On the screen and in life, she experienced delight, hatred, guilt, gratitude, all kinds of love — romantic, maternal, daughter, sisterly, friendly. And the slogan of the series that made her famous became something like a credo: “The truth is somewhere nearby” … Gillian Anderson feels the presence of truth.
“I wonder how tall she is?” That was the first thought that came to my mind when I saw her walking to a table in a Chinese restaurant in the City of London that was closed to us, where I was waiting for her. No, really, how tall is she? Mine is 160 cm, and she seems to be shorter than me. 156? 154? Definitely tiny. But somehow … elegantly tiny.
There is nothing in it from a small dog, which, as you know, is a puppy until old age. She looks quite at her 51 years old, and attempts at rejuvenation are invisible. How imperceptible is her true scale on the screen: her agent Scully in The X-Files, Dr. Milburn in Sex Education, and Margaret Thatcher herself in The Crown — such strong characters, such bright personalities that somehow you don’t have time to think about physical data Gillian Anderson.
Except, of course, the chiseled Anglo-Saxon profile, the perfect oval face and the unusual color of the eyes — deep gray with brown freckles on the iris.
But now, when she sits in front of me with a cup, as she puts it, of «purely English tea» (first milk is poured, and only then the tea itself), I think about her diminutiveness. Above the benefits it provides. The fact that, probably, any man in her society feels like a hero, and this is a big head start for a woman and a temptation to manipulate.
In general, I decide to start with the question that now came to my mind. Although, perhaps, a woman over 50 and a mother of three children, the eldest of whom is already 26, has the right to be surprised at him.
Psychologies: Gillian, you’ve been married twice, in the third novel two of your sons were born. And now you’ve been in a happy relationship for 4 years…
Gillian Anderson: Yes, longer than each of my marriages has lasted.
So, I want to know from you — how do relationships in adulthood differ from previous ones?
The answer is in the question. Because they are mature. The fact that you already know exactly what you need from a person, and are ready for the fact that he will need something from you. When I broke up with the father of the boys (businessman Mark Griffiths, father of Anderson’s sons, 14-year-old Oscar and 12-year-old Felix. — Ed.), A friend recommended that I make a list of what I would like to see in a future partner and what I really need to see it.
The second is not discussed. The first is desirable, here you can make concessions. That is, if you see that a person does not correspond, for example, to three points from the real necessary, then you can have a relationship, but you will not become happy in them. And you know, compiling these lists helped me a lot when I met Peter And yes, we’ve been together for 4 years.
I suffered from panic attacks. Actually a long time. From youth
And what is on your list of mandatory needs in the first place?
Respect for the personal space of each of us — physical and emotional. In general, I like that now some norms have receded in relations that previously had to be observed. For example, Peter and I don’t live together. Our meetings become something special, relationships are freed from routine. We have a choice — when to be together and for how long to leave.
There are no questions like: oh my God, what if we disperse, how will we share the house? And I love that I start to miss Peter if we don’t see each other for a few days. Who in a standard marriage is familiar with this? But the most curious thing is the blissful feeling I get when I see pants and socks thrown on the floor in Peter’s house. I calmly step over them, because it is — hooray! It’s not my job to do something about it.
And when I was chosen for the role of Thatcher in the fourth season of The Crown, we immediately agreed on the division of this space: I do not review the script, I do not speak out about how the role is written, and Peter does not discuss my performance. I have freed myself from obligations that I consider artificial, imposed from outside. From actually optional obligations.
It’s just that some time out of a relationship – a few years, perhaps, and before that I literally moved from partnership to partnership – had a beneficial effect on me: I understood what the vicious pattern of relationships I entered into was. And always — since college, when I had a serious and long relationship with a woman. This pattern does not even depend on whether the relationship is heterosexual or homosexual.
And in my case, it was just that our lives were completely united, a para-capsule was created in which I suffocated. Sometimes to panic attacks.
Panic attacks?
Well, yes, I suffered from panic attacks. Actually a long time. From youth. Sometimes they came back when I was already an adult.
Do you know what caused them?
Well… I have an amazing mom and dad. Outstanding — both as parents and as people. But very determined. I was two when we moved from Michigan to London, my dad wanted to study at the London Film School, he now has a post-production studio.
I actually grew up in London, and then my parents resolutely returned to the USA, to Michigan, to Grand Rapids. A city of decent size, but after London, it seemed to me provincial, slow, clogged. And I was a teenager. And it was necessary to adapt to the new environment, and you yourself know how difficult it is for a teenager.
My younger brother and sister were born, the attention of mom and dad went to them. Everything in me contradicted the world around me. And now I had an earring in my nose, I shaved the hair from my head in patches, an aniline pink Mohawk, of course. Total nihilism, all the drugs you could get. I’m not talking about exclusively black clothes.
I was a punk. I listened to punk rock, challenged the environment in which, in theory, I should try to join — fuck you all, I’m different. Before graduation, my friend and I were arrested — we planned to fill the keyholes at the school with epoxy so that no one could enter in the morning, the night guard caught us.
Mom mobilized and convinced me to go to a psychotherapist. And it worked: I felt that I was finding my way, that the point was that I did not understand where to move, what I saw myself and who I was in the future: just a black tunnel. Hence the panic attacks. Dad then suggested that I could become an actress. In theory.
Why theoretically, you didn’t want to?
No, he only meant that a person who is so radical about his appearance, deforms it so ruthlessly, is so not afraid of becoming defiantly ugly from the point of view of the accepted norm, this person can reincarnate. I came to an amateur theater in our city and immediately realized: this is it.
You are on stage, even in a tiny role, but attention is focused on you. Of course, I wanted attention more than adaptation. But I still had to go back to therapy. While working on The X-Files, for example.
But why? It was your unconditional success, the first significant role, fame …
Well, yes, I was lucky that Chris Carter insisted that I play Scully then. I was preparing to work in the theater, it interested me more than cinema, and even more so TV. And then such luck!
Series then were not what they are now — a real movie. David (David Duchovny — Anderson’s X-Files partner. — Ed.) had already starred with Brad Pitt in the sensational «California», was preparing for a stellar film career and became Mulder without any enthusiasm, but I was the other way around: wow, yes my fee in a year is now more than parents earn for 10!
I was 24 years old. I wasn’t prepared for the tension that the show required, nor for what happened next. On the set, I met Clyde, he was an assistant production designer (Clyde Klotz — Anderson’s first husband, father of her daughter Piper. — Approx. ed.).
We got married. Piper was born at 26. The writers had to come up with an alien abduction of Scully to justify my absence. I went to work 10 days after giving birth, but they still needed to rewrite the script and I still missed the schedule, it was very tight — one episode in eight days. And 24 episodes a year, 16 hours a day.
I was torn between Piper and filming. Sometimes it seemed to me that I was again in that black tunnel, sobbing so that the make-up artists restored the makeup five times a shift, I just could not stop. And I was a traitor — the one who is to blame for violations of the schedule, for overtime, for disrupting the plan. And besides, I was fat.
Guilt is one of those that shape us. It’s good to experience it
Listen, but it’s so clear — you had a baby …
You are just like my daughter. I recently told Piper about that time — how I felt guilty both in front of her and in front of the group: she was constantly abandoned and the production failed. And she, a modern girl, said that the feeling of guilt is imposed on us by archaic ethical standards and we must ruthlessly get rid of it …
With this new ethic, which dictates that the feeling of guilt is imposed, I do not agree at all. Of course, I was to blame: I violated the contract, preferred the child, let everyone down. But this is my life, I do not want to sacrifice it for the sake of the series. Two truths just converged: the truth of the interests of the series and my life.
Yes, it happens. Several truths may collide, but that doesn’t stop each one from being true. To accept this is to become an adult. As well as soberly assessing myself in a situation — I really was fat.
Then, and all the following years of work in The X-Files, I was torn from filming to my daughter. And my daughter spent half her childhood on an airplane as a “child without adults”, there is such a category of passengers — she flew either to her father when I left for shooting, or to me for shooting. All in all, it was hard. But still, I believe that guilt is one of those that shape us. It’s good to experience it.
And would you make an exception for your children?
I thought about it — whether it is necessary to protect them from traumatic experiences, try to warn them about mistakes, about actions that they will surely regret … In recent years, I have been experiencing this with Piper. She is 26, but she never moved out of our house — there is a basement there, we equipped her with an apartment there. And so you want, you know, to lead — with my passion for control. But I’m holding on Her life is her life.
And yes, I do not believe that it is necessary to protect children from painful experiences. When my brother was dying, I went to him to spend his last weeks with him. And Piper, she was 15, decided not to limit herself to Skype and went with me. There was no talk of boys, they were too small. But Piper decided so. She was close to Aaron, she needed to say goodbye to him. Moreover…
You know, I can’t imagine a more peaceful, even, one might say, happy departure. Aaron was only 30, he was finishing his dissertation in psychology at Stanford, and then — brain cancer … But he was a convinced Buddhist and somehow completely accepted that he was doomed. Yes, for mom, for dad, for all of us it was a tragedy. But somehow… Aaron managed to convince us to accept the inevitability as well.
This is exactly what is important to me in Buddhism — it convinces you not to protest against the inevitability. And this is not about everyday humility, but about deep wisdom — about not wasting energy on what is beyond your control, but focusing on what depends on you. But we have to make this kind of choice every day.
Can you tell us which choice was the most important for you?
Return to London, of course. After two decades in the USA. When I finished filming the main seasons of The X-Files. Packed up and moved with Piper to London. Because I realized: I always lacked a real home. I haven’t had the feeling that I’m at home since I was 11 years old, from the moment we left our ridiculous apartment in Harringey in north London … there the bathroom was in the yard, can you imagine?
I didn’t feel at home in Grand Rapids with my parents, not in Chicago, not in New York, not in Los Angeles. Only when I came to London. However, I will not say that I do not like America. I love. There is so much touching frankness in it …
You know, Goose Island, that pub in Chicago where I worked as a waitress after drama school, called one of his beers «Jillian.» In honor of me. It used to be called Belgian Pale Ale, but now it’s called Gillian. The badge of recognition is as good as an Emmy or a Golden Globe, right?