For six years Alexandre and I have loved each other and have not lived together… by choice! Our family and some friends find it hard to understand that we can be a couple by each living at home. But we have the experience of living together with a previous spouse, very traditional even fusional, and which ended, both of them, with a rather traumatic separation and great sadness. Since that time, I had sworn to myself that I would never live with someone again, which obviously didn’t mean that I didn’t want to fall in love again.
When I met Alexandre, I had been single for two years. I lived at my own pace with my bunch of friends, and it suited me just fine. When it got serious, I took the lead and told her about my past and my resolve to continue living on my own. He also wanted his independence and that did not shock him. He was just a little less radical than me.
“When it got serious, I took the initiative and told her about my past and my resolution to continue living on my own.”
I didn’t want to live the day-to-day with him, even though I loved him deeply. For me, routine is an irremediable killer. I know this from experience. Seeing each other systematically in the morning when you wake up, in the evening when you come home exhausted from work, share the bathroom, get angry because he leaves everything lying around or stay in their own corner with their computer … Very little for me! I caricature, but that’s what I experienced. Some may need benchmarks and habits. It should reassure them, but me, it worries me. We want to see each other all the more because it is not systematic. Our love and our desire are intact as on the first day. We leave each other to find each other better. We always have something to say to each other by only sharing “chosen” moments. We spend the night together because it makes us happy… And then we are happy to wake up together. But when I have a headache, have a cold or have a bad mood, I don’t want him to be there. Fortunately, it is the same. He doesn’t want to force football matches on me on TV, he needs silence to correct his copies. Teacher, he works a lot at home and I feel too much when he locks himself in to work… And there are a lot of examples of this kind.
We spend most of our weekends and holidays together. When we have to leave each other, my heart hurts, but I’m still happy to find my cozy nest. Our families know each other, but each sees their parents on their own. Of course, this choice of life requires a lot of confidence and we do not lack it …
“We want to see each other all the more because it’s not systematic. Our love and our desire are intact as on the first day. We leave each other to find each other better. ”
Our close entourage thought that this non-cohabitation would end when we wanted a child. So two years ago when we talked about having a baby, obviously we thought about our lifestyle. We envisioned everything, including living together. But the more we leaned towards this – let’s say reasonable – solution, the more anxious I was. So, we decided not to choose! And to let it happen … I got pregnant pretty quickly. And, although we always lived at home, Alexandre was very present during my pregnancy. He accompanied me to each ultrasound, we saw each other more, except for the first three months when the nausea did not leave me a moment alone. There, I was glad he didn’t see me like that too often. But we called each other every day, we sent each other text messages… Alexandre has never been so tender and attentive as during this period. We spent whole weekends looking for our baby’s first name, we did haptonomy sessions so that Alexandre could relate as much as possible to our future child. My mother told me that I was oblivious to not living with him! Suddenly, she was making films and imagining that things were not going so well between us. She did not understand that we were each keeping our apartment. She said that we would end up settling together, that in addition, it cost us dear … It’s true that from a financial point of view, our choice is expensive. But we are fortunate enough to make a decent living, and we can afford it. I admit it’s a luxury!
“My mother told me that I was oblivious to not living with him! Suddenly, she was making films and imagining that things were not going so well between us. ”
My pregnancy went well, but the last month Alexandre has spent a lot more time with me. By mutual agreement, it seemed obvious to us that it was better for him to be with me every night in case I gave birth. I must admit that it did not delight me to share my bed when I was huge … But hey, I was happy that Alexandre was there when I had my first contractions. We went to the maternity ward together and it was he who cut the cord when our little Jeanne was born. When I left the maternity ward, we naturally returned home, where we had set up a room for our daughter. Caring for a newborn baby was new to me, but Alexandre had had the opportunity to nurture his brother’s baby. He was able to reassure me when I felt like I couldn’t do it. Without talking about it, Alexandre settled more or less with me the first months after the birth of Jeanne. The little one didn’t sleep for three months and I was exhausted from the lack of sleep. At night, we took turns getting up.
Over time, we resumed our old way of life. Alexandre is at home three days a week and the rest of the time he lives with us. Nothing is set in stone. He can be there more if he wants to and if I don’t have a problem with that. But I still appreciate those moments of breathing where we are each at home and where we find ourselves more in love than ever. I think our little girl has everything to gain from seeing her parents happy together, even if it’s not seven days a week! Obviously, if we plan to have a second child later, I think that reality will catch up with us and that we will finally make a common apartment… But this is not yet relevant!