Understand from a half-word. Smooth out sharp corners. Tolerate. To notice problems in a relationship in time and try to resolve everything without pressing on a partner. There are a lot of things that we women do by default — because we are “created” for this. As a result, everyone often suffers: ourselves, our partner, relationships. Why is this happening?
They remember the birthdays of all family members, including distant relatives. They know by name not only all children’s friends, but also their parents. They are responsible for the social ties of the family — do not forget old friends, invite them to visit, observe the rituals of interaction. They initiate conversations about relationship problems and persuade the partner to go to a family psychologist.
They document the entire life of the family — they take photographs of the partner and children, and they themselves are almost always absent from them. They work as a family therapist, household manager, mediator, comforter, cheerleader, and an unlimited notebook where all family members can pour information that they do not have time to remember.
As you might have guessed, the mysterious “they” are, of course, women, and each of these actions is a constant invisible work that rests on their shoulders. A job that is difficult to define clearly. Work, thanks to which the entire social machinery functions smoothly — from each individual family to society as a whole.
What is included in this work? Creation and maintenance of “comfort” and “weather in the house”, constant goodwill even in the most conflict situations, care and support, willingness to smooth corners and compromise, willingness to serve the needs of others and be responsible for their feelings — in general, exactly what what society usually expects from women.
Born to care?
We used to think that women were created to help, support and care. We’ve learned that women are naturally more emotional and therefore better able to understand «those feelings of yours» and like to talk about them. And often they talk too much about them — they «take out the brain.» We are sure that it is women who are interested in relationships, their development and their future, while men do not need and are not interested.
We take for granted the idea that women are born multi-tasking and able to keep long to-do lists in their heads, both their own and others, while men can afford to single-task and focus on what matters most.
However, if you dig a little deeper, you can find that the endless caring and character of the Leopold cat are not at all innate qualities inherent exclusively in the female sex, but rather a set of skills acquired through the process of gender socialization. Girls from childhood learn to be responsible for the feelings and behavior of others.
While boys play active and dynamic games, often with a component of aggression and competition, girls are encouraged to engage in activities that develop empathy, caring and cooperation.
For example, «daughters-mothers» and role-playing games. Girls are praised for being busy hostesses, caring older sisters and daughters, while boys are encouraged for completely different achievements.
Later, girls are taught to be responsible for the feelings of boys and take care of their emotional state — to understand that pigtails are pulled out of love, to help a neighbor in a desk, not to provoke aggression or lust with their behavior, to know where to remain silent, and where to praise and encourage, in general — to be a good girl.
Along the way, young women are explained that the sphere of the verbal and the sphere of emotions is a purely female area, completely uninteresting to men. The stereotypical man is taciturn, does not understand the intricacies of emotional experiences, does not cry, does not show emotions, does not know how to care and, in general, is not some kind of «soft-bodied weakling.»
Grown up girls and boys continue to live according to the same pattern: she takes care of him, children, friends, relatives and the social life of the family, and he takes care of himself and invests exclusively in his life. Women’s emotional work permeates and «lubricates» all areas of life, making them comfortable and enjoyable for others. And this work has a million faces.
What is emotional work?
Let’s start with a simple but very telling example. In Relationships: The Work Women Do (1978), Pamela Fishman analyzed recordings of everyday conversations between men and women and came to some very interesting conclusions.
It turned out that it was women who took on the main responsibility for maintaining the dialogue: they asked at least six times more questions than men, “hooted” in the right places, and in other ways showed their interest.
Men, on the other hand, are almost not interested in how smoothly the conversation proceeds, and do not seek to support it if the interlocutor’s attention is weakened or the topic is exhausted.
Come to think of it, we’ve all experienced this in our daily lives. Sat on dates, asking question after question and nodding to a new acquaintance, admiring him out loud and wanting to know more, not receiving equal attention in return. They frantically searched for a topic to talk with a new interlocutor and felt responsible if the dialogue began to fade.
They wrote long messages with statements, questions, and detailed descriptions of their feelings, and in response they received a short “ok” or nothing at all (“I didn’t know what to answer you”). Daily asked the partner how his day went, and listened to long stories, never getting a counter question in response.
But emotional work is not only the ability to maintain a conversation, but also the responsibility for its initiation. It is women who most often have to start conversations about relationship problems, their future, and other difficult issues.
Often such attempts to clarify the situation remain futile — a woman is either assigned a «brain-carrying» and ignored, or she herself eventually has to reassure a man
We have all probably been in a similar situation: we try to gently convey to a partner that his behavior hurts or does not satisfy us, but after a few minutes we find that we are conducting a consoling monologue — “it’s okay, forget it, everything is fine.”
But emotional work has many incarnations outside the realm of complex conversations. Emotional work is about faking an orgasm to make a man feel like a good lover. This is sex when you want a partner so that his mood does not deteriorate. This is the planning of the household and the social life of the family — meetings, purchases, vacations, children’s parties.
This makes life easier for a partner on a domestic plane. These are gestures of love and care made without the partner’s prior request. This is recognition of the legitimacy of the partner’s feelings, respect for his desires and requests. This is an expression of gratitude to the partner for what he does. The list can be continued indefinitely.
And what from this?
Okay, women do emotional work and men don’t. What is the problem here? The problem is that when one of the partners has to carry a double load, he can break under this load. Women work for two and pay for it with their health, both physical and mental.
Burnout, depression, anxiety, and stress-induced illness are what women are statistically rewarded for their hard work.
It turns out that constantly thinking about others, planning, controlling, remembering, reminding, making lists, taking into account other people’s interests, caring for the feelings of others and making compromises is very harmful and dangerous.
However, statistics are no less ruthless for men. According to the Swedish Bureau of Statistics, it is men who feel worse after divorce — they are more lonely, they have less close relationships with children, fewer friends, worse contact with relatives, shorter life expectancy, and the risk of suicide is much higher than women.
It turns out that the inability to do emotional work, maintain relationships, live emotions and care for others is no less harmful and dangerous than serving others all your life.
And this suggests that the current model of building relationships and allocating responsibility in them no longer works. It’s time for a change, don’t you think?