Contents
We are all afraid of something, and this is completely natural. But sometimes fear gets out of control and gains absolute power over us. Dealing with such an opponent is very difficult, but psychologist Ellen Hendricksen is sure that if you use special techniques, he will leave forever.
Fighting fears is not an easy task, and yet there are ways to solve it. Four methods will help you look the enemy in the face and win a crushing victory over him.
1. Scroll through the movie
We all play terrible scenarios in our minds from time to time. Someone is afraid of the camera and is tormented in advance that it will look ridiculous on the video, and then it will get on the Web and hundreds of mocking comments will appear under it. Someone is afraid of conflicts and imagines how unsuccessfully he tries to stand up for himself, and then sobs from impotence.
As creepy as a fictional «horror movie» may seem, don’t hit pause at the climax. On the contrary, scroll it until relief comes. What if that shameful video gets lost in the bowels of the Internet, or maybe something better happens: you become the new YouTube star and outshine all competitors. Perhaps your timid arguments will finally be heard and a normal conversation will take place.
Whatever terrible shots flashed in the imagination, it is important to bring the plot to a happy denouement. So you prepare yourself for the worst case, which, by the way, is hardly possible.
2. Show willpower
Agree, shaking with fear all the time is somewhat tiring. When you get tired of enduring these torments, gather your will into a fist. Take a deep breath and get up on stage, get on a plane, ask for a raise — do what you’re afraid of despite trembling knees. Readiness for action relieves fear: it is stupid to be afraid when you have already decided on an act, which means you need to move forward. And you know what? It is worth doing once — and you begin to believe that you can.
3. Write down and prove otherwise
This advice is especially useful for those who keep a diary. First, write down everything you are afraid of. «I’m wasting my life», «No one cares about me», «Everyone thinks I’m a loser.» The brain often releases derogatory remarks to us: do not think about them, just put them on paper.
After a few days, go back to your notes and reread what you wrote. Over time, some fears will seem overly melodramatic. Or maybe it will become clear that this or that attitude is not yours: it was imposed by a toxic partner, an abusive father, or a caustic acquaintance. These are other people’s opinions with which you somehow agreed.
Accumulate counterarguments to put forward against fear when it rears its head again
Now write down your fears. It may not be easy to formulate them, but go on anyway. Think about what your most dedicated fan would say. Call on your inner lawyer to help you line up the defense. Gather all the evidence, even if it seems inconclusive. Go through the list and rewrite it clean. Accumulate counterarguments to put forward against fear when it rears its head again.
If you cannot overcome unreasonable fears or do not find weighty objections, trust the therapist and show him these notes. A specialist will help you rethink them, and you are guaranteed to realize that fears are not as strong as they seemed at first.
4. Break fear into small pieces
Do not hurry. Overcoming fear means starting small. Set a tiny goal that will definitely not lead to failure. If you’re socially terrified but still have to go to a company party, plan to ask a colleague how she spent her vacation, a new employee if they like the job, or just smile at three people and say hello.
If deep down you know that you can’t do it, then the goal is not so small. Reduce the number of interlocutors to two or to one. When the familiar sensation of spasm in the stomach begins to subside — all is well, go for it!
Changes are not immediately noticeable. Only looking back, you will understand how much you have gone
After you reach the first goal, praise yourself and set the next one, a little more. In this way, you will gradually turn off the alarmed part of the brain that screams: “Stop! Dangerous zone!» You may never dare to dance on a table, and that’s okay. Conquering fear is not about changing your personality. This is necessary so that you feel light and free, while remaining yourself. Over time and with practice, the brain itself will learn to turn off disturbing thoughts.
Attention! Facing fears, especially at first, is quite unpleasant. Even a slight fear is difficult to overcome. But little by little, step by step, fears will give way to confidence.
What is most interesting, the changes are immediately imperceptible. Only looking back, you realize how much you have come. One day you will be surprised to find that, without thinking, you do everything that you were afraid of.
About the Author: Ellen Hendricksen, Anxiety Psychologist, Author of How to Calm Your Inner Critic and Overcome Social Fear.