Each of us has secret thoughts that are not voiced and carefully hidden: envy of our best friend, anger at our parents, the desire to hit a fellow traveler in a cramped subway car. We sometimes hide them even from ourselves. We pretend they don’t exist. But they still leave their mark.
It seems that you can think about something shameful or do it secretly, until no one hears or sees something that you don’t want to admit, and this little thing will not affect life in general. But such thoughts are necessarily manifested in deeds, actions, relationships.
The child closes his eyes with his hands and says: «I’m not here.» He actually believes that he is no longer in the place that he does not see. But his conviction does not affect the perception of others who see him perfectly.
It’s the same with thoughts: even though they can’t be seen, most people read how we treat them and how we perceive ourselves.
All the secret becomes apparent
It is not at all necessary to formulate thoughts into words so that they become noticeable to others. All this is perfectly broadcast to the world both non-verbally: postures, gestures, facial expressions, glances, and verbally: vocabulary, tone, timbre and even pauses between words. «Everything revolves in this universe, returns to us, launching circles on the water.»
Any thought, any doubt, secret action, decision or feeling — all this leaves circles on the water of the unconscious, which diverge wider, touching first those who are nearby, and then those who are a little further away. The more and longer they think in one direction, the wider will be the space they will touch.
Every thought, feeling, and even more so an action, even a secret one, leaves quite tangible traces in the psyche, which manifest themselves in the outside world and are revealed in interaction with others and in their attitude towards you.
Why is this happening? The fact is that people have the illusion that everything they did or thought secretly remains without a witness and, therefore, it is as if this did not happen. That no one saw the offended dog, spoiled someone else’s book. No one heard the words thrown in disgust in passing, did not recognize the envious thoughts.
But there is always a witness. There is always someone who saw, heard, knew. And that person is you. The one who does things for which he is ashamed of himself always knows what he is doing. The one whose thoughts are filled with malice and resentment always knows what he thinks, what he secretly desires and longs for. And the unconscious idea of a person about himself is formed taking into account all this imperceptible, hidden.
Masks won’t help
Everyone knows about himself where he is not completely honest or not brave enough, where he was cowardly, where he was petty and envious. And those who surround us read our self-image as it is, without censorship, and it becomes clear to them, albeit unconsciously, who is next to them.
That is why we divide people into those with whom we want to be, communicate, be friends, learn, laugh, and those with whom we do not want to touch either with our eyes or in social networks, who cause fear and a desire to bypass. We divide people into those who want to trust the most intimate, and those who cannot be trusted with even a trifle.
On those to whom we feel sympathy, and those who cause disgust. Yes, you can be an advanced actor and skillfully wear masks, but don’t flatter yourself. It is impossible to fully get used to the role, one way or another, but the body will give out all those reactions and thoughts that are hidden under the mask. Just a little less harsh, but still noticeable enough for the unconscious of those around you to calibrate it and label it accordingly.
Psychopaths have an impeccable self-image no matter how monstrous they may be.
Surely you know those who are surprised: why do people treat me so badly? Why do they not trust me, because I am such a respectable and respectable citizen? Why don’t they fall in love, because I’m handsome, fit, stylishly dressed and witty? Why are they not hiring, because I have such a cool portfolio?
Secret thoughts, sins that only he knows about, betrayal of himself or others, all this leaves an imprint on a person’s attitude towards himself — and, as a result, on the attitude of those around him. Of course, you can become a narcissistic psychopath and stop feeling shame and guilt for any of your actions. This is a joke, but there is some truth in it.
The internal image of each of us is formed not by thoughts and actions in themselves, but by our attitude towards them, our assessment. If the internal value system allows you to kick a stray dog and this is not considered a bad deed, then the perception of oneself and the internal image will not suffer, it will remain attractive. So, for others, it will also be broadcast as attractive.
It’s a sad thing, but it’s true: shameless, heartless, alien to ordinary human morality, psychopaths are so attractive for this very reason. Their inner image of themselves is impeccable, no matter what monstrous acts they commit.
How to change the inner image of yourself
But light always conquers darkness. There is a way to bring back an attractive internal image of yourself, even if it is already quite spoiled. First of all, you need to accept your shadow. It is very important. It’s necessary. You need to accept your shadow in order not to choke on a sense of shame for who you really are.
So that unbearable pain does not prevent you from facing the truth and seeing the point where you are right now. And having already seen the starting point, it is easier to build a plan for solving the problem. A long chain of causes and effects brings us to this point where each of us is at the moment, and it is from this position that we need to learn to take steps towards the exit — to take new actions, think new thoughts, feel new feelings, make new decisions. Move away from the usual patterns.
It takes a certain effort of will to rebuild and get out of the usual pattern.
No matter how terrible the perfect deed may be, self-flagellation cannot correct it. But you can change your future through new patterns of behavior: outweigh everything old with new, good, worthy, beautiful thoughts and deeds.
With each new form that penetrates the unconscious, new traces appear and new circles are launched that carry your new image to those around you: beautiful, worthy, strong. Not flawless, of course not, there are no ideal ones, but this new image is more beautiful, worthy and stronger than the past.
But this requires a certain effort of will to rebuild and get out of the usual pattern. And sometimes the force of inertia is great and the temptation to turn back to the old rails is great. If there is not enough independent effort, you need to ask for help from relatives or specialists — and continue to change thoughts, words, actions in order to become closer to a new image of yourself.