“Dad is getting married”, “mom now has a friend” … A lot depends on whether the child makes friends with the new chosen ones of the parents. How to choose the time to meet and hold the meeting as competently as possible? Family therapist Lea Liz provides detailed answers to these and other questions.
The divorce is over, which means that sooner or later, most likely, a new relationship will begin. Many parents are concerned about the question: how to introduce a new partner to the child. How to make your son or daughter accept him?
Psychiatrist and family therapist Lea Liz has compiled a list of common questions that clients ask her in these situations:
- Should I call my new partner “my friend” or “my girlfriend”?
- When is it appropriate to introduce him or her to children?
- Do I need to say that this is my new relationship, which may not work out?
- Should we wait for a new connection to stand the test of time if we have been dating for several months and everything is serious?
If a parent, even if no longer living with a child, is actively involved in his upbringing, it will not be easy to hide the fact that he has someone. However, there are risks in bringing another adult into children’s lives. It can be useful for a child to expand their horizons and see role models outside of family relationships, but it is still important to consider that a new acquaintance can lead to the development of attachment, which means that a possible separation from a new partner will affect not only us, but also children.
Instead of being angry at his father for the new relationship, Barry got angry at his mother and began to beat her.
Liz gives an example from her own practice. Eight-year-old boy Barry suddenly found out that his father had a girlfriend. On the evening before the weekend, which he was supposed to spend with his dad, he called and said that there would be a «nice lady» in the house with them. Barry’s parents didn’t live together, but they talked about getting back together. Sometimes they spent evenings together at dinner and games, and the boy enjoyed them heartily.
The child was very upset when he learned that another woman appeared in his father’s life. “She now sits in my favorite chair. She’s cute, but not like her mother.» When Barry told his mother about his father’s new girlfriend, she was furious. She had no idea that her romantic relationship with her husband was over and he was dating someone else.
There was a fight between the parents, and Barry became a witness to it. Later, instead of being angry with his father for the new relationship, Barry became angry with his mother and started hitting her. He himself could not explain why his anger was directed at his mother if his father was to blame for the conflict. At the same time, she was able to feel like a victim twice — first because of the betrayal of her ex-husband, and then because of the aggression of her son.
Simple rules
Liz’s recommendations can help divorced parents in the difficult situation of introducing a child to a new partner.
1. Make sure the relationship is long enough and stablebefore adding the child to your equation. Do not rush to talk about what is happening until you are sure that he is right for you, endowed with common sense and ready to take on a parental role at least to some extent.
2. Respect boundaries. If the child asks a direct question, such as if you are having sex with someone, you can answer: “This topic concerns only me. I am an adult and I have the right to privacy.»
3. Don’t make your child your confidant. The biggest problem psychotherapist Lea Liz faces is role reversal. If the parent starts asking the child about what to wear on a date, or shares how it went, the child is in the role of an adult. This not only undermines the authority of the mother or father, but can also confuse the child.
4. Do not assign him the role of a messenger. Diana Adams, a family lawyer, argues that the situation when children pass messages from father to mother or vice versa complicates things in a divorce.
Having another parent other shape is generally even good
5. Do not sleep in the same bed with children. This interferes with the closeness of the parents, and their healthy sex life, which affects mood and psychological comfort, ultimately benefits the children themselves. If the child is used to sleeping in the bed of mom or dad, the appearance of a new partner will cause a lot of negative emotions.
6. Introduce your child to a new partner gradually and on neutral territory. Ideally, meetings should be based on joint activities. Plan a shared fun activity like ice skating or visiting the zoo. Set a time frame for the meeting so that the child has time to digest the impressions.
7. Give him a sense of control over the situation. If the meetings take place at home, it is important not to disturb the usual routine and allow the son or daughter to take part in the communication. For example, a new partner may ask the children where to sit or ask about their favorite activities.
8. Do not arrange an acquaintance during a crisis or emotional upheaval. It is important that the child is not traumatized, otherwise the meeting may harm him in the long run.
“Having another parental other figure is, in general, even good,” sums up Lea Liz. “Following simple guidelines will help your child more easily accept change.”
About the author: Lea Liz is a psychiatrist and family therapist.