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Psychotherapist Jim Walkup on the nature of flashbacks — vivid, painful, «living» memories, and how to deal with them.
You’re watching a movie and all of a sudden it comes up with extramarital affairs. You begin to scroll in your head everything that you fantasized and experienced when you found out about your partner’s betrayal. All bodily sensations, as well as anger and pain that you experienced at the moment of the sad discovery, instantly return to you. You experience a vivid, very realistic flashback. After the September 11 tragedy in the United States, people were afraid to look at the sky: they saw its blue right before the planes destroyed the towers of the World Trade Center. What you’re experiencing is similar to PTSD.
People who have experienced “real” trauma will not understand your suffering and defensive aggression. Your partner will be amazed at your violent reaction to the memories. He will probably advise you to put everything out of your head. The problem is that you can’t do it. Your body reacts in this way to injury.
Emotional reactions are like waves in the ocean. They always have a beginning, middle and end. The good news is that everything will pass — remember this, and this will help relieve experiences that seem unbearable.
What’s really going on
You are not to blame for anything. Your world has collapsed. The brain could not retain the old picture of the world, so now you are experiencing negative consequences. The psyche is trying to recover, which provokes sudden invasions of unpleasant memories. It is enough to walk past the restaurant where the partner met with the other, or during sex, remember the details of the correspondence that you read.
By the same principle, soldiers who witnessed the death of friends during the explosion have nightmares. They were seized by fear and at the same time unwillingness to believe that the world is so terrible. The brain cannot handle such an onslaught.
You are experiencing unbearable pain right now, not distinguishing the past from the present
When such reactions burst into consciousness, it does not perceive them as part of the past. It seems that you are again at the epicenter of the tragedy. You are experiencing unbearable pain right now, not distinguishing the past from the present.
The partner repented, time passes, and you gradually heal the wounds. But during flashbacks, you feel the same anger and despair that you did the minute you first found out about the betrayal.
What to do
Don’t focus on flashbacks, look for ways to distract yourself. Do not neglect the standard recommendations: exercise regularly, sleep more, eat right. At the height of your emotions, remind yourself that the wave will pass and it will all be over. Tell your partner how to help you. It may hurt so much at first that you don’t even want to hear about it. But as the relationship heals, you will benefit from hugs or the opportunity to talk. Explain to your partner that he cannot solve the problem, but he can go through it with you.
He must understand: there is no need to be afraid of your bad mood. Explain that any support he has will help him heal.
If you feel that you are falling into despair, find a person to whom you can pour out your soul. See a therapist who specializes in rebuilding relationships after infidelity. The right techniques will make this process less painful.
If flashbacks come back, you are most likely tired or weakened from stress.
Once you learn to recognize flashbacks, you can ride the wave of emotion without panicking. Over time, you will begin to notice that they fade away. If flashbacks return, it is most likely a sign that you are tired or weakened from stress.
Feel sorry for yourself, because that’s what you would do to any other person in a similar position. You wouldn’t tell him to put everything out of his head or ask what’s wrong with him. Don’t let your husband or girlfriends judge you — they weren’t in your shoes. Find people who understand that trauma like this takes time to heal.