Love gives us an unprecedented spiritual uplift and envelops the world with a fabulous haze, excites the imagination – and allows you to feel the mighty pulsation of life. To be loved is a condition of survival. Because love is not just a feeling. It is also a biological need, say psychotherapist Tatyana Gorbolskaya and family psychologist Alexander Chernikov.
It is obvious that the child cannot survive without the love and care of the parents and in turn responds to it with ardent affection. But what about adults?
Oddly enough, for a long time (until about the 1980s) it was believed that, ideally, an adult is self-sufficient. And those who wanted to be caressed, consoled and listened to were called “codependents.” But attitudes have changed.
Effective addiction
“Imagine a closed, gloomy person next to you,” suggests emotionally focused psychotherapist Tatyana Gorbolskaya, “and you are unlikely to want to smile. Now imagine that you have found a soul mate, with whom you feel good, who understands you … A completely different mood, right? In adulthood, we need intimacy with another just as much as we did in childhood!”
In the 1950s, English psychoanalyst John Bowlby developed attachment theory based on observations of children. Later, other psychologists developed his ideas, finding out that adults also have a need for attachment. Love is in our genes, and not because we have to reproduce: it is just possible without love.
But it is necessary for survival. When we are loved, we feel safer, we cope better with failures and reinforce the algorithms of achievements. John Bowlby spoke of “effective addiction”: the ability to seek and accept emotional support. Love can also restore integrity to us.
Knowing that a loved one will respond to a call for help, we feel calmer and more confident.
“Children often give up part of themselves in order to please their parents,” explains Alexander Chernikov, a systemic family psychologist, “forbid themselves to complain if a parent appreciates resilience, or become dependent so that the parent feels needed. As adults, we choose as partners someone who will help us regain this lost part. For example, accepting your vulnerability or becoming more self-reliant.”
Close relationships literally improve health. Singles are more likely to have hypertension and have blood pressure levels that double their risk of heart attacks and strokes1.
But bad relationships are just as bad as not having them. Husbands who do not feel the love of their spouses are prone to angina pectoris. Unloved wives are more likely to suffer from hypertension than happily married ones. When a loved one is not interested in us, we perceive this as a threat to survival.
Are you with me?
Quarrels happen in those couples where partners are keenly interested in each other, and in those where mutual interest has already faded. Here and there, a quarrel generates a sense of disunity and a fear of loss. But there is also a difference! “Those who are confident in the strength of relationships are easily restored,” emphasizes Tatyana Gorbolskaya. “But those who doubt the strength of the connection quickly fall into a panic.”
The fear of being abandoned makes us react in one of two ways. The first is to sharply approach the partner, cling to him or attack (shout, demand, “blaze with fire”) in order to get an immediate response, confirmation that the connection is still alive. The second is to move away from your partner, withdraw into yourself and freeze, disconnect from your feelings in order to suffer less. Both of these methods only exacerbate the conflict.
But most often you want your loved one to return peace to us, assuring us of his love, hugging, saying something pleasant. But how many dare to hug a fire-breathing dragon or an ice statue? “That’s why, at trainings for couples, psychologists help partners learn to express themselves differently and respond not to behavior, but to what stands behind it: a deep need for intimacy,” says Tatyana Gorbolskaya. This is not the easiest task, but the game is worth the candle!
Having learned to understand each other, partners build a strong bond that can withstand both external and internal threats. If our question (sometimes not spoken out loud) to a partner is “Are you with me?” – always gets the answer “yes”, it is easier for us to talk about our desires, fears, hopes. Knowing that a loved one will respond to a call for help, we feel calmer and more confident.
My best gift
“We often quarreled, and my husband said he couldn’t stand it when I scream. And he would like me to give him five minutes of time-out in case of disagreement, at his request,” says 36-year-old Tamara about her experience in family therapy. – I scream? I felt like I never raised my voice! But still, I decided to try.
About a week later, during a conversation that did not even seem too intense to me, my husband said that he would be out for a while. At first, I wanted to habitually be indignant, but I remembered my promise.
He left, and I felt an attack of horror. It seemed to me that he left me for good. I wanted to run after him, but I restrained myself. Five minutes later he returned and said that he was now ready to listen to me. Tamara calls “cosmic relief” the feeling that gripped her at that moment.
“What a partner asks for may seem strange, stupid or impossible,” notes Alexander Chernikov. “But if we, albeit reluctantly, do this, then we not only help another, but also return the lost part of ourselves. However, this action should be a gift: it is impossible to agree on an exchange, because the childish part of our personality does not accept contractual relationships.2.
Couples therapy aims to help everyone know what their love language is and what their partner has.
A gift does not mean that the partner should guess everything himself. This means that he comes to meet us voluntarily, of his own free will, in other words, out of love for us.
Oddly enough, many adults are afraid to talk about what they need. The reasons are different: fear of rejection, the desire to match the image of a hero who does not have needs (which can be perceived as a weakness), or simply his own ignorance about them.
“Psychotherapy for couples sets one of the tasks to help everyone find out what their love language is and what their partner has, because this may not be the same,” says Tatyana Gorbolskaya. – And then everyone still has to learn to speak the language of another, and this is also not always easy.
I had two in therapy: she has a strong hunger for physical contact, and he is overfed with maternal affection and avoids any touch outside of sex. The main thing here is patience and readiness to meet each other halfway.” Do not criticize and demand, but ask and notice successes.
change and change
Romantic relationships are a combination of secure attachment and sexuality. After all, sensual intimacy is characterized by risk and openness, impossible in superficial connections. Partners connected by strong and reliable relationships are more sensitive and responsive to each other’s needs for care.
“We intuitively choose as our companions the one who guesses our sore spots. He can make it even more painful, or he can heal him, just like we do, – Tatyana Gorbolskaya notes. Everything depends on sensitivity and trust. Not every attachment is safe from the start. But it can be created if the partners have such an intention.”
In order to build lasting close relationships, we must be able to recognize our innermost needs and desires. And transform them into messages that the beloved can understand and be able to respond to. What if everything is fine?
“We change every day, just like a partner,” notes Alexander Chernikov, “so relations are also in constant development. Relationships are a continuous co-creation.” to which everyone contributes.
We need loved ones
Without communication with them, emotional and physical health suffers, especially in childhood and old age. The term “hospitalism”, which was introduced by the American psychoanalyst Rene Spitz in the 1940s, denotes mental and physical retardation in children not due to organic lesions, but as a result of a lack of communication. Hospitalism is also observed in adults – with a long stay in hospitals, especially in old age. There is data1 that after hospitalization in the elderly, memory deteriorates faster and thinking is disturbed than before this event.
1 Wilson R. S. et al. Cognitive decline after hospitalization in a community population of older persons. Neurology journal, 2012. March 21.
1 Based on a study by Louise Hawkley of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. This and the rest of this chapter is taken from Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight (Mann, Ivanov, and Ferber, 2018).
2 Harville Hendrix, How to Get the Love You Want (Kron-Press, 1999).