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It seems to us that our friendship is indestructible, and communication will always bring only joy. But conflicts in long-term relationships are inevitable. Is it possible to learn how to solve them without losing friends?
Alas, unlike sitcom characters who each time manage to resolve all conflicts with friends by the end of a 30-minute episode with the help of ingenuity and wit, we do not always manage to get around all the problems in friendly relations with such grace.
In reality, our opinions, observations and actions are different. This means that if we are friends with a person long enough, conflicts are inevitable.
At the moment when growing tension breaks out to the surface, we often panic, not knowing how to react: ignore the problem, hoping that it will eventually disappear by itself? try to discuss everything? wait and see what happens?
When we push a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and, over time, risk losing the friendship altogether.
Those who tend to avoid conflict instinctively try to stay away from friends after a quarrel. At first, this may seem like a reasonable decision, because the distance will save us from stress or unnecessary clarification of the relationship. However, by pushing a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and, over time, risk losing the friendship altogether. Not to mention, the accumulation of stress and anxiety is bad for our health.
Fortunately, there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing friends. Here are a few of them.
1. Discuss the situation as soon as the moment is right
At the very beginning of the conflict, when emotions are running high, it is wise to take a short pause in communication. It is likely that at this moment neither you nor your friend are ready to listen and accept each other’s points of view. But this pause should not be too long.
Within XNUMX hours of the conflict, call or send a text message and express your regret in simple terms
Within a day of a conflict or tension in a relationship, call or send a text message and express in simple words what you are sorry about and what you would like: “I am sorry about what happened and I want to fix everything”, “Our friendship is important to me”, «Let’s discuss everything as soon as possible.»
2. It is not necessary to discuss and solve all problems at once
Sometimes it seems to us that the whole future of our friendly relations depends entirely on one very serious and difficult conversation. But, just as friendship itself develops gradually, so the complete solution of problems takes time. Sometimes it’s worth briefly discussing the problem, taking time to think about it and returning to this conversation later. Solving problems gradually is normal.
3. Show empathy for your friend’s feelings
Even when we disagree with our friends’ observations or conclusions, we can try to understand their feelings and experiences. We can track their body language during a conversation, pay attention to their tone of voice and facial expressions. Try to respond to any signs of pain, discomfort, or anger (“I understand that you are upset, and I am very sorry that you feel bad about it”).
4. Know how to listen
Listen to everything your friend has to say to you without stopping or interrupting him. If something in his words causes you strong emotions, try to restrain them until you fully understand everything that your friend wants to express to you. If something is not clear, ask again. Try to find out what your friend hopes to get out of this conversation or what he needs to feel better about himself.
5. Speak clearly and concisely
After you, without interrupting, listen to everything that you wanted to say, it will be your turn to share your feelings and thoughts. Try to express your thought as clearly and frankly as possible, but without hurting the feelings of a friend.
Talk about your feelings and experiences, do not throw accusations. Avoid phrases like «You always do this»
First of all, talk about your feelings and experiences, and do not throw accusations. Avoid phrases like “You always do this” or “You never do this”, they will only exacerbate the problem and interfere with conflict resolution.
6. Try to take a different point of view
We do not always agree with the opinions of friends, but we must be able to recognize their right to an opinion that is different from ours. We must respect the views of friends and their right to disagree with us. Even if we do not agree with everything our friend says, there may be something in his words that we are ready to agree with.
Finally, when the immediate conflict has been as exhausted as possible at the moment, allow time for the relationship to fully recover. Keep doing what you love to do together. Positive emotions from friendly communication over time will help smooth out the remaining tension.