Client: My daughter, she is 16 years old. «Need to talk»
Request: “Five of us are friends. Among us is a girl who does not value our friendship. Everyone was offended by her, removed her from friends in contact. How can I make my friends reconcile with her?” Spiritual upliftment, burning eyes. Willingness to talk and make some important decision.
I am clarifying the request: “What does it mean that he does not value friendship? Why do you think you need to reconcile them?»
— She has other friends — a different company. She spends more time with them. He does not keep his word: he tells us that he will go with us, and then he refuses and goes with them. Why do I want to reconcile? She herself asked me, because before I always reconciled her with them, but this time I myself was offended by her, did not reconcile. But I didn’t delete it from Friends in Contact.
Do you think she is worried about this?
Comment. If the consultant wanted to ask if the friend had a real interest or desire to maintain friendship, that is, about the willingness to act, the question would be a good one. The question of feelings is a question into the void.
— Worries, but not very much. She has another company. N. is more worried because he liked her. He was the first to delete her from Contacts.
— How do others feel about it?
Comment. What is the question about and why? You can talk about feelings for a long time. A sensible question would be: is it realistic to reconcile them? What opportunities does the daughter see for this?
“They support him. And immediately after him, they removed her from friends. But I won’t delete anyway. We are still talking to her. If we do not communicate for a long time, then maybe I will delete it.
Well, don’t delete it. How do others feel about it?
— Fine. I think they are waiting for me to reconcile them.
— Do you need it?
Comment. The daughter wanted to do something, she was active, why should the activity be extinguished? Instead of discussing “why do you need this,” it was better to offer a plan for how to reconcile them. Meet a friend, tell her why she was offended, talk about whether she is ready to treat friends more respectfully, and more specifically — if you agreed to meet, then come, do not dynamize your friends … It is better to do and repent than not to do and repent. Better to try and learn than to do nothing and think.
So I didn’t argue with her. I don’t like that she doesn’t keep her word, but she can be friends with anyone. And I’m just not going to rely on her promises and all. If it works out — good, if it doesn’t work out — it’s not necessary.
— If you didn’t swear, N. doesn’t want to put up, she doesn’t take the first step, then why do you need it? Do you really want to reconcile them? Maybe something happened between them that you don’t know about? But you are friends, talk to everyone, find out what they are waiting for, how much it hurts them. If they don’t really want to put up, leave everything as it is — continue to communicate as before, if she wants to take the first step or at least shows some desire in this direction — help her. If not, time will put everything in its place. You can’t raise her, she’s already 16…
— Listen…
Comment. It turned out — emptiness. Enthusiasm faded, life lessons not learned. It is possible and necessary to understand feelings when it is impossible to offer anything at the level of actions. In the meantime, you can focus on actions, talk about deeds, deeds, actions!