How to give him his place of father?

Fusion mother: how to involve the dad?

When their baby is born, many young mothers monopolize their little one. For their part, dads, who are afraid of doing wrong or who feel excluded, do not always find their place in this new trio. The psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre gives us some keys to reassure them and let them fully fulfill their role of father …

During pregnancy, the future mother lives in symbiosis with her child. How to involve the dad, even before the birth?

For the past XNUMX years or so, it has been recommended that dads talk to the baby in the mother’s womb. A large part of psychologists believe that the child is sensitive to it, that he recognizes his daddy’s voice. It is also a way of reminding the mother-to-be that a baby has to be two. She must realize that this child is not her property, but an individual with two parents. When the mother takes exams, it is also important that the father can sometimes accompany her. If not, she should remember to call him to tell him how the ultrasound or analysis went, without it becoming excessive. Indeed, there is no question of making a fusion transfer from the baby to the future dad. Another essential point: the father must be involved without pushing him to have the same place as the mother. If he does or wants to do everything like the mother-to-be, he could lose his identity as a father. Moreover, I do not understand this tendency consisting in installing the dad “in position” of birth attendant, as close as possible to the midwives during childbirth. Of course, it is important that he is present, but we must keep in mind that it is the mother who gives birth to the child, and not the father. There is a dad, a mom, and everyone has their own identity, their role, that’s how it is …

The father is often encouraged to cut the umbilical cord. Is this a symbolic way of giving him his role as a third party separator and encouraging him in his first steps as a father?

This can indeed be a first step. If it is an important symbol for the parents, or for the father, he can do it, but it is not essential. If he does not prefer, he should in no case be forced to do so.

Often, for fear of being clumsy, some men do not get involved in the care of the newborn. How to reassure them?

Even if it is not him who changes the diaper or gives the bath, his presence is already very important, because the toddler is in interaction with both parents. Indeed, he sees his father and mother, recognizes their scent. If the young dad is afraid of being clumsy, the mother must above all not prevent him from taking care of the child but guide him. Bottle-feeding, talking to your baby, changing diapers, will allow dad to bond with his little one.

When mothers live in fusion with their babies, especially those who are fond of mothering, it is even more difficult for the dad to have confidence in him or to invest himself …

The more we establish a fusional relationship, the more difficult it is to get rid of it. In this kind of relationship, the dad is sometimes even considered an “intruder”: the mother cannot separate from her child, prefers to do everything herself. It monopolizes the child, while it is important to push the dads to intervene, to participate, at least, to be present. It is true that we are seeing a real fashion for mothering. But I am against long-term breastfeeding, for example. Breastfeeding until the baby is three months old and then opting for mixed breastfeeding can already prepare for the mother-baby separation. And the moment a child has teeth and walks, he doesn’t have to suck anymore. This creates an enjoyment between mother and child that has no place. In addition, giving it another feed allows the dad to participate. The father also has the right to share these moments with his little one. It is indeed important to learn to separate from your child, and especially to remember that he has two parents, each bringing his vision of the world to the baby.