To build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it is worth figuring out whether we sincerely love a person or simply feel sorry for him. This will benefit both, the psychotherapist Irina Belousova is sure.
We rarely think about pity for a partner. Usually we just don’t recognize this feeling. First, we feel sorry for the partner for several years, then we notice that something is going wrong. And only after that we ask ourselves the question: “Is this love at all?” We begin to guess about something, look for information on the Web and, if we’re lucky, we go to a psychologist. Only after this, serious mental work begins, which will help to take an honest look at how we relate to a loved one, as well as to discover the factors and prerequisites that led to this.
What is love?
Love implies the ability and desire to give and receive. A real exchange is possible only when we perceive a partner as equal to ourselves and at the same time accept him as he is, and not “modified” with the help of his own imagination.
In a relationship of equal partners, it is normal to show compassion, sympathy. Helping through difficulties is an important part of a healthy relationship, but there is a fine line between wanting to help and being in complete control of the other. It is this control that is evidence that we rather do not love, but pity our partner.
Such a manifestation of pity is possible only in parent-child relationships: then the pitying person takes responsibility for resolving the difficulties of the other, not taking into account the efforts that the partner makes to find a way out of the difficult situation. But relationships, especially sexual ones, “break down” when partners begin to play inappropriate roles — in particular, the roles of a child and a parent.
What is pity?
Pity for a partner is repressed aggression that appears because we do not recognize anxiety among our own emotions. Thanks to her, her own idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat is happening is built in her head, and it often bears little resemblance to reality.
For example, one of the partners does not cope with his life tasks, and the second partner, who pities him, constructs an ideal image of a loved one in his head. The one who regrets does not recognize in the other a strong person, capable of withstanding difficulties, but at the same time he is afraid of losing contact with him. At this moment, he begins to indulge a weak partner.
A woman who pities her husband has many illusions that help her maintain and maintain the image of a good person. She rejoices at the very fact of marriage — her husband, perhaps not the best, «but mine.» As if her sense of herself as a sexy woman, positively accepted by society, depends only on him. Only her husband needs her as a pitying «mom». And she wants to believe that she is a woman. And these are different roles, different positions.
It is also beneficial for a married man who regrets his spouse to play the role of a parent for his insolvent partner. She is a victim (of life, others), and he is a rescuer. He pities her, protects her from various hardships and feeds his ego in this way. The picture of what is happening again turns out to be distorted: he is convinced that he takes the role of a strong man, but in fact he is not even a “daddy”, but … a mother. After all, it is mothers who usually wipe their tears, sympathize, press them to their chests and close themselves from the hostile world.
Who lives inside of me?
We all have an inner child who needs pity. This child cannot cope on his own and is desperately looking for an adult, someone who is able to take care of everything. The only question is in what situations we bring this version of ourselves onto the stage of life, giving it free rein. Isn’t this «game» becoming a style of our life?
This role also has positive qualities. It provides resources for creativity and play, gives the opportunity to feel unconditionally loved, to experience the lightness of being. But she does not have the emotional resource to solve problems and take responsibility for her life.
It is our adult, responsible part that decides whether to exchange our own life for the pity of others or not to do so.
At the same time, everyone has a version that was once manifested to solve problems that arose. In a difficult situation, reliance on her will be more constructive than on the one in need of pity. The key difference between these versions is that one will always take responsibility for making a decision, while the other will not stand it and distort our reality, demanding to decide everything for her.
But can these roles be reversed? Get hugs, bringing the children’s part to the forefront, stop in time and say to yourself: “That’s it, I have enough warmth from my relatives, now I’ll go and solve my problems myself”?
If we decide to give up responsibility, we lose both power and freedom. We turn into a child, taking the position of the victim. What do children have besides toys? Just addiction and no adult benefits. However, the decision on whether to live in exchange for pity or not is made only by us and our adult part.
Now, understanding the difference between true love and a feeling of pity, we definitely will not mistake one for the other. And if we nevertheless understand that the roles in our relationship with a partner are initially built incorrectly or get confused over time, the best thing we can do is go to a specialist. He will help you figure it all out, turning the work of discovering your true relationship with your partner into a unique process of learning.