We usually think of children as a source of hassle and additional burden, and not as real helpers. It seems to us that introducing them to household chores requires so much effort that it’s better not to. In fact, we, through our own negligence, are losing excellent partners in them. Psychologist Peter Gray explains how to fix it.
We think that the only way to get children to help us is by force. In order for a child to clean the room, wash the dishes or hang wet clothes to dry, he will have to be forced, alternating between bribery and threats, which we would not like. Where do you get these thoughts from? Obviously, from their own ideas about work as something that you don’t want to do. We transmit this view to our children, and they to their children.
But research shows that very young children naturally want to help. And if they are allowed to, they will continue to do so well into adulthood. Here is some evidence.
The instinct to help
In a classic study conducted more than 35 years ago, psychologist Harriet Reingold observed how children aged 18, 24, and 30 months interacted with their parents when they were doing normal housework: folding laundry, dusting, sweeping the floor, clearing dishes from the table, or objects scattered on the floor.
Under the condition of the experiment, the parents worked relatively slowly and allowed the child to help if he wanted, but did not ask for it; not taught, not instructed what to do. As a result, all the children — 80 people — voluntarily helped their parents. Moreover, some started this or that task before the adults themselves. According to Reingold, the kids worked «with energy, enthusiasm, animated facial expressions and were delighted when they completed the tasks.»
Many other studies confirm this seemingly universal desire for toddlers to help. In almost every case, the child comes to the aid of an adult himself, on his own initiative, without waiting for a request. All a parent needs to do is simply draw the child’s attention to the fact that he is trying to do something. By the way, children show themselves as genuine altruists — they do not act for the sake of some kind of reward.
Children who are free to choose their activities contribute the most to family well-being
Researchers Felix Warnecken and Michael Tomasello (2008) even found that rewards (such as being able to play with an attractive toy) reduce follow-up care. Only 53% of children who were rewarded for their participation helped adults later, compared to 89% of children who were not encouraged at all. These results suggest that children have intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivations to help—that is, they help because they want to be helpful, not because they expect to get something in return.
Many other experiments have confirmed that reward undermines intrinsic motivation. Apparently, it changes our attitude towards an activity that previously gave us pleasure in itself, but now we do it in the first place in order to receive a reward. This happens in both adults and children.
What prevents us from involving children in household chores just like that? All parents understand the reason for such erroneous behavior. First, we turn down children who want to help out of haste. We are always in a hurry somewhere and believe that the participation of the child will slow down the whole process or he will do it wrong, not well enough and we will have to redo everything. Secondly, when we really need to attract him, we offer some kind of deal, a reward for this.
In the first case, we tell him that he is not able to help, and in the second we broadcast a harmful idea: helping is what a person will do only if he receives something in return.
Little helpers grow into great altruists
In studying indigenous communities, researchers have found that parents in these communities respond positively to their children’s desires to help and willingly allow them to do so, even when «help» slows down their pace of life. But by the time children are 5-6 years old, they become truly effective and voluntary helpers. The word «partner» is even more appropriate here, because children behave as if they are responsible for family affairs to the same extent as their parents.
To illustrate, here are comments from mothers of 6-8 year old indigenous children in Guadalajara, Mexico, who describe their children’s activities: «There are days when she comes home and says, ‘Mom, I’m going to help you do everything.’ And voluntarily cleans the whole house. Or like this: “Mom, you came home very tired, let’s clean up together. He turns on the radio and says: «You do one thing, and I will do another.» I sweep the kitchen and she cleans the room.”
“At home, everyone knows what they need to do, and without waiting for my reminders, the daughter tells me: “Mom, I just got back from school, I want to go visit my grandmother, but before I leave, I will finish my work” . She finishes and then leaves.» In general, mothers from indigenous communities described their children as capable, independent, enterprising partners. Their children, for the most part, planned their day themselves, deciding when they would work, play, do homework, visit relatives and friends.
These studies show that children who are free to choose activities and are less «ruled» by their parents contribute the most to family well-being.
Tips for Parents
Do you want your child to become a responsible family member just like you? Then you have to do the following:
- Accept that day-to-day family chores are not only your responsibility and you are not the only person responsible for doing them. And that means that you must partially give up control over what and how is done at home. If you want everything to be exactly the way you want it, you will either have to do it yourself or hire someone.
- Assume that your toddler’s efforts to help are sincere, and if you take the time to get him to take the initiative, your son or daughter will eventually gain experience.
- Do not demand help, do not bargain, do not stimulate with gifts, do not control, as this undermines the child’s intrinsic motivation to help. Your satisfied and grateful smile and a sincere «thank you» is all that is required. This is what the child wants, just like you want it from him. In a way, this is how he strengthens his bond with you.
- Realize that this is a very auspicious path of development. By helping you, the child gains valuable skills and a sense of self-respect as his authority expands, and a sense of belonging to his family, to whose well-being he is also able to contribute. By allowing him to help you, you do not suppress his innate altruism, but feed him.