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A person is largely shaped by the environment. Friends can influence his life principles, behavior and much more. Naturally, parents are concerned about the question of who their child is with. And if he has not yet found a friend, then how to help him in this? How to teach to choose «their» people and not lose touch with them?
How can parents help their children make friends and maintain friendships? Career consultant and education expert Marty Nemko talks about this.
Ask questions
Don’t limit yourself to one thing: «What did you do at school today?» Children most often give the answer to it: “Yes, nothing.”
Try asking questions like, “What did you like most about school today? What didn’t you like?» Casually ask: «Who do you like to communicate with the most?» And then, without turning the dialogue into an interrogation, try to find out something about this friend or girlfriend: “Why do you like talking to him / her?” If you like the answer, suggest: «Why don’t you invite Max to our house or go somewhere with him after class or on weekends?»
If your child says that what he likes most about a new friend is that he is «cool», try to figure out what that word means. Friendly? Is he easy to communicate with? Likes to do the same as your child? Or did he throw a firecracker at a squirrel?
If your child has made friends with someone you like but haven’t mentioned in a while, ask, “How’s Max? You have not talked about him for a long time and did not invite you to visit. You are communcating?» Sometimes kids just need a reminder.
And if they quarreled, we can figure out together how to make peace. For example, if your child said something hurtful to Max, you can invite him to apologize.
If the child has no friends
Some children prefer to spend most of their free time alone—reading, watching TV, listening to music, strumming the guitar, playing computer games, or looking out the window. The pressure of parents who want them to communicate more only causes such children to protest.
But if you think that your child still wants to make friends, ask him about it. Is the answer affirmative? Ask who exactly he would like to be friends with: perhaps it is a neighbor, a classmate, or a child with whom they go to a circle after school. Invite your child to invite the boy or girl home or to do something together, such as play during recess.
Marty Nemko shares: when he was little, he had only one close friend (although they are still, after 63 years, best friends). Other children almost never offered him to play together and did not invite him to visit.
He later realized that perhaps, at least in part, this was due to the fact that he liked to show off his knowledge — for example, tirelessly correcting other children. He wishes his parents paid more attention to how he interacted with his peers. If he understood what the problem was, he would be less worried.
Be open and friendly to your child’s friends
Most children are sensitive to how they are received in a strange house. If a friend visits your son or daughter, be friendly and open. Greet him, offer something to eat.
But if you have no reason to worry, do not interfere with the children to communicate. Most children need privacy. At the same time, don’t be afraid to invite the children to do something together — something to bake, draw or design, or even go to the store.
Once the kids get to know each other better, invite your child’s friend to stay over at your place or join your weekend getaway.
youthful love
Parents often find it difficult when their children fall in love for the first time, start dating someone and have their first sexual experience. Be open so your child feels they can talk to you. But do not hide your opinion if you feel that the person your child has fallen in love with can hurt him.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions: “You’ve been talking a lot about Lena lately. How are you and her doing?»
What to do with your children’s friends that you don’t like?
Suppose you don’t like one of your child’s friends. Maybe he skips school, takes drugs, or encourages your son or daughter to rebel against teachers for no reason. Surely you want to stop communicating with such a friend.
Of course, there is no guarantee that the child will listen to you and will not communicate with this friend in secret. Nevertheless, say firmly: “I trust you, but I’m worried about Vlad and I ask you to stop communicating with him. Do you understand why?»
Peers influence children more than parents. This conclusion was made by the author of the book “Why do children turn out the way they are?” (The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn out the Way They do?) by Judith Rich Harris. Therefore, the choice of friends is very important.
Alas, no article can contain all the nuances of all situations that you will encounter in life. But Marty Nemko’s advice can help you support your children in friendships with people they and you will like.