Where does this feeling come from — «I am not worthy of a good life / true love / well-being»? Or a firm belief that “I have no right to be happy, only to suffer and envy others”? And is it possible to change this belief and learn to enjoy what is happening? Psychologist Robert Taibbi talks about this.
Not everyone is ready to directly admit that they have given up the desire to be happy. And even more so, not everyone will name the exact day when it happened. These people are like the unfortunate Secret Service agent who, 40 years after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, admitted in an interview that he would never forgive himself for the delay, which, in his opinion, led to the tragedy.
The belief that a person is not worthy of happiness often goes underground and stubbornly sabotages any attempts to enjoy life. Such a person lives with moderate, but at the same time chronic depression, does not go beyond the first date in a relationship, and if he has any interests and hobbies, he does not even try to truly realize them.
Most likely, he feels anxiety, but cannot pinpoint its source. Whether such a person is aware of what is happening or not, the end result is the same — there is a slow but irreversible erosion of life.
Typical sources of self-sabotage
Sins of the past
Looking back at his life, a person sees only what he did wrong and the people he hurt. His life is a chronicle of destruction and sorrow. Guilt and regret are his main emotions. Misfortune is a life sentence that he voluntarily chose to bear.
Survivor’s Guilt
Elvis Presley’s twin brother died shortly after his birth, and Elvis is said to have always been haunted by guilt for having survived while his twin brother did not. This survivor’s guilt probably haunts that same Secret Service agent Kennedy, and those who survived the plane crashes, and those doctors, rescuers, firefighters who believe that they did not do enough to save the victim. Guilt often accompanies PTSD.
Injury
Women who were sexually abused as children live with the persistent feeling that they are «dirty». They consider themselves unworthy of having children. Childhood trauma not only leaves emotional scars, it creates a distorted self-image in the child. He lives with guilt, with the fear that violence will happen again, perceives the world as unsafe, which drowns out the slightest glimpse of joy.
parental anxiety
A parent is as happy as his most unhappy child. Many have learned this from experience. The parental feature is not disabled on the day the child turns 18. Therefore, our anxiety, sometimes feelings of guilt and helplessness can become a constant background, a burden in everyday life.
Critical self-image
Those who constantly criticize themselves are perfectionists. Often they experienced abuse in childhood and received extremely negative feedback from their parents, and as adults, they are stuck at the bottom of the well and cannot get out of there. But if happiness is based on who you are, and who you are is based on what you do, and do it perfectly, then a joyful life is not attainable for you.
Sometimes you succeed in reaching your goal, but more often than not, you don’t. All you’re left with is an angry voice in your head reminding you that you screwed up yet again, that you’re a failure and you’ll never be good enough. Such perfectionism is the perfect recipe for chronic unhappiness.
Feeling guilty about being happy
“I feel guilty for laughing and being in a good mood. I have been depressed for too long and now I am afraid that those close to me will misunderstand if they see that I am doing well — they will think that I deceived them, ”many people think so.
If unhappiness has become the norm for you, if you see yourself and position yourself in front of others as an unhappy person, then even a short-term feeling of being more prosperous and happy can cause anxiety and discomfort. It’s like you can’t afford to enjoy moments of happiness because you automatically start to feel guilty and anxious.
Deserved Happiness
Here are some tips on how to let go of the burden of the past and allow happiness into your life:
make amends
Do you have compulsive regrets, guilt, or hurt that keeps you from feeling happy and want to find a way to end it? Send a letter to someone you feel offended by you and apologize for the mistake. If the contact is lost or the person is unavailable, write a letter anyway. Have a kind of closing ceremony, an act of remorse, a verbal acknowledgment of what has happened. This will allow you to put an end to it and affirm that it’s all over now.
Realize you did all you could
Yes, this is a difficult task. It is precisely because you feel that you did not do what you could — in the past or in relationships with children — you now feel pain. Although you cannot change your feelings, you can change your thoughts. And this is the main task. Think you’ve done your best. Look at the past through the lens of the present.
It is important to understand that at that particular moment you were doing everything you could, based on your age, experience and coping skills. This process will take some time. But don’t back down. Tell yourself that you want to think that way. No, you won’t feel better right away, but over time you’ll start to change the story you’ve been telling yourself for so long.
Get started with trauma
It can be very difficult to get to the main traumatic event on your own, and here it is useful to meet with a therapist who will help you go through the healing process and withstand its consequences.
Work with self-criticism
The inner voice keeps repeating that what you have done or not done is a serious problem, and the only way to solve it is to put in more effort. But the real problem lies not in your actions, but in the self-torture that destroys life. Here, as with trauma, working with a therapist will teach you how to rewire your thought patterns.
Work with anxiety and/or depression
The eternal dilemma: what comes first? Deep depression and / or increased anxiety automatically causes the brain to play the old «recordings»? Or are you depressed and anxious because you can’t get rid of negative thoughts? This is not always easy to figure out. If your thoughts about past events come and go, you can explore what triggers them during the day.
Reflections turn out to be a kind of red flags that make it clear what needs to be paid attention to. On the other hand, if such thoughts and feelings are accompanied by persistent depression or anxiety, this may be a symptom of a disorder. You should talk to your doctor about possible treatments and see how it affects your thoughts and mood.
Experience for the future
What all these sources have in common is that they are stuck — in the past, in the present. Getting stuck in emotions and ways of thinking. Changing mindsets, dealing with trauma, letting go of guilt can all help rebuild old patterns. You can also find new ways to behave. It happens, for example, that victims of violence start working in funds that help other victims of violence.
Some consciously change their values and priorities in order to build more compassionate relationships with themselves and others. You, too, can change your actions and beliefs. In particular, regarding the fact that you do not deserve happiness. Happiness is the product of a fulfilling life of self-care and forgiveness that begins with deliberate intentions and actions. After all, if not now, then when?
About the Author: Robert Taibbi is a clinical social worker with 42 years of experience as a clinical supervisor. He provides training in couples therapy, family therapy, brief therapy and clinical supervision. Author of 11 books on psychological counseling.