The gender holiday on March 8, and with it February 14, has long turned from an occasion to rest and rejoice into an excuse for quarrels and depression. Love is not enough for everyone and always, but these days the shortage is aggravated, women are waiting for its manifestations especially tensely. Psychologist Elena Mkrtychan tells how to change your attitude to the holidays.
It would seem that women are well aware that these are conventions: about St. Valentine, and about Clara Zetkin with Rosa Luxembourg, but still they cannot help but wait for confirmation that they are needed, loved, in demand, not forgotten. And if they don’t, then hello, melancholy and depression. The lack of love is not filled, the feeling, not always conscious, is something like this: “even today he cannot do something pleasant”, “even today I don’t feel loved.”
Around the general excitement and high spirits, at work, green unopened tulips are centrally given, but this makes it even more painful. As you know, the worst loneliness is loneliness in a crowd. If, for example, a neighbor, a familiar seller in a store, and in general any passer-by can congratulate on the New Year, then in mid-February and early March, women are waiting for congratulations from men, and from those who occupy an important place in their lives.
But the male gender situation with the word «should» in a relationship always fails. It provokes stubbornness, rejection, fear of not living up to expectations, opposition and the question: “Why do I owe something?”
It turns out, and did not congratulate — pierced, and congratulated — it’s still bad
Most of them may well give flowers to their wife or girlfriend just like that, spontaneously buy a gift or respond to a hint about a ring they like … But when something is expected of them, and they are expected demandingly and biasedly, like in an exam, they fall into a stupor.
Further, the situation may develop in different ways. For example, a man congratulated, but was late with congratulations (he is in a stupor, it is difficult for him) — the woman is unhappy. The man made a gift, but did not guess right with the choice (wise friends make a wish list in advance), — her holiday is spoiled. The man did not congratulate at all — she expressed everything that she thinks about it, remembering past disastrous holidays and old grievances.
And, finally, the man did everything right: on time, with flowers, with a gift and a kiss, but she reacts something like this: “Well, of course, today is March 8, he was obligated, he had nowhere to go, he didn’t want to run into an open conflict”, “ duty flowers”, “duty spirits” and the like. It turns out, and did not congratulate — he pierced, and congratulated — it’s still bad.
The fact remains that these holidays, instead of unloading everyday life, provoke resentment, melancholy and depression.
These plots are by no means from the head, but from practice. Because it is up to psychologists to deal with the consequences of celebrating Valentine’s Day and International Women’s Day, and these consequences occur in clients of both sexes. For some, depression rolls in advance, for others after the holiday.
It is not very clear who is more difficult: those who are in a relationship, or singles, those who are just starting to get to know a partner, or those who broke up with him, and more recently. Bad for everyone. The fact remains that these holidays, instead of unloading everyday life, provoke resentment, melancholy and depression.
What to do with all this? I propose to play the holidays of lovers and women’s day, and not take them seriously. As you know, Valentine’s Day is celebrated with particular enthusiasm in America, where a modest European saint has been turned into another representative of mass, postcard pop culture.
In the US, this is a real adult holiday. And here it is popular mainly among children and teenagers. For them, this is the day of notes, and even girlfriends and teachers write notes to each other. And all these rituals look a lot like training the expression of real feelings. And young people do the right thing, that they train, formulating any of their feelings, including sympathy and friendship.
But neither for children, nor even adults, to base their sense of self on such frivolous attributes of a frivolous holiday as «valentines», of course, is wrong and even dangerous. One of the main differences between the Russian mentality and the Western way of thinking is that in the United States there is a very clear benchmark, which is aimed at all life aspirations — this is success, success, external well-being.
In American families, several times a day, they assure each other: «I love you.» So accepted. But that doesn’t make them any less of a problem.
There are several signs of the American dream come true: a career, money, a family whose members several times a day assure each other: «I love you.» So accepted. I can only say that they have no less family problems because of this. On the other hand, many people are forced to abandon the search for themselves, following the approved scenario, so that, God forbid, they do not earn the stigma of “loser” from society.
So, one of the generally accepted signs of success is the number of congratulations received on February 14th. If not a single one, things are very bad: you could not win sympathy, you could not properly present and sell yourself! A false approach that could be called ridiculous if an entire nation did not suffer from it.
March 8 is a different story. This is a grandiose Soviet state holiday, imposed «from above», almost compulsory. A holiday when bosses are congratulated with a large gift, and secretaries with a smaller one, although their social status does not make them less or more women.
It is time to overcome all these historical distortions, at least in your mind, and not put your relationships and your spiritual world to the test of the holiday, do not make them dependent on the timeliness and cost of gifts, have a little pity on men who, covered with red spots, are trying something find out from consultants in the lingerie store.
Let’s remember that true love doesn’t wait for a special occasion to be expressed or affirmed. Valentine’s Day is not a holiday of love itself, a red heart is not its symbol, because in life love is never a toy. The aesthetics of Valentine’s Day is not the aesthetics of love, but its premonitions. And March 8 is not so much a holiday of femininity, but of the struggle of women for equal rights with men in production and in public authorities.
I strongly advise you to take the initiative in your own hands and enjoy these days to the fullest. Do not sit still in a waiting position, but play at love and focus on the joy of expressing your own emotions, and not counting other people’s confessions.