“Salvation from all insults is in oblivion”, “Wash the received insult not in blood, but in Summer”, “Never remember former insults” — the ancients said. Why do we so rarely follow their advice and carry them in our hearts for weeks, months, and even years? Maybe because it’s nice to feed them, groom and cherish them? Old grudges can cause significant damage to physical and mental health, which means that you need to find a way to get rid of them, writes Tim Herrera.
One of my favorite things to do at parties is to ask guests a simple question: “What is your oldest, cherished grudge?” What have I not heard in response! My interlocutors are usually specific. One was undeservedly not promoted at work, the other cannot forget an unceremonious remark. The third is to experience the fact that the old friendship has become obsolete. No matter how insignificant the occasion may seem, resentment can live in the heart for years.
I remember a friend sharing a story in response to a question. He was in the second grade, and a classmate — my friend still remembers his name and what he looked like — laughed at the glasses my friend started wearing. It’s not that this kid said something absolutely terrible, but my friend cannot forget that incident.
Our resentments are like a Tamagotchi in our emotional pocket: they need to be fed from time to time. In my opinion, the character Reese Witherspoon expressed it best of all in the TV series Big Little Lies: “And I love my grievances. They are like little pets to me.» But what do these grievances give us and what will we get if we finally say goodbye to them?
I recently asked Twitter users if they had ever forgiven old grudges and how they felt as a result. Here are some answers.
- “When I turned thirty, I decided it was time to forget about the past. I arranged a general cleaning in my head — so much space was freed up!
- “It’s not that I felt anything special… It was nice that nothing bothered me anymore, but there wasn’t any particular sense of relief.”
- “I also somehow forgave the offense … after I took revenge on the offender!”
- “Of course, there was relief, but along with it — and something like devastation. It turned out that it was so pleasant to cherish grievances.
- “I felt free. It turns out that I have been in the grip of resentment for so many years … «
- “Forgiveness turned out to be one of the most valuable lessons in my life!”
- “I suddenly felt like a real adult. I admitted that once upon a time, when I was offended, my feelings were quite appropriate, but a lot of time has passed, I have grown, become wiser and ready to say goodbye to them. I literally physically felt lighter! I know it sounds like a cliché, but that’s how it was.»
Yes, indeed, it seems like a cliché, but it is supported by scientific evidence. Back in 2006, Stanford scientists published the results of a study stating that, “mastering the skills of forgiveness, you can cope with anger, reduce stress levels and psychosomatic manifestations.” Forgiving is good for our immune and cardiovascular systems.
A study from this year, 2019, reports that those who, right up to old age, experience anger over something that happened a long time ago are more prone to chronic diseases. Another report says that anger prevents us from seeing the situation through the other person’s eyes.
When we cannot mourn and let go of what happened, we experience bitterness, and this affects our spiritual and mental state. Here is what forgiveness researcher Dr. Frederic Laskin says about this: “When we realize that there is nothing we can do but continue to hold on to old resentment and carry anger in ourselves, this weakens our immune system and can contribute to the development of depression. Anger is the most devastating emotion for our cardiovascular system.”
Stop talking and thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstance
But full forgiveness, according to the scientist, can reduce the negative consequences that long-term resentment and pent-up anger have on us.
Okay, with the fact that getting rid of resentment is good and useful, we figured it out. But how exactly to do it? Dr. Laskin states that complete forgiveness can be divided into four steps. But before doing them, it is important to understand a few important things:
- You need forgiveness, not the offender.
- The best time to forgive is now.
- Forgiveness does not mean accepting that no harm has been done to you, or becoming friends with the person again. It means to free yourself.
So, in order to forgive, you first need to calm down — right now. Taking a deep breath, meditating, running, whatever. This is to distance yourself from what happened and not react immediately and impulsively.
Second, stop talking and thinking of yourself as a victim of circumstance. For this, of course, you will have to make an effort. The last two steps go hand in hand. Think about the good things in your life — what you can use to counterbalance the harm done to you — and remind yourself of a simple truth: not everything in life and not always turns out the way we want. This will help reduce the overall level of stress you are currently experiencing.
To master the art of forgiveness, to stop being stuck in resentment for many years is quite real, reminds Dr. Laskin. It just takes regular practice.
Author — Tim Herrera, journalist, editor.