consequences of his actions

When your child categorically opposes your instructions, rather than getting angry or fighting, let him or her do it. the experience of his choices : “OK, you don’t want to put on your coat to go out, you will be wet and you will be cold”, “Okay, you don’t finish your plate, so you’re not hungry anymore, so you won’t have any dessert. And you hold on, that’s the most important thing. When you see him shivering, you gently point out to him: “You’re cold, I told you to put on your coat!” ” And when he complains of being hungry, you ask him to wait patiently for tea time.

It’s not easy, no parent wants their child to get bronchitis or be starving, but it only takes once for the little one to understand where his interest is …

La discipline positive offers parents educational tools that have long-term effectiveness, which is why it does not recommend punishments decided on the spot and in the heat of anger. Because the “reaction” punishment is effective in the moment, but does not teach the child anything. the result is punctual, but not durable. On the other hand, anticipating with the child himself and in peace what will happen if he does such a stupid thing, what will be the consequence for him but also what punishment he will incur, is much more effective.