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Grief happened in the families of Diana Shurygina and Sergei Semenov. Diana survived the violence and became the object of harassment, Sergei was convicted and is serving his sentence. The tragedy of young people raises global questions: why does this happen, how does society react to it, and what can be done to prevent this from happening to our children. Psychologist Yulia Zakharova explains.
In the spring of 2016, 17-year-old Ulyanovsk resident Diana Shurygina accused 21-year-old Sergei Semenov of rape. The court found Semyonov guilty and sentenced him to 8 years in a strict regime colony (after an appeal, the term was reduced to three years and three months of general regime). Relatives and friends of Sergei do not believe in his guilt. In his support, a popular VKontakte, the petition is open for signing. Other outnumbered in a small town opposes victimblaming (accusations of the victim) and supports Diana.
This case is one of many, but they started talking about it after several episodes of the “Let them talk” program. Why do tens of thousands of people participate in discussions that are not directly related to them, and spend time trying to figure out this story?
We are interested in events that may have some, even if purely theoretical, relation to ourselves. We identify ourselves with the heroes of this story, empathize with them and do not want this situation to happen to us and our loved ones.
We want a safe world for our child — one where the strong do not use their strength
Someone empathizes with Sergey: what if this happens to one of my friends? With brother? With me? Went to a party and ended up in jail. Others put themselves in Diana’s place: how to forget what happened and live a normal life?
Such situations to some extent help us organize our knowledge about the world. We want predictability, we want to be in control of our lives and understand what we need to avoid in order to avoid getting into trouble.
There are those who think about the feelings of the parents of the children. Some put themselves in the place of Sergey’s parents: how can we protect our sons? What if they were dragged into bed by a treacherous seductress who actually turned out to be a minor? How to explain to them that the word «no», said by a partner at any time, is a signal to stop? Does the son understand that it is not necessary to have sex with a girl he has known for only a couple of hours?
And the worst thing: what if my son really can rape the girl he likes? So I raised a monster? It’s impossible to think about it.
Have we explained the rules of the game to the children well enough, have they understood us, do they follow our advice?
Many can easily put themselves in the place of Diana’s parents: what if my daughter finds herself in the company of drunk adult men? What if she drinks, loses control, and someone takes advantage of it? Or maybe she wants romance, misjudges the situation and gets into trouble? And if she herself provokes a man, poorly understanding the possible consequences?
We want a safe world for our child, one where the strong will not use their strength. But the news feeds are telling the opposite: the world is far from safe. Will the victim be comforted by her being right if what happened can no longer be changed?
We raise children and control them less and less every year: they grow up, become independent. Ultimately, this is our goal — to raise self-reliant people who can cope with life on their own. But did we explain the rules of the game to them well enough, did they understand us, do they follow our advice? Reading such stories, we definitely understand: no, not always.
Situations like these expose our own fears. We try to protect ourselves and loved ones from misfortunes, we do everything in our power to prevent misfortune from happening. However, despite our best efforts, some areas are beyond our control. We are especially vulnerable to our children.
And then we feel anxiety and powerlessness: we are doing everything we can, but there are no guarantees that what happened to the Semyonovs and Shurygins will not happen to us and our loved ones. And it’s not about which camp we are in — for Diana or for Sergei. When we get involved in such dramatic stories, we are all in the same camp: we are fighting with our powerlessness and anxiety.
We feel the need to do something. We go to the Net, looking for right and wrong, trying to streamline the world, make it simple, understandable and predictable. But our comments under the photos of Diana and Sergey will not make the world safer. The hole in our security cannot be filled with angry comments.
But there is a choice: we can refuse to fight. Realize that not everything can be controlled, and live, realizing that there is uncertainty, imperfection, insecurity, unpredictability in the world. Sometimes misfortunes happen. Children make irreparable mistakes. And even with maximum efforts, we cannot always protect them from everything in the world and protect ourselves.
Accepting such truth and such feelings is much more difficult than commenting, right? But then there is no need to run anywhere, fight and prove.
But what to do? Spending time and life on what is dear and valuable to us, on interesting things and hobbies, on those loved ones and loved ones whom we are trying so hard to protect.
Do not reduce communication to control and moralizing
Here are some practical tips.
1. Explain to your teenager that the older and more independent he becomes, the more he is responsible for his own safety. Taking alcohol and drugs, relaxing in an unfamiliar company are all risk factors. He, and no one else, must now watch to see if he loses control, if the environment is safe.
2. Focus on the responsibility of the teenager. Childhood ends, and with rights comes responsibility for one’s actions. Wrong decisions can have severe, irreparable consequences and seriously distort the life trajectory.
3. Talk to your teen about sex
Sexual relations with strangers are not only immoral, but also dangerous. They can lead to disease, violence, blackmail, unplanned pregnancy.
4. Explain to the teenager the rules of the game: a person has the right to refuse sexual contact at any time. Despite disappointment and resentment, the word «no» should always be an excuse to stop sexual contact. If this word is not heard, regarded as an element of the game, ignored, in the end it can lead to a crime.
5. Set a personal example of responsible and safe behavior for teenagers — this will be the best argument.
6. Invest in a trusting relationship with your child. Do not rush to ban and condemn. So you will know more about how and with whom children spend time. Offer your teenager help: he needs to know that you will try to help him if he gets into a difficult situation.
7. Remember, you can’t foresee and control everything. Try to accept it. Children have the right to make mistakes, misfortune can happen to anyone.
Let your communication not be reduced only to control and moralizing. Spend time together. Discuss interesting events, watch movies together, enjoy communication — children grow up so quickly.
“We have a rape culture in our society”
Evgeny Osin, psychologist:
This story needs a long and thorough analysis before drawing conclusions about what really happened and who is responsible for it. We seek to simplify the situation by labeling its participants as perpetrator and victim in order to start fighting for the truth, defending the side that we feel deserves it.
But feelings in this case are deceptive. The victims in this situation — for various reasons — were both young men. Active discussion of the details of their history with the transition to the individual is much more likely to hurt them than help them.
In the discussion around this situation, two points of view are fighting. According to the first, the girl is to blame for the rape, who first provoked the young man with her irresponsible behavior, and then also broke his life. According to the second point of view, the young man is to blame, because in such cases the man is responsible for everything. Attempts to completely reduce any real life story to this or that simple explanatory scheme, as a rule, are doomed to failure. But the spread of these schemes themselves has extremely important consequences for society as a whole.
The more people in the country share and spread the point of view “she is to blame”, the more tragic the fate of these women
The first point of view is the position of the so-called «rape culture». She suggests that a man is a creature that is not able to control his impulses and instincts, and a woman who dresses or behaves provocatively makes men attack herself.
You can not trust the evidence of Sergei’s guilt, but it is also important to restrain the emerging desire to blame Diana for everything: we do not have exact information about what happened, but the spread of the point of view, according to which the victim is “to blame”, is extremely harmful and dangerous for society. In Russia, tens of thousands of women are raped every year, many of whom, finding themselves in this difficult and traumatic situation, cannot receive the necessary protection from the police and are deprived of the support of society and loved ones.
The more people in the country share and disseminate the point of view “she is to blame”, the more tragic the fate of these women. Unfortunately, this archaic approach seduces us with its simplicity: perhaps the case of Diana and Sergey came to the attention precisely because it gives chances to justify this point of view.
But we should remember that in the vast majority of cases, a woman is much less likely to protect her rights than a man. In a civilized society, the responsibility for one’s feelings, impulses and actions is borne by their subject, and not by the one who could «provoke» them (even without wanting to). Whatever really happened between Diana and Sergey, don’t give in to the lure of «rape culture».