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Forced self-isolation turned out to be a difficult test for many families, even those in which harmony and mutual understanding reign. But what about those who find themselves locked in quarantine with a narcissist — for example, their own spouse or long-term partner? Psychotherapist Kristin Hammond explains with a real-life example.
Soon after the wedding, Maria began to realize that her husband was a real narcissist. At first, she took his behavior for infantilism, but after the birth of the child, relations in the family began to heat up. The young father did not have a full-fledged attachment to the baby, because of which he became more and more demanding and selfish. Often it seemed to Mary that her husband and child were competing for her attention.
If she paid more attention to the baby, which is quite natural, especially in the first months after his birth, her husband began to resent, criticize, humiliate and even insult her. There was no help around the house from him, and besides, he practically blocked her access to the family budget and did not forgive the slightest mistake.
With the onset of the coronavirus pandemic, Maria’s husband, like many others, was transferred to home work. The constant presence of his wife «by his side» very quickly began to annoy him, the demands on her grew exponentially: to make him tea or coffee, to surprise him with a new dish for dinner … Maria felt trapped. What can be done in such a situation?
1. Learn to understand the behavior of a narcissist
It is not enough to know the definition of the word «narcissism» — living with such a person, it is important to understand how his psyche works. To do this, you will have to constantly engage in self-education.
Maria had to learn to carve out time between feeds to read articles and listen to podcasts about narcissism. When she began to better understand what was happening, she no longer seemed that she would soon go crazy from her husband’s antics.
2. Don’t expect change
The narcissist is unable to understand that he is the problem (this is one of the main signs of narcissism). He always considers himself better and superior to others. Do not hope that this will change, false hope only creates additional problems.
Maria stopped waiting for her husband to begin to change, and began to actively resist him. For example, she began to constantly cite to him as an example a caring and loving husband of a friend, an exemplary family man and a wonderful father, provoking her husband to rivalry.
3. Don’t lose yourself
Narcissists are able to gradually turn others into similarities of themselves. They are sure that other people will only be better off if they imitate them. In order not to lose yourself under such pressure, it is important to clearly understand what is happening. It’s not easy to resist, but it’s possible.
Maria realized that she had given up almost all her personal characteristics in order to please her husband. She decided to gradually regain all her repressed character traits.
4. Stick to your goals and principles
Narcissists expect everyone around them to guess their desires without words, they constantly demand something and make derogatory comments. To survive in such an atmosphere, you need your own goals, principles and standards, independent of the opinion of the narcissist. Thanks to them, you will be able to maintain a healthy outlook on life and adequate self-esteem, despite the influence of a narcissist.
5. Set Implicit Boundaries
If you try to establish firm personal boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist, he will constantly test them for strength, perceiving them as a challenge. Instead, you can set implicit restrictions, such as: “if he cheats on me, I will leave him” or “I will absolutely not tolerate physical violence.”
Maria achieved the opportunity to take care of the baby throughout the day, promising her husband to cook food once a day, in the evening.
6. Don’t gaslight
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that narcissists are prone to. They ignore reality and describe their fictional version of events, making us doubt ourselves and our perception of reality. To counter this, it is useful to keep a diary.
For example, if a narcissist made a fuss over «ungrateful» relatives during a holiday, you could write about what happened in your diary. In the future, if he begins to claim that these relatives were the first to attack him with insults, you will have documented evidence of real events.
Maria periodically checked her notes, checking herself. This gave her confidence in communicating with her husband.
7. Find someone to support you.
If your husband or wife is a narcissist, it is important that you have the opportunity to discuss your marital problems with someone. This may be a close friend or psychologist, but not a relative. It is also important that he does not maintain contact with your partner. Maria had a friend who was always ready to listen and support her.
Despite the tense atmosphere at the beginning of the forced quarantine, over time, Maria managed to build a rhythm of life that suits her. She noticed that the better she understands the essence of her husband’s narcissism, the less such manifestations of his character complicate her life.
About the author: Kristin Hammond, psychotherapist.