You love a person, you are sure that he is “the one”, and in general, everything is fine with you. But for some reason, quarrels constantly arise because of nonsense: because of an unwashed cup, careless words. What is the reason? Psychologist Julia Tokarskaya is sure that our grievances are automatic reactions caused by the experience of living in the parental family. To stop falling into the same traps, you need to learn to ask yourself the right questions and answer them honestly.
We rarely think about how much baggage we bring with us from the past, how much the experience gained in the parental family influences us. It seems that having left it, we will be able to build our own — completely different. But when this does not happen, disappointment sets in.
We all quarrel: some more often, some less. Conflict is necessary in order to relieve tension between partners, but it is important how we conflict and deal with tension. Succumbing to emotions, unable to restrain ourselves in a critical moment, we drop phrases or do things that we later regret. Your partner just noticed that there was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. It would seem a trifle, but a storm of emotions swept over you, there was a quarrel.
It is important to learn to understand the cause of your outbursts, to learn how to manage emotions — and therefore, to make well-considered, logical decisions and act more effectively.
Sense and Sense
For our two main abilities: to feel and to think, the emotional and cognitive systems are responsible, respectively. When the first one turns on, we begin to act instinctively, automatically. The cognitive system allows you to think, realize the meaning and consequences of your actions.
The ability to distinguish between thoughts and feelings is called the level of differentiation of a person. In fact, it is the ability to separate thoughts from feelings. A high level of differentiation is the ability to think in this way: “I understand that now I have been captured by emotions. I will not make hasty decisions, much less take any action.”
The ability (or inability) to separate thoughts from feelings is especially pronounced in stressful situations and is initially inherited by us from the parental family. Interestingly, we also choose a partner with a similar level of differentiation, even if at first he seems to us more restrained or, conversely, impulsive than ourselves.
Whatever the reason for the conflict, the roots of the reaction, the feelings and emotions that we experience, can be found in our past. A few questions will help you do this.
If a couple of words are enough to cause you the strongest emotional reaction, think and try to honestly answer what caused it. For clarity, remember three typical quarrels with a partner: what kind of words hurt you?
Having found “our” partner, entering into marriage or a serious relationship, we are waiting for mental and emotional comfort
Try to analyze what emotions and feelings are behind these reactions. What are the feelings? Do you feel the pressure of your partner, do you think that they want to humiliate you?
Now try to remember where and when, in what situations in your parental family you experienced something similar. Most likely, your memory will give you a “key”: perhaps your parents made decisions for you, regardless of your opinion, and you felt unimportant, unnecessary. And now it seems to you that your partner treats you the same way.
You were able to track the emotion, understand what caused it, explain to yourself that it is the result of past experience and what happened does not mean at all that the partner specifically wanted to offend you. Now you can do things differently, such as explaining what exactly hurts you and why, and ultimately avoid conflict.
Having found “our” partner, entering into marriage or a serious relationship, we expect spiritual and emotional comfort. It seems that with this person our sore points will be affected the least. But it is not in vain that they say that relationships are work: you will have to work a lot, knowing yourself. Only this will allow us to better understand our feelings, what is behind them and how this “baggage” affects relationships with others.