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Everyone seems to have learned by now that violence is bad. It injures the child, which means that other methods of education must be used. True, it is still not very clear which ones. After all, parents are forced to do something against the will of the child. Is this considered violence? Here is what psychotherapist Vera Vasilkova thinks about this.
When a woman imagines herself a mother, she draws pictures for herself in the spirit of Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) — smiles, cute heels. And prepares to be kind, caring, patient and accepting.
But along with the baby, another mother suddenly appears, sometimes she feels disappointed or offended, sometimes aggressive. No matter how much you want, it is impossible to always be nice and kind. From the outside, some of her actions may seem traumatic, and an outsider often concludes that she is a bad mother. But even the most «evil» mother has a positive effect on the child.
Like the kindest «mother-fairy» sometimes acts destructively, even if she never breaks down and does not scream. Her suffocating kindness can hurt.
Is education also violence?
Let’s imagine a family in which physical punishment is not used, and parents are so magical that they never vent their fatigue on children. Even in this version, power is often used in education. For example, parents in various ways force the child to act according to certain rules and teach them to do something as is customary in their family, and not otherwise.
Is this considered violence? According to the definition offered by the World Health Organization, violence is any use of physical force or power, the result of which is bodily injury, death, psychological trauma or developmental disabilities.
It is impossible to predict the potential injury of any use of power.
But it is impossible to predict the potential trauma of any exercise of power. Sometimes parents also have to use physical force — to quickly and rudely grab a child who has run out onto the roadway, or to carry out medical procedures.
It turns out that education is generally not complete without violence. So it’s not always bad? So, is it necessary?
What kind of violence hurts?
One of the tasks of education is to form in the child the concept of frames and boundaries. Corporal punishment is traumatic because it is a gross violation of the physical boundaries of the child himself and is not just violence, but abuse.
Russia is at a turning point now: new information collides with cultural norms and history. On the one hand, studies are published on the dangers of physical punishment and that developmental disabilities are one of the consequences of the “classic belt”.
Some parents are sure that physical punishment is the only working method of education.
On the other hand, the tradition: «I was punished, and I grew up.» Some parents are completely sure that this is the only working method of upbringing: “The son knows very well that for some offenses a belt shines for him, he agrees and considers this fair.”
Believe me, such a son simply has no other choice. And there will definitely be consequences. When he grows up, he will almost certainly be sure that physical violation of boundaries is justified, and will not be afraid to apply it to other people.
How to move from the culture of the «belt» to new methods of education? What is needed is not juvenile justice, which even those parents who blow dust off their children are afraid of. Our society is not yet ready for such laws, we need education, training and psychological assistance for families.
Words can hurt too
Coercion to action through verbal humiliation, pressure and threats is the same violence, but emotional. Calling names, insults, ridicule is also cruel treatment.
How not to cross the line? It is necessary to clearly separate the concepts of rule and threat.
The rules are thought out in advance and should be related to the age of the child. At the time of the misconduct, the mother already knows which rule has been violated and what sanction will follow from her side. And it is important — she teaches this rule to the child.
For example, you need to put away toys before going to bed. If this does not happen, everything that has not been removed is transferred to an inaccessible place. Threats or “blackmail” is an emotional outburst of impotence: “If you don’t take away the toys right now, I don’t even know what! I won’t let you visit on the weekend!”
Random crashes and fatal errors
Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes. With children, this will not work — parents constantly interact with them. So, mistakes are inevitable.
Even the most patient mother can raise her voice or slap her child in their hearts. These episodes can be learned to live non-traumatically. Trust lost in occasional emotional outbursts can be restored. For example, to be honest: “Sorry, I shouldn’t have spanked you. I couldn’t help myself, I’m sorry.» The child understands that they did wrong to him, but they apologized to him, as if they compensated for the damage.
Any interaction can be adjusted and learn to control random breakdowns
Any interaction can be adjusted and learn to control random breakdowns. To do this, remember three basic principles:
1. There is no magic wand, change takes time.
2. As long as the parent changes their responses, relapses and spankings may recur. You need to accept this destructiveness in yourself and forgive yourself for mistakes. The biggest breakdowns are the result of trying to do everything 100% right at once, to stay on willpower and once and for all forbid yourself to “do bad things”.
3. Resources are needed for changes; changing in a state of complete exhaustion and fatigue is inefficient.
Violence is a topic where there are often no simple and unambiguous answers, and each family needs to find its own harmony in the educational process in order not to use cruel methods.