They control our destinies

What family has no secrets? We do not talk about them with strangers, we are often silent among ourselves, but they live among us, changing the lives of many generations.

The whole family gathered for dinner – Elzh celebrates her 60th birthday. Christian takes the floor. “As the eldest son, I would like to propose the first toast. It will be something like a “moment of truth” called “When dad took a bath.” On this day, he brought me and my sister Linda to his place. He prepared in advance: he lowered the blinds, lit a beautiful lamp and locked the door. Then he took off his shirt and trousers, and we had to do the same. He laid us on a green sofa, which was then thrown away, and raped us on it. When my sister died, I remembered: he did not miss a single bathing day. And I decided to tell all of you about it: such are the baths in summer and winter, autumn and spring, in the morning and at bedtime.

“CHILDREN UNCONSCIOUSLY PERCEIVE ANY SHADES OF BEHAVIOR OF ADULTS”

This episode from Dane Thomas Vinterberg’s film Festen is an accurate illustration of the concept of “family secret”. This is knowledge that several relatives possess, but they do not share with anyone, because it is shameful or dangerous to talk about it. There are secrets in every family, they can be serious and not very, but they never do without consequences.

What are we talking about

“I am cautious about versions of family history in which everything is clear, smooth – a sort of ceremonial family portrait,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – In the family (especially in the turbulent twentieth century) there was always something to hide. Of course, the plots of secrets change over time, but the very concept of “family secret” does not disappear.” Previously, they did not talk about bad heredity, illegitimate children, suicides, mental illnesses, disagreements with the law. Today, too, the “shameful” is more often hidden: the double life of the father, the non-standard sexual orientation of the uncle … The secret of secrets remains incest, and AIDS occupies the first place among our family secrets. “Such a secret raises other “dangerous” questions: “Was my relative a drug addict? How did he get infected? – explains the French psychoanalyst Sylvie Angel (Sylvie Angel).

But the imprisonment of one of the family members – knowledge that shocks most Europeans – is not always hidden from the Russians. “In the well-known regions of Siberia,” comments psychologist Alexandra Suchkova, “they talk about this calmly, without strain and embarrassment.”

Everything that can tarnish the image of the family becomes a secret.

Non-standard sexuality, infertility, divorce, death, mental illness, physical disability, ruin, ugly deeds …

Secrets can’t be hidden

Unusual behavior of parents, evasive phrases … Children unconsciously perceive what they want to hide from them.

Their influence grows from generation to generation

A secret kept in secret changes the lives of children: they choose strange hobbies for others, feel insecure and anxious, deceive, can become dependent and aggressive.

Nothing can be hidden

The secret betrays itself through disturbing behavior: ambiguous phrases, an elusive look, changes in facial expressions and voice. “If you look carefully at the tense behavior,” says marital therapist Martine Nisse, “the frightened look, the blush of shame on the face, the marks on the body and their ridiculous explanations (the beaten woman will say that she fell down the stairs, the drug addict will say that he has eczema on his elbow), if you put it all together like the pieces of a puzzle, the mystery becomes clear.”

Invisible heritage

Family relationships are generally built on halftones, and children unconsciously perceive any shades of adult behavior. “As soon as the little son of Mary picked up a bottle of milk, she snatched it out with the words:“ You will choke! – says the French psychoanalyst Serge Tisseron (Serge Tisseron). – At the reception, it turned out that her grandfather died of suffocation. The tragedy was kept secret, but Maria’s mother, who knew about it, checked every night to see if her daughter had suffocated under the covers. Having become an adult, Maria unconsciously transferred the feeling of anxiety to her child, and now her behavior will surely cause fear in her son – not to suffocate, but not to receive – love, food, money … “

The unspoken secret dictates the rule: “Don’t trust, don’t talk, don’t feel.”

Another plot: only girls were born in Anna’s family. And she herself gave birth to a daughter. Her second pregnancy (waiting for a boy) ended in a late miscarriage. For the third time – a son was to be born – she ended up in the hospital because of the threat of premature birth. With the help of a psychologist, Anna found out that many years ago, her maternal grandmother’s son was born dead. This unexploded pain was reflected in all generations of the family, turning into repetitive behavior.

“Such repetitions, for which there are no rational reasons,” explains Ekaterina Mikhailova, “these are distant echoes of events that have been hushed up for a long time. And the main influence is exerted not by the facts themselves, but by the unlived feelings associated with them – unforgiven resentment, unexperienced mourning, unredeemed guilt.

It also happens vice versa: the next generations unconsciously act opposite to the actions of their ancestors. According to the French psychotherapist Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger, “if there was an illegitimate child in the family, the women of this family, often without realizing it, choose a non-standard sexual orientation or refuse sex altogether, thus keeping the family from the appearance of other illegitimate children” .

Secrets “bad” and “good”

Not all secrets are dangerous. Insignificant and very pleasant events (a birthday present, choosing a name for an unborn child), secrets regarding our weaknesses, complexes (frank confessions that are trusted only by a diary or a close friend) – all of them are inevitable in our life, make it rich and complete. Other mysteries (aunt’s suicide, grandfather’s troubled past, father’s betrayal…) affect the lives of their keepers and the ignorant. They often become obvious – no matter what precautions are taken.

First generation: to speak or remain silent?

Different generations convey the secret to their descendants in different ways. The first generation – the bearers of the secret – is literally torn between the desire to remain silent and the need to confess.

According to the results of blood tests, Elena found out that the father of her second son was not a husband, but a lover. From that moment on, she tried to prevent her husband and children from getting any information about their blood types. Even if a program started on television in which the topic itself was mentioned, Elena would grab the remote control to switch to another channel, or simply turn off the TV. In fact, she did everything to hide her secret and show that she was hiding something at the same time.

Second generation: a problem with unknowns

A child living in an atmosphere of understatement does not believe his feelings and tries to dissuade himself: after all, parents cannot lie. According to Ekaterina Mikhailova, “in families where there are a lot of secrets, there are always problems with trust: the child learns early that to ask a simple question “How was it?” it’s impossible: the parents’ facial expression will immediately change, their voice will tremble or their hands will clench into fists. In families where there is a “dangerous” secret, a culture of silence is usually practiced and an unspoken rule is adopted: “do not trust, do not speak, do not feel.”

Third generation: everything is in the sensations

Never knowing what their parents were hiding, the children pass on the feeling of innuendo and anxiety to their children – the grandchildren of the keepers of secrets. “There are families where there is a tradition not to take pictures and not to keep photos,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “If a person leaves nothing to remember, throws away old things and is sure that he is doing the right thing, there must have been severe pain in his family three or four generations ago that was not mourned.”

“We must not only hide the secret, but also free ourselves from its power”

Grandchildren and great-grandchildren are often the first to receive answers to forbidden questions. “In most families in the third generation, the family self-healing occurs,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. – Over the years, life changes a lot, and the reasons that gave rise to a family secret cease to be relevant. In addition, the generations of parents and children are too close to each other, and grandparents, and even more so almost mythical, legendary great-grandparents, are much more interesting to grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It’s as if they are not relatives, but literary characters – it’s easier for them and about them to ask questions. They often seek and find support. What the family was once ashamed of (for example, noble origin), great-grandchildren are proud.

Break the law of silence

Just revealing the secret is not enough, you need to get rid of it, and this often requires the support of a psychotherapist. “A person must understand that he is already HIMSELF, an adult and is not responsible for the troubles of his kind,” says French psychoanalyst Claude Nachin. “He is free and can live his own life.”

Famous people unknown

In 1999, actor Jackie Chan’s mother’s health deteriorated, prompting his father to tell Jackie the true story of their family. It turned out that he had brothers and sisters in mainland China, and his last name was not Chan at all. His father was not a cook at the Australian Embassy in Hong Kong, and his mother was not a maid. She transported opium for the survival of her children, and her father, who practiced kung fu, was a spy and hitman in the service of the Chinese Nationalist Party. Like many Chinese families, the Chan family was torn apart by wars – World War II and civil war; then the Cultural Revolution affected her, and the Chans shared the fate of many Chinese in their mass exodus from their homeland … It was the tragic typicality of family history that made Jackie Chan spend 2 million Hong Kong dollars to create a documentary – about his family, China, revolutions and wars that do not spare people. The movie is called Jackie Chan: Traces of a Dragon.

Famous people unknown

Megastar Jack Nicholson did not know who his father was for a long time. But this is nothing compared to the fact that he did not know who his real mother was. The fact is that he considered his grandmother his mother, and his mother called his sister. The grandmother decided to hide the shame of her daughter, who gave birth at the age of 17, and declared herself the mother of the baby. Now it seems to Jack Nicholson that his whole childhood was permeated with a secret, which, however, was discovered by journalists. The actor then tracked down his father – a player, ladies’ man and slalom lover.

Close-up secrets

“Padre, I believed you as God, and you lied to me all my life!” – said the most, perhaps, the most romantic of the heroes of Soviet cinema to his father, whom for many years he considered only a family friend, his tutor and confessor. “The Gadfly” with Oleg Strizhenov was an exemplary socialist realist film, but they loved it mainly for its romantic secret – the secret of the hero’s birth, which had such a fatal effect on his fate …

Secrets of origin, family ties, both romantic and shameful – the reason for their popularity in cinema is simple: the tearful genre appeals to the simple feelings of an ordinary person, and what can be more sensitive than blood ties? “Films of Feelings” is simply doomed to develop this theme.

But the cinema is a higher genre and moves on: the revealed family secret becomes the source of spiritual experiences. The Austrian Michael Haneke, an irreconcilable provocateur of Western civilization for self-disclosure, is moving in this “cosmogonic” direction in his new film “The Hidden” (Сache’).

The hero of Daniel Otoy, a popular TV presenter, after the letters of a mysterious blackmailer, had to reanimate a long-standing feeling of guilt in himself – for having slandered and forced to expel his adopted Algerian brother from the family as a child. Behind the guilt of the hero here is the guilt of the whole French nation – for the forgotten war in Algeria, its victims and, most importantly, for the fact that now it is hushed up.

But there are also people who do not treat the concept of a family secret with Sophocles’ fatalism. On the contrary, it is for them as the beginning of incredible and comical adventures. Robert Rodriguez, a director who doesn’t want to beat anyone because he’s not afraid of anyone, made a truly beautiful family in his Spy Kids. In it, mom and dad hid their terrible past from the children – the past of super agents-superkillers. And what happened when the children found out about it? King Oedipus, with his humble family secret, never dreamed of such a thing!

Famous people unknown

“Substitution” of parents is quite a common secret in the families of many celebrities. The famous poet Louis Aragon also had to learn a family secret of this kind. At the age of 20, leaving for the front, Aragon discovered that his older sister was actually his mother, and the venerable head of a friendly family and his godfather was actually his own father. Aragon’s maternal grandparents impersonated his parents to avoid scandal. Later, the poet commented on what was revealed: “My true father forced my sister to tell me that she was not my sister, because he was afraid that they would kill me, and I would never know that I was living proof of his male strength.” Aragon was right in his irony – not all fathers deserve respect.

“We hide not shame, but fear”

There have always been too many secrets in our country, and this is not a reason for pride. Tells about the peculiarities of domestic family secrets psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova.

Psychologies: Are our secrets different from those of the West?

Ekaterina Mikhailova: They are associated primarily not with a sense of shame, but with a sense of fear of a real threat to life. There were many reasons: wars, revolutions, NEP, collectivization, 1937… The scale of secrets in our country is greater than anywhere else, something has been constantly hidden for several generations. What had to be hidden often changed: during the First World War, for example, it was undesirable to have German relatives. And after the revolution, when many had to hide their origin, the number of secrets grew exponentially.

What are they hiding now?

EM: Betrayal of every kind. The man changed his surname, left and never communicated with his relatives. Or a domestic, quite international situation – the existence of a second family. “Bad” deaths are hidden, similar to murder or suicide, deaths from criminal abortions or hard drinking. Hidden crime, often associated with embezzlement; mental illness, when a person is treated secretly. In my practice, there was a case when a child was not allowed out into the street so that he would not tell about the constantly curtained windows in the house – his sick uncle was afraid of daylight.

Hiding, probably, and what used to be proud of?

EM: I work a lot with the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of those who planted, and almost never meet the grandchildren and great-grandchildren of those who planted.

There is none of them?

EM: This is theoretically impossible. So, they are silent about it. They also do not admit that relatives were party functionaries. Alas, we have firmly instilled a counting scheme to two: there are “ours” and “not ours”, black and white.

Incest is one of the most dangerous secrets in the world. Why don’t they talk about it in our country?

EM: Unfortunately, we are not poor with this sad material, but in such a situation, defense mechanisms are activated, and a person can suppress thoughts about it, “forget” what happened. Memories begin only when his condition is perceived by others and the outside world, as it were, tells the person: it’s not your fault that this happened to you. But in Russia these words have not yet been uttered.

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