Family therapists say that one short phrase can eliminate mutual resentment and turn a quarrel into a constructive discussion. What is this phrase and how can it help in the midst of a conflict with a partner?
«Don’t forget we’re on the same side»
For ten years of marriage, journalist Ashley Innes has long been accustomed to talking in raised tones. From time to time the same thing was repeated: disputes arose due to the fact that both spouses worked hard, while experiencing considerable stress, and they had neither time nor energy for the family.
“For the last time, a conversation about further career prospects ended in a dispute. We once again had disagreements about how work affects us and children, how much time we get to spend with the family, who is responsible for what household chores. At some point, I realized that we were yelling at each other and throwing mutual accusations, ”recalls Innes. But then she used her «secret weapon» — a phrase that allows you to end any quarrel.
“I told my husband, ‘Don’t forget that we are on the same side. Having uttered these words, we immediately remember that the person in front of us is not our enemy and we have no reason to quarrel with him. And instead of exchanging insults, we begin to listen to each other, look for compromises and solutions to problems, ”she is sure.
Marriage is a team sport
Many family therapists agree with Innes, who also argue that the quickest way to de-escalate a discussion is to say the simple phrase «we’re on the same side» or «we’re on the same team.»
If it is not abused (yet, if you repeat these words several times a day, they will quickly cease to have an effect), this phrase can turn any conflict into a constructive dialogue on how to solve the problem. In the midst of an argument, when you are ready to literally grab each other by the throat, they help you remember that marriage is a “team sport” and the surest way to lose is to try to “beat” each other.
“By saying ‘we are on the same team’, you are making it clear that although you don’t like the current situation and the differences it has caused, you still want to be together and appreciate the relationship. This helps both to stop being defensive and start solving the problem, ”explains psychologist Marie Land.
Even better, this technique becomes more effective over time.
If you know that in the past the words “we are on the same side” helped to calm down and start thinking more rationally, then when you hear them again, immediately remember how you managed to come to a compromise and mutual understanding in the past.
“The One Team Technique works because it captures important features of emotional discussions such as arguments and fights,” says family therapist Jennifer Chappel Marsh. Our dialogue during the dispute takes place at two levels: the topic of the conversation (what we argue about) and the process of conversation itself (how we argue). “Very often, an ordinary conversation turns into a quarrel precisely because of the way it is conducted,” explains the psychologist.
A conversation that is conducted from the position of «me against you» does not bode well from the very beginning. You may be able to win the argument by forcing the partner to agree, but this means that you have forgotten about your true goal: the real enemy is a problem that has arisen in a relationship, and it must be solved together, together, as a team.
“By saying a prearranged phrase like “we are on the same team,” we admit that we have succumbed to emotions and stop trying to “beat” a partner,” Chappel Marsh is sure.
Win or Reconcile?
The solution is so simple that it makes you think: why do we even strive to win the argument? Is it really difficult to remember from the very beginning that we are on the same side with a partner?
“Sometimes our need to be heard, appreciated, paid attention to us turns out to be more important than the common interests of the couple. On an instinctive level, winning an argument is taken as proof that we are being taken seriously. It gives a sense of security,” explains Jennifer Chappel Marsh.
On the other hand, losing an argument with a partner can cause fear, disappointment, and a sense of defeat. You lose confidence and feel threatened, which triggers an automatic fight-or-flight response. To prevent this, you desperately «fight», trying to «win». “So many people behave aggressively instead of cooperating with a partner,” says the therapist.
These instinctive reactions can make it difficult for us to truly accept the idea of “one team.”
Coach and marital psychologist Trey Morgan has been married for 31 years. He has been using this technique for a long time and vouches for its effectiveness. However, initially it was not easy for him to accept this concept.
“When my wife and I argued, each of us wanted to be right. And, to be completely honest, I wanted the other to be wrong. It wasn’t until a few years later that we realized that we were «playing» for the same team. We finally realized that we win and lose only together, ”recalls Morgan. After this realization, their relationship with his wife improved dramatically. “When you really embrace this idea, it effectively helps to calm down.”
How to conduct a dialogue after the «magic words» are spoken? “Try asking your partner questions that will help you better understand their point of view. For example: “What is most important for you here?”, “What upsets you?”. This is more productive than voicing your own position again, ”advises family therapist Winifred Reilly.
Once you start thinking along the lines of «we are one team,» try to apply it to your day-to-day interactions with your partner. “It is always good to remember that when one of you wins and the other loses, you are both actually losing. Even if you managed to get what you want now, it will be much better for the relationship in the long run if you can find compromise solutions that take into account the wishes of both, ”Summarizes Winifred Reilly.