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While it is important to be an accomplice with your children, that does not mean that you should tell them everything. It is essential to preserve them, some things only concerning adults …
Discuss what concerns him personally
If we know today how toxic family secrets can be, we also know that a surplus of information given early is just as toxic. So how do we choose the right information to share with our little ones? It’s very simple, children have the right to know what concerns them directly. For example family changes, a move, a death in the family, their illnesses or those of their parents. They also have the right to know everything related to their origins, their place in filiation, their possible adoption. Of course, we do not address a 3 or 4 year old child as a 15 year old teenager! It is advisable to put oneself within reach, to find simple words which he can understand and to limit the superfluous details which may disturb him. It is certainly not easy to approach the difficulties of life with a toddler, but it is essential because he has eyes, ears and he can see that the family atmosphere is disturbed. The important thing is to always accompany bad news with positive messages of hope: “Dad has lost his job, but don’t worry, we will always have what is necessary to live, eat, find accommodation, we touch allowances. Your father is looking for a new job and he will find it. »Prepare what you are going to say well, wait until you feel strong enough to speak calmly, without worry, without having tears in your eyes. If a loved one is ill, give the information frankly and optimistically: “We are worried because your grandmother is ill, but the doctors are doing all they can to take care of her. We all hope she will heal. “
Set limits
Even though it sounds brutal, a toddler should be warned when an important person in the family dies, with simple, clear, age-appropriate words: “Your grandfather is dead. We are all very sad, we will not forget it because we will keep it in our hearts. “It is fundamental not to use metaphors that are supposed to be less harsh on small ears, such as:” Your grandfather has just passed away, he has gone to heaven, he has gone on a long journey, he has left us, he fell asleep forever… ”. Indeed, the child takes everything literally and he is convinced that the dead person will come back, wake up, reappear… Take care to speak to him face-to-face, observe his reactions, listen to him. If you find that he looks sad, worried, fearful, encourage him to tell you what he is feeling, reassure him and console him.
Once you have given the information, once you have answered a question or two, do not go into too specific, or even too crude, details. Your role as a parent is, as in all things, to set limits: “I have told you what you need to know right now. Later, when you’re older, we can of course talk about it again if you wish. We will explain it to you and you will know everything you want to know. »To tell him that there are things that he cannot yet understand because he is too small marks a limit between the generations and will make him want to grow up…
Talk to him tactfully about the people he loves
Informing your child about what concerns him is great, but is it a good idea to tell him what you think of the adults around him? From his grandparents, for example, who are also our parents… The relationships of toddlers with their grandparents are very important and we must indeed preserve them. We can say: “With me, it’s complicated, but you love them and they love you, and I can see that they are nice to you! The same kindness if your in-laws get on your nerves. You don’t have to tell your little one that your mother-in-law is ruining your life, even if it’s true. He is not the right interlocutor to settle your scores… As a general rule, you should never ask a child to take sides between two adults whom he likes. If he takes sides, he feels guilty and it is very painful for him. Another taboo subject, his friends and girlfriends. Whatever his age, we do not “break” his friends either because he is the one who feels called into question and it hurts him. If you really disapprove of the attitude of one of his buddies, you can say: “It is we who think like that, it is our vision, but it is not the only vision, and you can see it. otherwise. The important thing is to always protect the strong bonds he creates with other people. Another essential figure in the life of a toddler, his mistress. Then again, even if you don’t like him, don’t go undermine his authority in your child’s eyes. If he complains about her and her methods, if he is regularly punished because of his behavior in class, do not automatically place the responsibility on the teacher: “She sucks, she is too severe, she does not know her job, she has no psychology! Instead, play down the situation by helping your child to solve his problem, show him that there are solutions, means of action, remedies. This does not prevent laughing with him by giving for example to the teacher a funny nickname which will be a code between you and him. The positive message to get across is that we can always make a difference.
Keep silent about your privacy
While it is normal for a parent to ask their child where they go out and with whom because they are responsible for them, the converse is not true. The love life and a fortiori the sex life of parents, their relationship problems, absolutely do not concern the children. This does not mean that in the event of a marital disagreement, you should pretend everything is fine. No one is fooled when the tension and the discomfort are read on the faces and pass through the pores of the skin… You can say to a toddler: “It’s true, we have a problem your father and I, a grown-up problem. It has nothing to do with you and we are looking for solutions to solve it. ” Period. At this age, he does not know what to do with confidences, it is very heavy and painful for him because he is caught in a conflict of loyalty. Each parent must keep in mind that a child cannot be a confidant, that one cannot speak to him to relieve his conscience, to vent his sadness or anger, to denigrate the other parent, to seek his approval, convince him that one is right and the other wrong, ask for his support … In general, it is important to protect a toddler from anything that has not been decided, to spare him the processes in progress because it needs certainties and sure benchmarks. As long as his parents are wondering if they are going to separate, as long as they doubt, they keep him to themselves! When the decision is made, when it is final, only then do they tell him the truth: “Mum and dad don’t love each other enough to continue living together.” Needless to say that daddy has a mistress or mom a lover! What concerns the child is knowing where he will live and whether he will continue to see both parents. This line of absolute discretion also applies to single moms and dads. Keeping their child out of their romantic life must remain their priority as long as the relationships are fleeting.
Say it simply
Indeed, patience is an important parameter, but frankness is just as important. The arrival of a man in the life of a mother has an impact on her life as a child. Things have to be said simply: “Let me introduce you M, we are very happy to be together.” M will live with us, we will do this and that together on the weekends, we hope you will be happy too. “You should not ask his opinion, but on the contrary put him in front of a state of affairs, while reassuring him:” Nothing will change, you will always see your daddy. Yes, I understand, you are worried and / or angry, but I know it will get better. A mother or a father cannot ask their child for permission to have a love life, because that would put them in the position of parent. And if he insists on knowing if his investigations embarrass you, just tell him: “It’s a grown-up question, we’ll discuss it when you’re older.” »Contrary to what we see a lot today in TV ads, we have the right not to answer children’s questions, adults are us, not them!