I live with a friend in a one-room apartment.
We met recently, exactly at the time when she stopped by the apartment, which I previously rented alone. We discussed the main points with her. And as it turned out, she leads almost the same lifestyle: she goes to bed at about 23.00, since she also works. And everything was fine. About a month, probably. Then she began to stay up late more often, citing insomnia. And since the audibility in our apartment and in the house as a whole is simply wonderful, all the slightest nocturnal adventures and movements are heard in the silence of the night. I often wear earplugs. In general, there were several moments when patience burst and I went out and reprimanded her.
Now I try to keep silent, and now I choose a more advantageous position for myself: both in terms of my internal state, calmness, and in general, I think about a more correct decision. I thought about just sitting down at the negotiating table and reminding of the first agreements: not to make noise after 23.00. But now I’m thinking about what I can just forget about this situation, not make an elephant out of a fly and just mirror her behavior (not out of spite, but just be less attentive, as I have always been, to her peace at night). That is, if I want to drink tea at midnight, I can’t sleep, well, make some noise in the kitchen if she is sleeping)) well, in general, for some reason I clung to this action — mirroring — after reading the book by Irina Khakamada ( it has a slightly different context, but still, I think it applies here).
That is, if my remarks do not affect a person, then why don’t I get out of this, one might say, conflict situation, but simply behave in about the same way as she does towards me? What would you recommend?
Consultant’s response
Elena S., student of the University of Practical Psychology
Mirroring is a quite reasonable tactic, but it’s too early to do it right away, the risk of inflating the conflict and stupid noisy quarrels is too great. Later — you can, but do not rush.
Decide on the main thing which way you are going to go: to solve the issue by force, it is faster, but it hurts. Or in a kind way, but it is unpredictably long. Try on what is closer to you (not in general, but in your specific situation) and additionally figure out what will work better for her.
If you want to be kind, then describe what kind of relationship you want and how much time you are willing to pay for it. Of course, nothing is done, everything needs to be created.
If you want to go faster, be prepared to push and push. Will you be ready?
If you can’t decide, write down the pros and cons for each option and think about the future. Write down what you get.
After that, we will discuss the next steps.