Love by the rules: what’s wrong with fictional love stories?

Growing up, we say goodbye to the magical world of fairy tales. We understand that the sun will not come out at the behest of a pike, no treasures are buried in the garden, and an all-powerful genie will not appear from an old lamp and turn a harmful classmate into a muskrat.

However, some illusions are being replaced by others — those that romantic films and books generously supply us with. “Romanticism opposes love to routine, passion to rational choice, struggle to peaceful life,” says the philosopher Alain de Botton. Conflicts, difficulties and tense expectation of a denouement make the work fascinating. But when we ourselves try to think and feel like the heroes of our favorite movie, our expectations turn against us.

Everyone must find their «other half»

In life, we meet many options for happy relationships. It happens that two people marry for pragmatic reasons, but then they are imbued with sincere sympathy for each other. It also happens like this: we fall in love, but then we realize that we cannot get along together, and decide to leave. Does this mean the relationship was a mistake? Rather, it was a valuable experience that helped us understand ourselves better.

Stories in which fate either brings the heroes together or separates them in different directions seem to tease us: the ideal is here, wandering somewhere nearby. Hurry up, look at both, otherwise you will miss your happiness.

In the film «Mr. Nobody» the hero lives several options for the future. The choice he makes as a child brings him together with three different women — but only with one does he feel truly happy. The authors warn that our happiness depends on the choices we make. But this choice sounds radical: either find the love of your life, or make a mistake.

By accepting these rules of the game, we doom ourselves to eternal doubt. Even having met the right person, we doubt — is he really that good? Does he understand us? Or maybe you should have left everything and traveled with that guy-photographer who sang so beautifully with a guitar at a corporate party? What these throwings can lead to can be seen in the example of the fate of Emma Bovary from Flaubert’s novel.

“She spent her entire childhood in a convent, surrounded by intoxicating romantic tales,” Allen de Botton muses. — As a result, she inspired herself that her chosen one should be a perfect being, able to deeply understand her soul and at the same time excite her intellectually and sexually. Not finding these qualities in her husband, she tried to see them in lovers — and ruined herself.

Love is to be won but not to be maintained

“A huge part of our lives is spent in longing and searching for something we don’t even imagine,” writes psychologist Robert Johnson, author of “Us: The Deep Aspects of Romantic Love.” “Constantly doubting, changing from one partner to another, we do not have time to know what it is like to be in a relationship.” But can you blame yourself for this? Isn’t this the model we see in Hollywood movies?

The lovers are separated, something constantly interferes with their relationship. Only towards the end do they finally end up together. But how their fate will develop further, we do not know. And often we do not even want to know, because we are afraid of the destruction of the idyll achieved with such difficulty.

“In the lives of most of us, the main challenge looks different than in the lives of literary and film heroes,” says Alain de Botton. “Finding a partner that suits us is only the first step. Next, we have to get along with a person whom we barely know.

This is where the deception that lies in the idea of ​​romantic love is revealed. Our partner was not born to make us happy. Perhaps we will even realize that we were mistaken about our chosen one. From the point of view of romantic ideas, this is a disaster, but sometimes this is what prompts partners to get to know each other better and end the illusions.

If we doubt — life will tell the answer

Novels and screenplays obey the laws of narrative: events always line up as the author needs. If the heroes part, then after many years they can definitely meet — and this meeting will inflame their feelings. In life, on the contrary, there are many coincidences, and events often occur inconsistently, without connection with each other. But the romantic mindset forces us to seek (and find!) connections. For example, we may decide that a chance meeting with a former love is not at all accidental. Maybe it’s a clue of fate?

In real life, anything can happen. We can fall in love with each other, then cool off, and then again realize how dear our relationship is to us. In romantic literature and cinema, this movement is usually one-sided: when the characters realize that their feelings have cooled down, they disperse in different directions. If the author has no other plans for them.

“Trying to catch the signs that fate supposedly sends us, we fall into self-deception,” says Alain de Botton. “It seems to us that our life is controlled by something from the outside, and as a result we avoid responsibility for our decisions.”

Love means passion

Movies like Fall in Love with Me If You Dare offer an uncompromising stance: a relationship in which feelings are heightened to the limit is more valuable than any other form of affection. Unable to express their feelings directly, the characters torture each other, suffering from their own vulnerability and at the same time trying to get the better of the other, to force him to admit his weakness. They break up, find other partners, start families, but after many years they understand: a measured life in a couple will never give them the thrill that they experienced with each other.

“From childhood, we get used to seeing characters who are constantly chasing each other, literally and figuratively,” says Sheryl Paul, an anxiety disorder consultant. “We internalize this pattern, we include it in our relationship script. We get used to the fact that love is a constant drama, that the object of desire should be far and inaccessible, that it is possible to reach out to another and show our feelings only through emotional violence.

As a result, we build our love story according to these patterns and cut off everything that looks different. How do we know if a partner is right for us? We need to ask ourselves: do we feel awe in his presence? Are we jealous of others? Is there something inaccessible, forbidden in it?

“Following romantic relationship patterns, we fall into a trap,” explains Sheryl Paul. – In films, the story of the characters ends at the stage of falling in love. In life, relationships develop further: passion subsides, and the attractive coldness of a partner can turn into selfishness, and rebelliousness — immaturity.

When we agree to live the life of a literary or movie character, we expect everything to go according to plan. Fate will send us Love at the right moment. She will push us against Him (or Her) at the door, and as we shyly collect things that have fallen out of our hands, a feeling will arise between us. If this is fate, we will definitely be together, no matter what happens.

Living by the script, we become prisoners of those rules that work only in a fictional world. But if we venture beyond the plot, spitting on romantic prejudices, things will most likely be a little more boring than our favorite characters. But on the other hand, we will understand from our own experience what we really want and how to link our desires with the desires of a partner.

Source: Financial Times.