We didn’t agree on the characters: how to resolve conflicts

In any family or team, there are clashes of characters. Psychotherapist Stephanie Gentile often hears about such conflicts from clients. Whether they are familiar with the concepts of introversion and extraversion, or Myers-Briggs personality types, people are acutely aware when others do not meet their needs.

This can lead to feelings of frustration and disunity. But connecting with others is absolutely essential to our well-being, even if we are introverts. Stephanie Gentile communicates with many people who believe that their relationship can no longer be restored. In particular, introverts often feel like their needs are not being met and their voice is not being heard.

The therapist cites her own family as an example, in which she, her sister, and her parents belong to completely different personality types. “In fact, the only thing that unites us is the love of solitude. Otherwise, our approaches to life are too different, and clashes are inevitable. You can imagine the conflicts and frustrations our differences have caused over the years.»

Relationships with people are complex, in them you have to remain yourself and at the same time grow … towards each other. Using examples from her own experience, Stephanie offers six steps for introverted clients to resolve interpersonal conflicts.

1. Determine what you need in a relationship

Sometimes we ask ourselves: “Where to start?” First of all, it is worth determining what we need in a relationship. This can be a difficult task because many of us have been taught to meet the needs of others while ignoring our own. But if we do not feel our needs, our connection with other people will be limited or not at all.

Previously, I struggled with this myself, isolated myself from loved ones, believing that they did not understand me. It was an incredibly painful time in my life. And, although we still have moments of misunderstanding, now I know better what I need in a relationship.

Determining my own needs allows me to easily communicate with friends, colleagues or loved ones who do not share my personal preferences. I cannot guarantee that someone will meet my needs, but now I understand the reasons for the conflict of interest.

2. Ask questions

The steps outlined here may seem simplistic, but they are also sometimes difficult for many of us «quiet» individuals. I, as a person who avoids conflicts, nevertheless learned to ask questions, although this can be difficult. By asking questions, we help ourselves and the loved one to sort out the situation that led to the clash and feeling of separation.

In addition, it helps both of us to present ourselves to each other as we are. For example, a friend makes passive-aggressive comments about our need for privacy. We feel that we are not understood and angry — in response we are offended, and this can lead to conflict.

Instead, you can ask the question: “How do you feel when I show that I need to be alone?” So we take care of the partner’s emotions, not forgetting our needs. This promotes mutual understanding and provides an opportunity for dialogue in which both could find a healthy compromise.

3. Ask for feedback

A trend has emerged in society: someone defiantly declares himself and his personality type and expects others to please him. But in communicating with others, it is important to remember that in a sense, «personality» is just a term, the name of a set of skills that we learned in childhood to meet our needs.

When we ask others for feedback, we ask them to tell us how they perceive us. It can be difficult and painful, so it’s important to remember to take care of yourself while doing it. For example, you might ask, “I want to understand what it means to be my friend/husband/colleague. What feelings do you have around me? Do you feel my love, care, acceptance?

It is important to emphasize that feedback should be sought only from reliable loved ones. And at work, from a colleague or manager who showed us warmth and compassion. What they say can be hard to hear. But for us, this is a great opportunity to understand how we interact with the world and ultimately resolve conflicts.

4. Determine what character traits protect you

It is worth asking what type of personality we have, getting to know our strengths. Instead of saying, “I am like this, and that’s why I can’t…can’t cope…” and so on, we can practice phrases like, “I tend to act in a way that makes me feel important, needed, valued, or protective.” from feelings of vulnerability, shame. This is important because it will help you to identify and understand what is happening inside during clashes with other personalities.

5. Accept the fact that you can’t change others.

Everyone, of course, heard that people do not change. As someone who has been trying to change and save others for over two decades, I can attest that this is true. Trying to do this will lead you to a sense of inner chaos. It may be helpful to think back to times when, as children, we felt that our parents were trying to force us into the image they had formed. Or when a partner could not come to terms with our behavior or beliefs.

What did we feel then? Such memories will allow us to accept others for who they are. You can also practice self-compassion. Remind yourself how hard it is to make positive, lasting change in your life. So we will begin to treat other people’s shortcomings with understanding. It won’t happen overnight, but this practice can lead to greater acceptance.

6. Set healthy boundaries

There is a lot of talk about boundaries, but not about how to set them. Why are healthy boundaries so important? They allow you to feel more compassion for others. By holding our boundaries, we decide, for example, not to engage in toxic conversations or unhealthy relationships. This is closely related to our willingness to accept others for who they are, and not as we would like them to be.

These steps will help you set healthy boundaries. Stephanie Gentile emphasizes that these recommendations are not given as a universal recipe for resolving any interpersonal conflicts. For example, there are unhealthy relationships from which you have to leave. If the boundaries with your loved one are set but constantly violated, it may be time to let them know that a relationship is not possible.

“These steps are the result of my personal experience,” writes Gentile. — Until now, sometimes I feel disappointed in communicating with loved ones. But understanding the difference between our personality traits brings me relief. Now I know why they react to me in a certain way, and I don’t get hung up on conflict situations.”

This is a difficult job, which at first may even seem useless. But in the end, it’s a gift for yourself. Each of us deserves a true, deep connection with others, as well as having our own needs met. A better understanding of ourselves and our nature can help build the kind of relationships we need.