Once upon a time, you burned with desire and simply would not believe that the day would come when you would rather lie with a book than have sex with your beloved partner. Researchers say the decline in women’s sexual desire is becoming epidemic. Do we need female Viagra or should we just look at the problem from the other side?
Ekaterina is 42, her partner Artem is 45, they have been together for six years. She always considered herself a passionate nature, she had casual relationships, and other lovers, except for Artem. In the early years, their sex life was very intense, but now, Ekaterina admits, «it’s like a switch has been turned.»
They still love each other, but between sex and a relaxing evening bath with a good book, she will choose the latter without hesitation. “Artyom is a little offended by this, but I feel so tired that I want to cry,” she says.
Psychologist Dr. Laurie Mintz, professor of psychology at the University of Florida, in The Path to Passionate Sex for a Tired Woman, lists five steps to help reawaken desire: thoughts, conversation, time, touch, dating.
The most important, according to her, the first — «thoughts.» If we take responsibility for our own pleasure, we can come up with a way out of the sexual impasse.
Psychologies: A legitimate question is why is the book only for women? Don’t men have problems with sexual desire?
Lori Mintz: I think it’s a matter of biology. Women have less testosterone than men, and it is also responsible for the intensity of desire. When a person is tired or depressed, less testosterone is produced, and this affects women more. In addition, they are much more prone to the so-called «erotic plasticity»: external stresses affect women more often.
Do our expectations also play a role? That is, women simply convince themselves that they are no longer interested in sex? Or are they less interested in him than men?
Many are afraid to admit how important sex really is. Another myth is that sex should be something simple and natural, and we should always be ready for it. Because when you’re young, that’s how it feels. And if simplicity disappears with age, we believe that sex is no longer important.
You need sex. This is not a bargaining chip for transactions with a partner. May it bring joy
Of course, this is not water or food, you can live without it. But you are giving up a huge amount of emotional and physical pleasure.
Another popular theory is that many women overwork themselves by denying their partner sex. So they punish him for not helping around the house.
Yes, it happens often — women who are angry at men for their idleness. They can be understood. But if you use sex as a punishment or reward, you can forget that it should bring pleasure. You need sex. This is not a bargaining chip for transactions with a partner. May it bring joy. We need to remind ourselves of this.
Where to start?
Focus on desire. Think about him both during the day and during sex. Have daily «sex five minutes»: take a break from your activities and remember the best sex you had. For example, how you experienced a mind-blowing orgasm or made love in an unusual place. You can imagine some particularly exciting fantasy. At the same time, do Kegel exercises: tighten and relax the vaginal muscles.
Are there any stereotypes that prevent you from enjoying sex?
Many people think that with age nothing should change in their sex life. In fact, over the years, you need to re-learn your sexuality, understand how it relates to your current lifestyle. Perhaps the desire will come not before, but already during sex.
So you justify «sex on duty»? Could this really be a solution to the desire problem?
It’s about relationship. If a woman knows that desire often comes after a conscious decision to have sex, it seems normal to her. She will not think that something is wrong with her, but will just enjoy sex. Then it is no longer a duty, but entertainment. But if you think: “So, today is Wednesday, we cross out sex, I can finally get enough sleep,” this is a duty.
The main idea of your book is that a woman can control her desire herself. But isn’t her partner involved in this process?
Often, the partner stops initiating sex if he sees that the woman is losing desire. Just because he doesn’t want to be rejected. But if a woman becomes the initiator herself, this is a big breakthrough. Anticipation and planning can be very exciting when you stop making sex a chore.