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Regularly going to fitness, sticking to the chosen diet, doing community work — how often do we start everything with enthusiasm and soon quit? Clinical psychologist Robert Taibbi analyzes the obstacles that stand in the way of the intended goals, and gives advice on how to overcome them.
From time to time we set the right and important tasks, and then «jump off». For example, a typical story for many is buying a fitness membership. I want to get back in shape and go to the gym, we are inspired and ready to practice. The first week we go there every day, from Monday to Friday, and even on weekends.
The next week, we get unsettled by a conflict at work or a deadline, and we skip the day. After another week, we listen to how we feel and understand that we are tired and not ready to go to the gym every day. And four weeks later, we don’t show up at all.
For some, this is a story about a new diet, for others, relationships develop in this way with additional obligations, such as volunteering. Clinical therapist Robert Taibbi says it’s not all that bad. Or rather, quite well and absolutely solvable. One has only to understand the problems, some of which appear at the beginning of the journey, and some in the process.
He offers a systematic approach and lists the barriers to achieving the goal, and also offers «antidotes».
1. Unreasonable expectations
Looking back, we realize that going to the gym five days a week was an unrealistic goal given our work schedule. Or we may find that volunteering takes more hours than we expected, or that the diet we started doesn’t fit our lifestyle. Having unreasonable or unclear expectations is a front-end problem that needs to be addressed before the process even begins.
Antidote:
“Before you begin, be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do; Gather the information you need to make an informed decision,” Taibbi writes.
2. Categorical: «all or nothing»
It has to do with expectations, we tend to think and evaluate success in hard, black and white terms: go to the gym five days a week or not go at all, stick to a diet strictly or give up after the first breakdown, save the world or give up, etc.
Antidote:
Create reasonable flexibility in the plan of action.
3. Impetuous
The habit of following emotional impulses becomes a problem when planning a long-term strategy. Many are prone to such “swings”: we start doing what we want, then we feel bored or face difficulties — heaviness, fatigue, or simply lose desire, and quit what we started at the start or halfway. This is especially true for restless individuals and people with attention deficit disorder.
Antidote:
The key is to treat it as a separate major issue and then actively build willpower and discipline. Robert Taibbi suggests that on the way to the goal, experiment with suppressing emotions and continue to act, despite how we feel.
4. Confusion between «want» and «should»
According to our beliefs or the influence of the environment, we should help those in need, but this particular format of volunteering may not suit us. Or we say that we should go to the gym, but in fact we hate these activities, we need to lose weight, but we don’t want to give up our favorite dishes.
Antidote:
Be honest with yourself and don’t confuse means with ends. «It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re essentially forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to do.» If our value system is to help those in need, then you can find a comfortable way to do it. And if you don’t like the gym and simulators, you can support your figure by jogging in a good company or in yoga classes. And now there are a great many diets, and not all of them force you to deprive yourself of pleasure.
5. Inability to say «no»
Sometimes we cannot refuse others and then we find ourselves where we are uncomfortable. For example, with a group of volunteers we do something for which we are not emotionally or physically ready. We have to adapt to those around us and circumstances, but lack of desire and resentment kicks in, and we find excuses to quit.
Antidote:
“Like emotional outbursts, this is usually a more serious problem that needs to be addressed directly,” Taibbi said. We should practice persistence, refuse, and learn to endure possible negative reactions in return. You can start anywhere, taking small steps, gradually going beyond your comfort zone.
6. Lack of positive reinforcement
As studies show and experience confirms, motivation is high at the start of a new project. But then the work becomes difficult, the novelty fades, expectations are sometimes not met, and boredom or frustration sets in.
Antidote:
This is natural and predictable. This is easy to foresee and think over the system of rewards and rewards in advance. For example, take a delicious breakfast with you and eat after fitness, or invite a friend to go to the gym together and support each other. Or after completing a difficult mission, invite a group of volunteers to have dinner together. And for the dieter, the reward for reaching the intermediate — and achievable! — the goal may be to buy new clothes.
“If you’re used to quitting, you’ll end up playing the role of lazybones easily and essentially give up trying to achieve something new. Or you will think that you just need to be even more determined and persistent, and continue to put pressure on yourself. Instead, look at your experience and look for patterns in it to understand where you stumbled and when exactly you went off the rails, ”says Robert Taibbi.
Once we understand the challenges we are facing, we can begin to solve them and achieve our goals, not forgetting the reward system and support.
About the Author: Robert Taibbi is a clinical psychologist, family relations specialist, and author of books on psychotherapy.