5 Keys to Defeat the Enemy Within

1. End the “if I knew…”

When we arrange a failure for ourselves, having already almost achieved success, this is self-sabotage. And it has nothing to do with incompetence or failure. Behind repeated misses lies a special type of behavior that needs to be investigated. Common traps include unrealistic advice and fruitless regrets. By trying to revisit history from a “if I could, if I knew” attitude, we give ourselves the impression that we are learning from the past, when in reality we are just chewing on the troubles. This habit undermines the spirit and makes it difficult to comprehend the event.

It is much more useful to write down everything that we have under-rotated, overestimated or underestimated. Only a clear assessment of the situation will make it possible to draw conclusions useful for the future. Another trap that is better not to fall into is magical thinking, which makes us (in an attempt to relieve ourselves of responsibility) hope for “maybe”, wear amulets, believe in an inevitable fate …

2. Don’t believe in guilt

You can be as afraid of success as you are of failure. For fear of offending parents, lover, friends, we can unconsciously choose to fade into the background, refuse to shine, so as not to be “better than others.” Psychoanalysts call this behavior “failure neurosis.” In this case, neurosis is not a consequence but a cause of failure: we choose conditions that prevent us from succeeding, because we feel neurotic guilt at the thought of possible success. It is generated by our unconscious: it satisfies a deep desire (I want my parents to continue to love me, so I cannot become an artist, because it would be unpleasant for them!) to the detriment of a conscious desire (I want to become an artist).

To detect this phenomenon, notice in yourself a sense of awkwardness, your ambivalence regarding the goal that you have outlined. Then ask yourself: why does this awkwardness appear when I think about the goal I want? Imagine the consequences of success (I will get what I really want) and failure (possible separation from the family, which I do not want). Then listen to your innermost desires: what do you want to get for yourself?

Such a study is difficult to conduct alone, so you can seek the help of a specialist. It will also help release fears and guilt, unravel conflicts, and stop a repetitive pattern.

3. Get out of procrastination

Procrastination is when we constantly put off the moment of transition to action, and also when we miss opportunities. It also derealizes the goal we have set for ourselves. Over time, the goal becomes a kind of plaything for the mind, creating a buffer between us and reality (“one day I will write a novel”), and preventing us from truly investing in what we are doing (“I am saving my strength for a novel”).

The only way to get out of procrastination is to understand what fears are hidden behind it and force yourself to set exact dates for action. And then turn to relatives who are ready to support and, at our request, will “incite” to fulfill the plan. Measures to be taken in case of difficulties should be envisaged. And for procrastinators, the tactic of small steps works great (when a difficult task is laid out into simpler tasks).

4. Be flexible

Excessive steadfastness and intransigence with reference to expert opinions or objective circumstances do us a disservice. This behavior is often counterproductive. The one who takes a dominant, confident and closed position sends a negative message about himself to the interlocutor (authoritarianism, lack of empathy, excess of self-confidence). With equal competencies, we prefer to deal with someone who does not speak to us from a position of power and is able to hear opinions that differ from his own. To be flexible means to be able to understand many judgments, to make additions to one’s proposal, to admit one’s mistakes, to adapt theoretical propositions to reality. These qualities are more likely to lead to success than unreasonable perseverance.

To train flexibility, it is useful to put aside self-righteousness (even if there is every reason for it); accept someone else’s opinion as a possible hypothesis; admit that we can be wrong (and admit it out loud); take into account that the interlocutor may belong to a different culture than ourselves; and remember that the world as a whole is ambiguous and non-linear. And also to show emotional and intellectual empathy, trying to understand the point of view of another.

5. Be kind to yourself

Being kind to yourself is not at all the same as complacency or self-justification. It’s about looking at yourself and your actions the way you would look at your best friend’s actions. That is, openly, with understanding and a wish for well-being. Compassion and lack of judgment in our address do not interfere with understanding ourselves, seeing both strengths and weaknesses, but rather help, because we do all this without fear.

Every time we prepare to judge ourselves, evaluate resources and competencies, set goals, it is useful to turn to our inner friend. What will he advise me? What should be feared? Where to draw energy from? Ask precise questions and wait for concrete answers so that the passion is balanced by a clear analysis of the situation.

This article is based on research published in Psychology Today. Their authors are psychologists Lisa Firestone, Andrea Bonyor, Ellen Hendriksen.