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Friends, I want to confess my love for psychology. Psychology is my life, this is my mentor, this is my dad and mom, my guide and a big, good friend — I love you! I am grateful from the bottom of my heart to all the people in this field who have made a healthy contribution to this science. Thank you and kudos!
What prompted me to this recognition, I am amazed at my results in various areas, which were achieved with the help of psychology in just three months of my studies at the University. I can’t even imagine (although there is a plan!) what will happen in a couple of years if we move at the same pace. It’s fantasy and miracles.
I share my successes in personal relationships with my parents. The shift was such that I myself am amazed … this area seemed to me the most difficult and difficult, unmovable, because I thought that little depended on me. So, my new story of building relationships with my mother and mother-in-law.
Mama
My mother is a very good person, she has many positive qualities, there is no greed in her, she will give the last to her loved one, and many other beautiful features. But there are also negative ones, such as demonstrative behavior (all the forces to create an incredibly brilliant impression of yourself), constant active attention to your person, your needs and desires. As a rule, all this, in the end, results in aggressive forms — if they do not regret it, then it explodes. He does not tolerate criticism at all, and someone else’s opinion on any issue. He only believes his opinion is correct. Not inclined to revise their views and mistakes. First, she will help with something, and then she will definitely emphasize that she helped and reproach that the rest are ungrateful to her in return. All the time is in the position of the Victim.
Her constant favorite phrase is «Nobody needs me!» (and «I’ll die soon»), repeated for 15 years, with the norm of health in her years (71). This and other similar tendencies always led me to displeasure and irritation. Outwardly, I didn’t show much, but internally there was always a protest. Communication was reduced to constant outbreaks of aggression, and we parted in a bad mood. The next meetings were more on autopilot, and every time I went to visit without enthusiasm, it seems like a mother and you need to respect her … And with my studies at the UPP, I began to understand that I, too, am building a Victim out of myself. I don’t want to, but I have to go … so I go to meetings, as if to “hard labor”, feeling sorry for myself.
After a month and a half of training at UPP, I began to rethink my plight in this niche, I decided that it was enough to play the Victim out of myself, you need to be the Author and take into your own hands what I can do to improve relations. I armed myself with my skills, which I developed at the Distance with the help of the exercises “Empathic empathy”, “remove NETs”, “Calm presence” and “Total “Yes”, and I think, come what may, but I will steadfastly show all these skills in communicating with mom! I won’t forget or miss anything! And you won’t believe it, friends, the meeting went off with a bang! It was an acquaintance with a new person whom I did not know well before. I have known her for over four decades. It turns out that not everything is so bad in my mother’s worldview and in our relationship. I began to change myself, and the man turned to me with a completely different side of himself! It was super interesting to watch and explore.
So, our meeting with mom
We met as usual. I was friendly, smiling and open to communication. She asked a few attentive questions: “How do you feel. What news? Mom started talking. The conversation started and went lively. At first, I just actively listened in a feminine type of empathic listening — from heart to heart, helping to keep the thread of an empathetic conversation with questions such as: “What did you feel? You were upset… Was it hard for you to hear that? You became attached to him … How did you survive what he did to you? I understand you so much!” — all these remarks express soft support, spiritual understanding and sympathy. There was sincere interest on my face all the time, I was more silent, only nodded my head, inserted assenting phrases. Although, about many things that she said, I knew that this was an outright exaggeration, but I did not agree with the facts, but with her feelings, with her sense of what was happening. I listened to the story told for the hundredth time, as if it were the first time.
All the moments of my mother’s self-sacrifice told me — that she gave herself to us, which was a clear exaggeration — I did not refute (like — why? Who asked?). Before, it could have been. But I not only stopped refuting her point of view, but what is much more important in a confidential conversation, I sometimes confirmed that yes, without her, we really would not have taken place as individuals. Phrases sounded like this: “You really did a lot for us and made a great contribution to our development, for which we are very grateful to you” (I took the liberty of answering for all my relatives). Which was sincerely true (grateful), albeit exaggerated, about the single most important influence on our personalities. Mom does not take into account our further personal development, when we began to live separately. But I realized that this is not important in our conversation, that there is no need to belittle her role with thoughtless critical (as it seemed to me, once very truthfully reflecting reality) phrases.
Then she began to remember all her «hard fate». The fate of the average Soviet period, there was nothing particularly tragic and difficult there — the standard problems of that time. In my life there were people with a really very difficult fate, there is something to compare. But I genuinely sympathized with her, with those everyday difficulties that she had to overcome, and which are already unknown to our generation, I agreed and encouraged with the phrase: “We are proud of you. You are our super mom! (on my part, praise and raising her self-esteem). Mom was inspired by my words and continued her story. She was at that moment in the center of my total attention and acceptance, no one interfered with her — before there were refutations of her exaggerations, which made her very angry, and now there was only a very attentive, understanding and accepting listener. Mom began to open up even deeper, began to tell her hidden stories, which I did not know about. From which loomed a man with a sense of guilt for his behavior, which was news to me, because of this, I was even more inspired to listen and support my mother.
It turns out that she really sees her inadequate behavior (constant «sawing») in relation to her husband and us, but she hides that she is ashamed of it and that it is simply difficult for her to cope with herself. Previously, you couldn’t say a word across her about her behavior, she took everything with hostility: “Eggs don’t teach chicken, etc.” There was a sharply aggressive defensive reaction. I immediately clung to it, but very carefully. She expressed her thought that “it’s good, if you see yourself from the outside, then it’s worth a lot, you’re done and a hero!” (support, inspiration for personal development). And on this wave she began to give small recommendations on how to act in such cases.
She began with advice on how to communicate and say something to her husband, so as not to hurt or offend, so that he would hear her. She gave a couple of tips on how to develop new habits, how to give constructive criticism using the “plus-help-plus” formula. We discussed that it is always necessary to restrain oneself and not be scattered — first always calm down, and then give instructions, etc. She explained that she simply does not have the habit of a calm reaction and she needs to learn this: “You need to try a little and everything will be fine!”. She LISTENED to my advice calmly, there was no protest! And I even tried to voice them in my own way, and what will do them, and what is already trying — for me it was a breakthrough into space!
I became even more enthusiastic and directed all my energy to support and praise her. To which she responded with kind feelings — tenderness and warmth. Of course, we cried a little, well, women, you know … girls will understand me, men will smile. On my part, it was such an explosion of love for my mother that even now I am writing these lines, and a few tears shed. Feelings, in a word … I was filled with good feelings — love, tenderness, happiness and care for loved ones!
In the conversation, my mother also dragged out her usual phrase “nobody needs me, everyone is already adults!”. To which I assured her that we really needed her as a wise mentor (although there was a clear exaggeration on my part, but she really liked it, but who wouldn’t like it?). Then the next duty phrase sounded: “I will die soon!”. In response, she heard the following thesis from me: “When you die, then worry!”. She was embarrassed by such a proposal, her eyes widened. She replied: “Then why worry?” Not letting me come to my senses, I continued: “That’s right, then it’s too late, but now it’s still early. You are full of strength and energy. Live and enjoy every day, you have us, so take care of yourself and do not forget about yourself. We are always happy to help you! And we will always come to your aid.»
In the end, we laughed, hugged and confessed our love to each other. I reminded once again that she is the best mother in the world and we really need her. So we parted under the impression, I’m sure. Arriving on the wave “The World is Beautiful”, I happily went home. I think that my mother was also on the same wavelength at that time, her appearance signaled this. The next morning, she called me herself, and we continued to communicate on a wave of love.
Conclusions
I realized and understood one important thing. A person lacks attention, care and love, the significance of his person and recognition of the relevance of the individual. And most importantly — a positive assessment from the environment. She wants it, but does not know how to get it from people correctly. And he demands it in the wrong way, begging through numerous reminders of his relevance, imposes his services, advice, but in an inadequate form. If there is no reaction from people, then there is aggression against them, a kind of resentment, it unconsciously turns into revenge. A person behaves this way because he was not taught the correct communication with people in childhood and in subsequent years.
Once an accident, twice a pattern
I am writing this work after 2 months not by chance. After this incident, I thought for a long time, how did it happen to me? After all, it didn’t just happen, didn’t it happen by chance? And thanks to some action. But there was a feeling that everything happened somehow unconsciously. Although I remembered that in a conversation you need to use this: empathy, active listening, and so on … but in general, everything went somehow spontaneously and on feelings, the head was in second place. Therefore, it was important for me to dig here. I figured out with my mind that one such case could be an accident — once I talked with a completely different person, but if there are already two such cases, this is already a small, but statistics. So I decided to test myself with another person, and just such an opportunity presented itself. My mother-in-law has a similar character, the same irascibility, aggressiveness, impatience. At the same time, a village woman with minimal education. True, my relationship with her was always a little better than with my mother. But for the meeting it was necessary to prepare in more detail. I began to remember and analyze the first conversation, brought out for myself some fads of conversation that you can rely on. And she armed herself with this to talk with her mother-in-law. I will not describe the second meeting, but the result is the same! A benevolent wave and a good ending. The mother-in-law even finally said: “Did I behave well?”. It was something, I was just taken aback and did not expect! For me, this was the answer to the question: do people with not the highest level of intelligence, knowledge, education, etc. change? Yes, friends, change! And the culprits of this change are us, those who study psychology and apply it in life. A man in his 80s tries to become better. It is clear that slowly and little by little, but this is a fact, and this is progress for them. It’s like moving an overgrown mountain. The main thing is to help loved ones! And this should be done by native people who know how to live and communicate correctly.
I summarize my actions:
- Attentive focus on the interlocutor. Distance Exercise — «Repeat verbatim» — can help in this, develop this ability.
- Sincere empathy, empathy. Appeal to the feelings of the interlocutor. Reflection of his feelings, through himself to him back. “What did you feel?… this is amazing, I admire you, you are so insightful…”
- Boost his self-esteem. Give a person confidence, assure him that he is well done, a hero in a certain situation, in what he did well in a certain situation, or vice versa, support and assure that everything that he did is not so bad, you need to see the good. Anyway, well done for holding on heroically.
- Go to cooperation with loved ones. Explain that you love each other, just care is not quite right. Give advice on how to properly care.
- Raise his self esteem. Assure that it is significant for you, necessary and relevant for you always. That in any case you can always rely on him. This additionally imposes obligations on a person in his new aspirations for his own changes.
- Give confidence that you are always there and you can count on you. «Always happy to help!» and offer to help in any way.
- A little humor for the sacrificial phrases of the interlocutor, you can prepare and apply homework if the hackneyed sacrificial phrases are already known.
- Parting on a benevolent wave and repetition, and confirmation, consolidation of a person’s high self-esteem): “You have done well with us, a fighter!”, “You are the best! Where do they get these?», «We need you!», «I’m always there.»
That’s actually all. Now I have a schema that helps me communicate productively and very joyfully with loved ones. And I am happy to share it with you, friends. Try it in life, supplement it with your experience, and we will be happy in communication and love!