Contents
- How to recognize a parental burnout?
- Are there any risk factors?
- Is the burnout of fathers different from that of mothers?
- Why is the subject so taboo?
- Relieving the guilt of parents, isn’t that taking the risk of clearing their malicious behavior?
- Is there a simple way out of paternal burnout?
- How to react if we think that our spouse is burned out?
- If we do nothing, will the burnout go away on its own?
How to recognize a parental burnout?
There are three easy to recognize symptoms. First of all, exhaustion, centered on parental life. Just the thought of having to spend a whole day with the children, the parent has no more energy. It is not a lack of sleep but a feeling of fed up, saturation. The physical fatigue caused by these ruminations can then appear. Next, emotional distancing. The burn-out parent works on automatic pilot, he takes care of the child but no longer invests in the relationship. This absence of sharing, of emotions makes it possible in a way to “protect” oneself from the relationship which has become too stressful. Then there is loss of pleasure. The parent was very invested, had a strong will to do well, the dream of building a family and today, his behavior contrasts with this ideal.
Are there any risk factors?
Yes, and it is the accumulation of these factors that can lead to burnout. Perfectionism, conflicts in the couple on educational values or the sharing of tasks, an education that I call “inconsistent” (that is to say that the limits are not clearly set and that the children constantly challenge the rules), but also external factors such as too cramped accommodation, professional concerns, health problems with the child or the parent …
Is the burnout of fathers different from that of mothers?
The nature of the syndrome, the internal logic of the disorder, the taboo it represents, the risks of developing these symptoms are the same in men and women. However, if we look at the figures on average, more women are affected because parenthood is still a typically feminine social role.
It still exists a noticeable difference between a father and a mother in burnout. The risk of neglect and violence (verbal and physical) is greater in men. This is explained by the ability of women to resist maternal burnout. These, by the social role expected of them (tenderness, warmth, gentleness) feel so threatened in their identity thatthey inhibit their negative feelings to the maximum. They often wait to commit an act that scares them (word or gesture) to dare to consult.
Testimony: Jérôme, 38, father of two boys (Louis, 6 and Noé, 3)
“I have been in the gas industry for six years”
“Stéphanie and I have been a couple since we were 20 years old. We always wanted to have children even if Stéphanie said that she did not have “the maternal instinct”. She was counting on me to play the “daddy hen”. Before becoming parents, we never quarreled. This is not really the case now …
Since Louis was born, I don’t really recognize Stéphanie anymore. During the first months with the baby, she was often on edge. Of course we were tired from the hatched nights. We didn’t expect it to be that hard, a baby. I was a little distraught when I saw her get angry with the little one for trifles. We more or less recognized postnatal depression, but we let it go without seeking outside help.
I decided to take care of Louis a lot, after the nursery and on Wednesdays. I worked less, I set up on my own to work from home. Stéphanie resumed her career with a bang. She comes home late, she has a lot of stress in her job. She keeps asking me to take things in hand, the house, the holidays. She is very perfectionist with storage, for example.
But I am tired, exhausted most of the time. I don’t have the energy to do what I want in the way of projects. And the more effort it takes from me, the less I want to do. It’s a vicious circle. We have little moments of respite during the holidays, some weekends, the grandparents help us. But I can’t really find a balance.
When we started to get by, we decided to welcome Noah. He’s an easier child, but now you have to deal with each other’s problems, periods of opposition and bedwetting. We are happy to have these two little ones, of course. We love them. But I find it so hard.
I don’t know how the others are doing. Boys never want to go to bed on time. They constantly call us back at night for trifles. And I’m not recovering when I need sleep. Result I do not work effectively. By resuming sport, I found a little energy, but the nights are still too often cut out. I do not know when the situation will improve, as soon as I get a good sleep, I think I have passed the course but the nocturnal awakenings resume, and I can not concentrate on my work / my projects. “
Why is the subject so taboo?
Parents in burnout were first of all parents in search of perfection. The company weighs a lot of pressure on the job of parents, the methods to be applied, the precepts of positive parenting… Admitting to those close to them that we no longer support our children, that everyday life horrifies us, that we would like to change our lives, then turns out to be a very difficult process. This is why it is important to relieve the guilt of parents who feel at the end of the line.
Relieving the guilt of parents, isn’t that taking the risk of clearing their malicious behavior?
Yes ! All excesses are bad! The idea is not to make parental exhaustion a subject of humor and to trivialize it but to make it a topic of discussion. Knowing that other parents, a fortiori other fathers, encounter difficulties with their children (even less) allows you to step back, to come out of isolation, to start working on yourself. We always think that everything is working for others when it is not … There is a difference between a Facebook profile and the reality of everyday life …
Is there a simple way out of paternal burnout?
The balance exercise works very well. It is a question of listing on the one hand his “stressors” (conflicting meals, difficulties in doing homework, unhappiness in professional life, etc.) and on the other “his resources” (leisure activities, support from those around him, vacation..). If there are more stressors than resources, there is a risk of burnout. Must therefore either reduce stressors (for example, stop cooking organic vegetables at all meals because it takes time) either have more resources (eg take the help of a gardener to save time). In short, agree to let go in certain areas (is it so serious after all?) And to ask for help around you (why not delegate certain missions to the grandparents after all?).
How to react if we think that our spouse is burned out?
Either we also feel burnt out and we can decide to consult a therapist together. It can work very well. Either we no longer recognize the other who becomes irritable and this causes a lot of conflict in the couple. I recommend then to do everything to free the word of those who are in difficulty. You have to get him to talk about his feelings because there is a form of resistance not to confide in this subject. To do this, nothing better than sharing of experiences. Express oneself the difficulties that we encounter with children to gradually normalize the feelings of the other and allow him to confide. And maybe put him slowly on the way to a consultation.
If we do nothing, will the burnout go away on its own?
We don’t have enough hindsight to know it, but what is certain is that burnout can last for several months or even years if it is not supported. Sometimes it seems “dormant”, during the children’s holidays with grandparents, for example, but it comes back all the more at the start of the school year… It cannot become a fact that we accept. Unlike professional burnout, you cannot resign from your job as a parent …
To find out more about Isabelle Roskam’s research: www.burnoutparental.com