My friend, a middle-aged woman, the head of a large enterprise, turned to me for advice. I’ll call her R.P.
R.P.: The chief accountant began to build a dacha, and construction is a costly business, and therefore the accountant constantly needs money. She waits until I’m upset or overworked and comes to my office with a letter of resignation. I start begging her to stay. After a long conversation and an accounting agreement (I’ll work a little more), I raise the accountant’s salary ….
Me: From my own experience, I know that subordinates behave as the leader allows. I will add that they use the methods of struggle that the leadership forces them to use. The usual scheme in many enterprises: subordinates want to earn more, the manager wants to save on wages ….
R.P.: Yes, I agree with you… I don’t want to blame anyone, defend anyone… But I’m tired of it… How long can I have?… Is she manipulating me?…
Comment. Typical stupid question provoked by the hysteria in the media about the terrible manipulation.
Me: Perhaps you yourself provoked such actions of an employee. Have you had any open discussions of problems? Perhaps she was not sure that it was possible to achieve a solution to financial issues in the usual, normal ways ….
Comment. The psychologist agrees that the accountant is manipulating the manager, although there are no grounds for this yet. There is no purpose any more.
R.P .: Yes, we don’t have it, I understand that I have to talk with employees, be interested in their problems … There is no time, there is a lot of work … Well, how to understand if an employee manipulates me or just communicates? …
Me: In order to track such situations in time, you need to figure out what manipulation is and what criteria can be distinguished in order to understand whether an employee is manipulating or just communicating.
R.P.: Yes, I want certainty…
Look, the employee manipulates if he achieves only his goal, and neglects the goals of the manager. He does not hear you, does not understand, and does not want to agree with you …
Comment. Perhaps the psychologist did not finish, but for the leader it sounds like a definition of manipulation. Despite the fact that this definition is incorrect, it is too broad.
R.P.: So, the chief accountant did not consider my goals, because she demanded a salary increase for herself, despite the fact that this was not part of my goals … Manipulating! …
Me: Next, look, an employee manipulates if they use a partner as a means to achieve only their own goals. But in order to disguise their real intentions, a person says one thing and does another. Manipulation is a secret way of communication, the manipulator will never say that he is manipulating, he says something like this: “I do something useful, first of all, not for myself, but for you, for the company.”, “I don’t think about myself, but about you (about the company) «…
R.P.: Oh, she says this all the time… She manipulates!…
Comment. The psychologist reinforces the manager in the wrong vision of the employee.
Me: If a man manipulates, he seeks to cause in his partner a feeling of fear, guilt, depression, insecurity or weakness …
Comment. With this suggestion, the psychologist inspires the manager with a negative attitude towards an important employee for him.
R.P .: Of course, I get scared, because the consequences of the departure of the chief accountant can be the most deplorable …
Comment. The client spoke about feelings. Instead of returning to something reasonable, the psychologist whips up a wave …
Me: Well, with the help of such feelings as fear, guilt, depression, insecurity, or weakness, the person who is being manipulated becomes controlled and does what the manipulator wants ….
R.P.: Well, of course…. And I raise her salary again… Good!… I understand you… We need to monitor situations, recognize manipulations, separate them from simple communication… I have another question… How to protect yourself from manipulation?… How to do it?…
The client formulates a typical question of a negative nature …
Me: Be confident. To strengthen self-confidence, as a leader, you must be internally free, always remember your goals (goals of the company), keep them and never give up on them!…
Comment. In principle, a good installation, but at the end intonation of hostility.
R.P.: Great!…
Me: And you can also use a communication technique to stop the manipulator …
R.P. What technique?
Me: To do this, you need to calmly and openly say what is happening:
«You’re manipulating me!»
“You achieve only your goals, but you don’t consider my goals!”
“You do not take into account the goals of the firm!”
And also to pronounce what you feel at the moment of manipulation:
“I feel embarrassed, you don’t consider me at all!”
You can also say about what exactly the manipulator does and what it achieves:
“You don’t think about the company, but only about yourself!”
Comment. The psychologist broadcasts what she read in some bad psychological literature. This list of accusations-conflictogens will not leave anything and will not protect against anything, and the conflict will definitely provoke.
R.P.: Thank you!.. I understand… See you soon!..
After some time, R.P. called me. The whole conversation came down to the fact that I was to blame for the fact that with a big scandal at the company, the chief accountant was fired …
Comment. Unfortunately, this is largely true: the psychologist, unwittingly, harmed the situation.
After this conversation, we stopped talking, we only say hello when we meet …