Have you noticed that you often roll your eyes and are too sarcastic when communicating with a partner? These seemingly implicit signs of disdain are by no means harmless. Showing disrespect to a partner is the most serious harbinger of divorce.
Our gestures are sometimes more eloquent than words and betray the true attitude towards a person against our will. For 40 years now, family psychotherapist John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington (Seattle), and his colleagues have been studying the relationship of partners in marriage. By the way spouses communicate with each other, scientists have learned to predict how long their union will last. About the four main signs of an impending divorce, which John Gottman called the «Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse», we told here.
These signs include constant criticism, withdrawal from a partner, and overly aggressive defense, but they are not as dangerous as expressions of neglect, those non-verbal signals that make it clear that one of the partners considers the other below him. Mocking, swearing, rolling eyes, caustic irony… That is, everything that hits the partner’s self-esteem. According to John Gottman, this is the most serious problem of all four.
How to learn to contain neglect and prevent divorce? Seven recommendations from our experts.
1. Realize that it’s all about the presentation of information
“The problem is not what you say, but how you do it. Your partner senses your contempt by the way you giggle, swear, sneer, roll your eyes and sigh heavily. Such behavior poisons relationships, undermines trust in each other, and leads the marriage to a slow demise. Your goal is to be heard, right? So you need to deliver your message in a way that will be heard and not escalate the conflict.” – Christine Wilke, family therapist in Easton, Pennsylvania.
2. Remove the phrase «I don’t care!» from your vocabulary
By saying such words, you are actually telling your partner that you are not going to listen to him. He understands that everything he talks about does not matter to you. Actually, that’s the last thing we want to hear from a partner, isn’t it? Demonstration of indifference (even indirectly, when contempt is noticeable only in facial expressions and gestures) quickly brings the relationship to an end. – Aaron Anderson, family therapist in Denver, Colorado.
3. Avoid sarcasm and bad jokes
“Avoid ridicule and comments in the spirit of “how I understand you!” or «oh, that was very funny,» said in a caustic tone. Depreciate the partner and offensive jokes about him, including about his gender (“I would say that you are a guy”). – LeMel Firestone-Palerm, Family Therapist.
When you say that your partner is exaggerating or overreacting, it really means that their feelings are not important to you.
4. Don’t live in the past
“Most couples begin to show disrespect for each other when they accumulate a lot of small claims against each other. To avoid mutual neglect, you need to stay in the present all the time and immediately share your feelings with your partner. Are you dissatisfied with something? Say it directly. But also acknowledge the validity of the remarks that the partner makes to you — then in the next dispute you will probably not be so sure that you are right. – Judith and Bob Wright, authors of The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Together Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer, New Harbinger Publications, 2016).
5. Watch your behavior
“You have noticed that you often wave or smirk while listening to your partner, this is a signal that there are problems in the relationship. Find an opportunity to take a break from each other, especially if the situation is heating up, or try to focus on the positive aspects of your life, on what you especially like in a partner. —Chelli Pumphrey, counseling psychologist in Denver, Colorado.
6. Never tell your partner: «You’re exaggerating.»
“When you say that your loved one is exaggerating or overreacting, it really means that their feelings are not important to you. Instead of stopping him with the phrase «you take too much to heart», listen to his point of view. Try to understand what are the reasons for such an acute reaction, because feelings do not arise just like that. — Aaron Anderson.
7. Have you caught yourself being disrespectful? Take a break and take a deep breath
“Set yourself the task of finding out what contempt is, what it is. Then figure out how it manifests itself in your relationship. When you feel the urge to do or say something humiliating, take a deep breath and calmly say to yourself, “Stop.” Or find some other way to stop. Showing disrespect is a bad habit, like smoking or biting your nails. Put in the effort and you can beat it.» — Bonnie Ray Kennan, psychotherapist in Torrance, California.