It is impossible to make up for the lack of self-love at the expense of the feeling of another person. At least, such a relationship will not bring happiness to any of the partners. How to make up for the lack of love?
In a couple, two people love each other by definition. Is it so important that one of them may not love himself too much?
Jacques Salome, sociopsychologist: Of course it’s important! After all, self-love is the source of benevolence and respect. If these feelings are not enough, the relationship becomes authoritarian or is built according to the “victim-persecutor” type.
If I do not love myself, then I will not be able to love another, because I will strive only for one thing – to be loved myself. And I will either have to ask for “additives” all the time, or give up the feeling of the other person, because what I received is not enough.
In any case, it is very difficult to give something: not loving myself, I think that I cannot give anything worthwhile and interesting to another, and if I do give, then with the feeling that I am taking away something important from myself.
Do you think that such a relationship is doomed to failure?
Yes, and this rule is constantly confirmed. In such a pair, the one who does not love himself first uses, and then destroys the partner’s trust. The “provider of love” becomes embarrassed, he begins to doubt and eventually gets tired of continuously proving his feelings. The mission imposed on him is impossible: you cannot give another what he can give himself only himself – love for himself.
Lack of self-love literally drives us in search of the person we are trying to get to love ourselves. We unwittingly cheat, as if telling our partner: “Look how much I need you! As long as you give me what I want, I’m not going anywhere from you! He, in turn, could answer this: “I feel very well that you do not love me, but I believe that sooner or later you will love me for my love.”
Another option: the one who does not love himself often questions the feelings of the other: “Why does he need such a nonentity as me? So he’s even worse than me!” This happens unconsciously, but greatly spoils close relationships.
The lack of self-love can also take the form of an almost manic devotion, an obsession with love for another.
But such a “soul gift” masks a need to be loved that will never be fully satisfied. So, one woman told me how she suffered from … her husband’s constant declarations of love!
There was a menacing exactingness about them, a hidden psychological violence that nullified everything that could be good in their relationship. After parting with her husband, she lost 20 kg in two months, which she had previously gained, unconsciously trying to protect herself from his terrorizing confessions.
How does a lack of self-love affect your sex life?
Sex is based on the connection of all languages of communication – and feelings, and desires, and our unconscious, and our mind. In sexual intercourse, a lack of self-love can cause increased demands, even violence. One who does not love himself can at the same time accept anything from a partner, turning only into an object of his desire, and, conversely, treat his partner only as an object of his own pleasure.
I keep thinking of the same woman who, in her words, “revolted after 15 years of marriage”: she felt that her husband was making love to her for the sole purpose of confirming that her body was his property.
Can the love of another person make up for the lack of love for oneself?
This is an illusion as harmful as it is futile – as if you can hide your fear and anxiety under the cover of someone’s love. When a person does not love himself, he craves absolute, unconditional love and, as a result, requires his partner to constantly show him evidence of his feelings. Such a person dooms himself to constant fear and uncertainty: do they really love him?
One man told me about his girlfriend, who literally tortured his feelings, testing the relationship for strength. This woman seemed to be asking him all the time, “Will you still love me even if I treat you badly if you can’t trust me?”
Love that does not fit into a worthy relationship, does not shape the personality and does not satisfy its needs.
I myself was a very beloved child, my mother’s main treasure. But she built a relationship with me with the help of orders, blackmail and threats that did not allow me to learn trust, goodwill and self-love. Despite the adoration of my mother, I did not love myself.
At the age of nine I fell ill and had to be treated in a sanatorium. There I met a nurse who (for the first time in my life!) gave me an amazing feeling: I am valuable – just the way I am. I am worthy of respect, which means I am worthy of love.
Another example: during therapy, it is not the love of the therapist that helps to change the view of oneself, but the quality of the relationship that he offers (even if it seems that he loves you more than others). It is a relationship based on goodwill and the ability to listen. That is why I never tire of repeating: the best gift we can give a child is not so much to love him as to teach him to love himself.
What is the advantage of a couple in which both partners love themselves enough to be together?
In the opportunity to create a relationship alive and creative, which will open the way to all that is called the joys of love, to its enormous potential. In love, there are always three of us: me, another person and … the relationship between us!
When they don’t “work” correctly, one of us wants to control the other or expects the other to control him. When partners respect themselves and each other, each becomes responsible for their part of the relationship and can determine their position without having to put down the other. And this is the best remedy for addiction and destructive conflicts.
About the expert: Jacques Salome is a well-known French sociopsychologist, methodologist with 20 years of practical experience in the field of interpersonal relations, writer, poet.