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In couples with different temperaments, it can be difficult to achieve mutual understanding. When partners begin to live together, differences in the rhythm of life and tastes can spoil the relationship. How to avoid it? Advice from Sophia Dembling, author of the popular book The Introvert Way.
1. Negotiate boundaries
Introverts love boundaries (even if they don’t admit it). They feel comfortable only in a well-mastered, familiar space. This applies to both things and rituals. “Are you taking my headphones again? Why did you rearrange my chair? You cleaned your room, but now I can’t find anything.» Actions that seem natural to you may be perceived by your introverted partner as intrusion.
“It’s good when a more open partner respects the personal space of the other,” says Sophia Dembling. But that doesn’t mean you should forget about yourself. As in other situations, compromise is important here. Take time to talk about what kind of environment each of you finds comfortable. Write down the moments when you have a misunderstanding — not to show your partner a «bill», but to analyze them and understand how to avoid conflicts.
2. Don’t take your partner’s reactions personally
Oleg enthusiastically talks about his ideas on how to spend the weekend. But Katya does not seem to hear him: she answers in monosyllables, speaks in an indifferent tone. Oleg begins to think: “What is wrong with her? It’s because of me? Again she is unhappy with something. He probably thinks that I only think about entertainment.
“Introverts may appear sad or angry. But that doesn’t mean they’re really angry or sad.»
“Introverts can withdraw into themselves to concentrate, think about an important thought or process impressions,” explains Sophia Dembling. – At such times they may appear sad, dissatisfied or angry. But this does not mean that they are really angry or sad. The emotions of introverts are not always obvious, and you will need more sensitivity to recognize them.
3. Train yourself to ask questions
One of the common cognitive biases of introverts is the belief that others see and understand what they see and understand. For example, an introvert may stay late at work and not think at all about warning a partner about this. Or go to another city without saying anything. Such actions can irritate and cause a feeling of annoyance: “Doesn’t he understand that I’m worried?”
“A useful strategy here is to ask and listen,” says Sofia Dembling. What is your partner worried about right now? What would he like to discuss? What would he like to share? Convey to your partner that your communication is a safety zone where he does not need to defend himself and carefully choose his words.
4. Choose the right moments to talk
Introverts have a reputation for being slow-witted. It can be difficult for them to immediately formulate their thought, quickly respond to your question or a new idea. If you want to talk about something important, ask your partner when it would be convenient for him to do this. Set a regular time to discuss plans, problems, and thoughts about your life together.
“For an introvert, an active partner can be very helpful.”
“For an introvert, an active partner can be very helpful when it comes to having to make a difficult decision or change something about yourself,” notes Sophia Dembling. – One of my favorite examples from the book is the story of Kristen, who is used to “sweeping under the carpet” all the difficulties associated with relationships. But she married a very active man who every time encouraged her to act, and she was grateful to him.
5. Remember: introvert does not mean alien
Anton found out that Olga went to dance classes without telling him anything. In response to his dissatisfaction, she tried to justify herself: “Well, there are a lot of people there, loud music. You don’t like this.» This situation is quite typical for couples with different temperaments. At first, the partners try to change each other. But then they get tired and fall into the other extreme — «everyone on their own.»
“Your partner may well enjoy spending time with friends or going to concerts with you,” says Sofia Dembling. “But for him, the question of “how” may be more important than “what”. For example, he does not like incendiary Latin dances, but he enthusiastically responds to the offer to learn how to dance the waltz, where the movements are refined and graceful. You can almost always find a third option that would suit both. But for this you need to be in contact with each other and not look at relationships as an endless corridor with closed doors.