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There is no shortage of advice on how to please others more. It is enough to enter a query in the search bar — and you risk drowning in tons of information: research, entertaining and popular science articles, lists of specific steps and other guides to action. But perhaps the main secret is extremely simple: in order for others to reach out to us, we ourselves must like people — and the more people, the better.
In any case, the researcher of behavior and the author of the book “The Science of Communication. How to read emotions, understand and find a common language with people by Vanessa Van Edwards. And what exactly does she recommend? Every time you leave the house, set yourself a “reminder”: you should like as many people as possible.
The idea may sound so-so, but it really works. We tend to think that relationships are for the most part beyond our control: the other either resonates with us or it doesn’t. But often we ourselves do not understand that we influence a lot — or can influence it. And if you make at least a little effort, it turns out that loving people is not so difficult. And then the doors to the world of new acquaintances, relationships — friendly and romantic — and other social ties will open before us.
Talk about the strengths of others
When meeting new people, many of us become obsessed with what exactly we are going to say and miss the most effective way to build a dialogue. Start a conversation about the strengths of the interlocutor — and the conversation will go like clockwork.
Be curious. Instead of the standard “what are you doing?” ask, “If you didn’t have to be here tonight, what would you be doing?” Such questions will allow your interlocutor to start talking about their interests and hobbies.
Think about relationships
We learn introspection by journaling or by simply reflecting on our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences in order to figure out our behavioral patterns. The same applies to our social awareness. After talking with people, ask yourself a few questions. How did the conversation go? What did you find out? What did you like about the interlocutors? Did you listen or talk more? Were others interrupted? Have you lost your self-control? Have you tried to treat your interlocutors as impartially as possible?
Just let others know that you like them
In The Psychology of Influence, Robert Cialdini explores the success story of Joe Girard, who entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most successful car salesman and later became a motivational speaker and coach. Girard noticed and actively used the fact that if you show another how much you like him, nine times out of ten the interlocutor will reciprocate.
Every month, Girard wrote a handwritten letter to each of his clients: asking about how things were going, about the children — calling everyone by name. This was how he let his clients know that they were important to him.
Let others know how important their friendship is to you. Ask about what is important to them. Introduce them to like-minded people. There is hardly anything more conducive to building long-term relationships.
You don’t have to love everyone, just as everyone doesn’t have to love you. But if you want to lead a meaningful life and build a successful career, you must learn to please others. And it is much easier to do this if you yourself find reasons to love them.
About the Expert: Mike Thompson is a career coach.