In The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde wrote: “Children begin by loving their parents. Growing up, they begin to judge them. Sometimes they forgive them.» The latter is not easy for everyone. What if we are overwhelmed with «forbidden» feelings: anger, anger, resentment, disappointment — in relation to the closest people? How to get rid of these emotions and is it necessary? The opinion of the co-author of the book «Mindfulness and emotions» Sandy Clark.
In describing the emotional baggage that parents pass on to their children, the English poet Philip Larkin painted a picture of nothing less than inherited trauma. At the same time, the poet emphasized that the parents themselves are often not to blame for this: yes, they harmed their child in many ways, but only because they themselves were once traumatized by upbringing.
On the one hand, many of us parents «gave everything.» Thanks to them, we have become what we have become, and it is unlikely that we will ever be able to repay their debt and repay them in kind. On the other hand, many grow up feeling like they were let down by their mother and/or father (and most likely their parents feel the same way).
It is generally accepted that we can only feel socially approved feelings for our father and mother. Being angry and offended by them is unacceptable, such emotions should be suppressed in every possible way. Do not criticize mom and dad, but accept — even if they once acted against us in a bad way and made serious mistakes in education. But the longer we deny our own feelings, even the most unpleasant ones, the more these feelings grow stronger and overwhelm us.
Psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung believed that no matter how hard we try to suppress unpleasant emotions, they will certainly find a way out. This can manifest itself in our behavior or, at worst, in the form of psychosomatic symptoms (such as a skin rash).
The best thing we can do for ourselves is to admit that we have the right to feel any feelings. Otherwise, we risk only aggravating the situation. Of course, it is also important what exactly we will do with all these emotions. It’s helpful to say to yourself, «Okay, this is how I feel — and here’s why» — and start working with your emotions in a constructive way. For example, keeping a diary, discussing them with a trusted friend, or speaking out in therapy.
Yes, our parents were wrong, but no newborn comes with instructions.
But suppose instead we continue to suppress our negative emotions towards our parents: for example, anger or disappointment. Chances are good that as these feelings are constantly churning within us, we will only focus all the time on the mistakes that mother and father made, how they let us down, and our own fault because of these feelings and thoughts. In a word, we will hold on with both hands to our own misfortune.
Having let emotions out, we will soon notice that they no longer seethe, boil, but gradually “weather” and come to naught. By giving ourselves permission to express what we feel, we can finally see the whole picture. Yes, our parents were wrong, but, on the other hand, they most likely felt their own inadequacy and self-doubt — if only because no instruction is attached to any newborn.
It takes time for the deep-seated conflict to be resolved. Our negative, uncomfortable, “bad” feelings have a reason, and the main thing is to find it. We are taught that we should treat others with understanding and sympathy — but also with ourselves. Especially in those moments when we have a hard time.
We know how we should behave with others, how we should behave in society. We ourselves drive ourselves into a rigid framework of standards and rules, and because of this, at some point we no longer understand what we really feel. We only know how we “should” feel.
This inner tug-of-war makes us suffer ourselves. To end this suffering, you just need to start treating yourself with the same kindness, care and understanding that you treat others. And if we succeed, perhaps we will suddenly realize that the emotional burden that we have been carrying around all this time has become a little easier.
Having ceased to fight with ourselves, we finally realize that neither our parents nor other people we love are perfect, which means that we ourselves do not need to correspond to a ghostly ideal at all.
About the Author: Sandy Clark is the co-author of Mindfulness and Emotion.