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Many women complain that meeting someone worthwhile on a dating site is quite difficult: most of the men who register there only need one thing — sex without obligations. But is it really so?
Do men only want sex?
While working on the book, psychologist Ann Hastings, for the purpose of the experiment, registered on one of the dating sites, the majority of whose users are married. Her experience largely refutes the common stereotypes that men come there only for sex.
Ann was surprised to discover almost immediately that most of the men on the site she had chosen were more interested in romance than sex. “Many of those with whom I spoke, yearned rather for signs of human closeness: when someone is waiting for your messages, wondering how your day went, and writing you tender words in response,” she shares.
Some did not even strive for a personal meeting with the interlocutor.
They liked the feeling of closeness and belonging, even though it was based on a fantasy about a person they did not know in reality.
“Have men sent me photos of their naked body parts? That is, did they do what women often complain about? Yes, some sent, but as soon as they received flattering comments in response, it obviously reassured them, and we didn’t return to this topic again, ”the psychologist admits.
Looking for intimacy
When a psychologist asked men why they needed a new partner, some admitted that they had not had sex with their wife for a long time. However, this was clearly a consequence, and not the reason for their registration on the site. Many did not feel loved, but they were in no hurry to get divorced, primarily because of children and family obligations.
One of Ann’s new acquaintances tried to maintain a relationship after his wife’s betrayal, but the couple lived only as neighbors and remained together because of their sons. The man admitted that he could not imagine life without children and meetings once a week were unacceptable for him. Sexual relations in this pair have long since disappeared.
However, he was interested not only in sex — he was looking for understanding and human warmth.
Another man said that his wife had been in a state of depression for a long time and she did not need intimacy. He admitted that he had dates with another woman, but she was only interested in dating for sex, and the relationship ended because he wanted more.
“Sex turned out to be by no means a key interest, as one might assume,” the psychologist shares the observation. “And, although I did not plan sexual relations, these men were drawn to me because I turned out to be a grateful listener, showed attention and sympathy.”
Why does passion fade in marriage?
Ann says that couples who want to restore their sex life come to her appointment, but during the sessions it turns out that they have not tried to show tenderness and love for each other outside of sex for a long time.
“We agree that for some time they will demonstrate a desire to be with a partner not through sexuality, but in daily communication: hugging each other, holding hands, not forgetting to send spontaneous messages with words of love,” she says.
It happens that couples come to therapy because one of the partners is more sexually active, and the second feels obliged to fulfill his marital duty. Sooner or later, this completely “de-energizes” the connection in a pair.
Attempts to manipulate the sexual side of the relationship only lead to even more cooling.
Many men cease to have sexual interest in their wife because they cannot separate her image of the mother of children and the mistress of the house from the image of a mistress with whom one can surrender to the power of fantasies. “In order to satisfy sexual desires, they watch porn or go to dating sites,” Ann concludes.
However, even if there was no fact of physical betrayal, this not only does not reanimate the marriage union, but often exacerbates other problems, dividing the couple. One can only hope that at least some of these people will be able to restore the bridge in the relationship without destroying them completely.
“Such sites can cheer you up like a glass of wine, but they don’t solve problems”
Lev Khegai, Jungian analyst
In a situation where the relationship in a couple is upset, an atmosphere of misunderstanding and rejection of each other reigns, both partners in search of spiritual healing can turn to dating sites.
Indeed, not all users of these sites are looking only for sexual adventures. Many at first think that sex will bring relief, but in fact they are afraid of physical relationships.
In prosperous countries, there are often problems with sexual relations. Pascal Quinard, in his book Sex and Fear, showed how during the heyday of the Roman Empire, when life became stable and calm, people began to be afraid of sex.
A person loses the meaning of life, becomes neurotic and fears everything, any bursts of life
Sex is also among them, so he is looking for emotions without a sexual component and prospects for a full-fledged relationship, knowing full well that such a virtual connection will not solve problems.
This is the typical choice of the neurotic, a kind of choice without a choice: how to change everything without changing anything? There are cases when a virtual partner was replaced by robots or programs that send affectionate messages, praise and flirt.
However, in a global sense, a virtual relationship on the side will not solve the couple’s problems. They can only cheer you up for a while, like any rest, entertainment, or even a glass of wine. If the virtual hobby becomes a type of addiction, an obsession, then, of course, this will not bring good to either the site user or the couple.