Husband’s Emotional Intelligence Is the Key to a Lasting Marriage

A group of scientists from the University of Washington, led by John Gottman, conducted a long-term study of family relationships on the example of 130 couples, observing them for 6 years from the moment of marriage. Conclusion: couples in which husbands meet their wife are stronger.

Imagine a married couple: Maria and Victor. In words, Victor agrees that equality is the key to a happy and long marriage, but his actions show the opposite.

Victor: My friends and I are going fishing. We’re leaving tonight.

Maria: But my friends are coming to visit me tomorrow. You promised to help clean up. Have you forgotten? Can’t you leave tomorrow morning?

Victor: You forgot about fishing! I can’t leave tomorrow. We’re leaving in a few hours.

Maria is angry. She calls Victor selfish and flies out of the room. Victor feels depressed, he pours whiskey and turns on the football. Maria returns to talk, but Victor ignores her. Mary starts to cry. Victor says he needs to go to the garage and leaves. Such quarrels are filled with mutual accusations, so it is difficult to find the main reason. But one thing is clear: Victor does not want to make concessions.

Unwillingness to concede

In marriage, there are complaints, outbursts of anger, mutual criticism. But if the spouses do not try to resolve the conflict, but only inflame it, answering each other with negative for negative, the marriage is in jeopardy. John Gottman emphasizes: 65% of men only aggravate the conflict during a quarrel.

Victor’s reaction suggests that he does not hear Maria’s claims. Instead, he takes a defensive stance and makes counterclaims: how could she forget about his plans. Criticism, defensive behavior, disrespect, ignoring — signals that the husband does not want to make concessions.

This behavior is typical for men. Of course, for a marriage to be happy, both people need to work on the relationship. But most wives do it. They may be angry with their husbands or show disrespect, but they allow their husbands to influence their decisions, take their husbands’ opinions and feelings into account. But husbands rarely answer them the same. As a result, the probability of divorce in couples where the husband is not ready to share power with his wife rises to 81%.

Differences from childhood

Everything starts in childhood. When boys play among themselves, they concentrate on winning, they do not care about the experiences of other players. If one breaks his knee, the rest do not pay attention. In any case, the game continues.

For girls, emotions are the top priority. If one girl says: «I’m not friends with you,» the game stops. The girls resume the game only after they make up. Girls’ games are better prepared for family life than boys’ games.

Of course, there are women who are poorly versed in social nuances, and men who subtly feel the experiences of others. However, on average, only 35% of men are gifted with developed emotional intelligence.

Consequences for the family

Men who lack emotional intelligence refuse to give in to their wives. They are afraid of losing power. As a result, wives also refuse to meet such husbands.

A man with developed EI considers his wife’s feelings because he appreciates and respects her. When his wife needs to talk, he turns off the football and listens to her. He chooses «us» instead of «himself». He learns to understand the inner world of his wife, admires her and shows respect by going forward. His satisfaction from sex, relationships and life in general will be much higher than that of a man with low emotional intelligence.

He will also be the best father, because he is not afraid of feelings, he will teach children to respect their own and other people’s emotions. The wife will be deeply attached to such a man. She will turn to him when she is upset, overjoyed, or sexually aroused.

How to Develop Your Husband’s Emotional Intelligence

Anastasia Menn, psychologist

If a husband has low emotional intelligence, he most likely does not notice the detrimental effects on the relationship and does not consider this a problem. Don’t put pressure on him. It’s better to act differently. Talk about your emotions: «I’m upset,» «I’m so glad,» «this might offend.»

Notice and note his emotions: “you are upset”, “you were so happy when…”.

Pay your husband’s attention to the emotions of people from your environment: «did you notice how Sonya was delighted when …», «Vasily is so sad that …».

Do not be afraid to show sincere emotions. Cry if you want. Laugh. This way your husband will learn from you. Emotions are a very important part of our life. Unfortunately, we do not always pay due attention to them, but it is in our power to correct this.