Sometimes you don’t even have to guess: an inviting look or a gentle touch speaks for itself. But sometimes we get confused. Moreover, understanding is more difficult for men than for women.
Until recently, psychologists were only interested in the situation of the first date. How accurately men and women «read» the desire (or lack of desire) of a potential partner. The conclusions in all cases were that men usually overestimate a woman’s readiness for sex.
The authors of the studies interpreted this result from the standpoint of evolutionary psychology. It is more important for a man not to miss the chance to have sexual relations with a suitable partner and leave offspring than to figure out if she wants sex. That’s why they often make the mistake of overestimating their partner’s desire on a first date.
Canadian psychologist Amy Muse and her colleagues set out to test whether this reappraisal persists in strong, long-term relationships. They conducted three studies involving 48 couples of different ages (from 23 years old to 61 years old) and found that men in this situation are also more likely to make mistakes — but now underestimating the desire of their partner.
And women, in general, more accurately guessed the desire of men, that is, they were not inclined to underestimate or overestimate the attraction of a partner.
The more a man fears being rejected, the more likely he tends to underestimate his partner’s sexual desire.
According to Amy Muse, this can be explained by the fact that in the existing couple, underestimating the desire of a woman does not allow a man to relax and complacently «rest on his laurels», but motivates him to mobilize and strive to arouse a reciprocal desire in a partner. He makes more efforts to ignite, to seduce her. And it’s good for the relationship, says Amy Mewes.
A woman feels unique, desirable and therefore feels more satisfied, and her attachment to a partner is strengthened.
Men underestimate the desire of a partner because of the fear of rejection on her part. The more a man is afraid of being rejected in his desire, the sooner he tends to underestimate the sexual desire of his partner.
This is such an unconscious reinsurance that allows you to avoid the risk of rejection, which has a devastating effect on relationships. However, notes Amy Muse, sometimes the desire of a partner and a woman is mistaken in the same way — as a rule, those who have a high libido.
It turns out that underestimating the desire of a partner is beneficial to stable couples. At the same time, research has shown that when both partners accurately «read» each other’s strong attraction, this also brings them satisfaction and strengthens the attachment in a couple.