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When a daughter becomes a mother, it helps her to look at her own mother with different eyes, to understand her better and to re-evaluate her relationship with her in some way. Only here it is not always and not for everyone it turns out. What hinders mutual understanding?
“When my first child was born, I forgave my mother everything,” admits 32-year-old Zhanna, who at the age of 18 practically fled from her hometown to Moscow from her excessive control and diktat. Such recognition is not uncommon. Although the opposite happens: the appearance of a child worsens relations, exacerbates the resentment and claims of the daughter to the mother, and becomes a new stumbling block in their endless confrontation. What is it connected with?
“The transformation of an adult daughter into a mother awakens in her all the memory of childhood, all the emotions associated with the first years of life and with her own growing up, the actions and reactions of the mother,” says psychologist Terry Apter. — And those conflict zones, those anxieties and ambiguities that arose in their relationship, are inevitably indicated in relations with the child. Without awareness of these issues, we run the risk of repeating the same style of maternal behavior that we would like to avoid with our children.”
The remembered reactions of parents, which we can control in a calm state, easily break out in a stressful situation. And in motherhood there are plenty of such situations. For example, a child who refuses to eat soup may cause an unexpected outburst of rage in the mother, because she met a similar reaction in childhood from her mother.
Sometimes an adult daughter becomes a mother, but still behaves like a demanding child.
“In the mother’s generation, it’s generally not customary to praise, make compliments, and it’s hard to wait for words of approval from her,” says 40-year-old Karina. “She apparently still thinks I’m arrogant. And I have always missed that. Therefore, I prefer to praise my daughter for the most trifling achievements.
Women often admit that their mothers never really listened to them. “As soon as I started to explain something, she interrupted me and expressed her opinion,” Zhanna recalls. “And now when one of the children shouts: “You are not listening to me!”, I immediately feel guilty and really try to listen and understand.”
Establish an adult relationship
“To understand your mother, to rethink her style of behavior is especially difficult for an adult daughter who had a disturbed type of attachment in her early years — her mother was cruel or cold with her, left her for a long time or pushed her away,” explains psychotherapist Tatyana Potemkina. Or, on the contrary, her mother overprotected her, did not allow her daughter to show independence, often criticized and devalued her actions. In these cases, their emotional connection remains at the level of parent-child relations for many years.
It happens that an adult daughter becomes a mother, but still behaves like a demanding child and is not able to take responsibility for her life. She makes claims that are typical for a teenager. She believes that the mother is obliged to help her take care of the child. Or it continues to be emotionally dependent on her — on her opinion, look, decision.
Whether the birth of a child pushes the process of completing the separation or not depends very much on how the young woman feels about her motherhood. If she accepts it, treats it with joy, if she feels the support of her partner, then it is easier for her to understand her mother and establish a more adult relationship with her.
Experience complex feelings
Motherhood can be perceived as a difficult job, or it can be quite easy. But whatever it may be, all women face extremely conflicting feelings towards their children — with tenderness and anger, the desire to protect and hurt, the willingness to sacrifice themselves and show selfishness …
“When an adult daughter encounters this range of feelings, she gains an experience that unites her with her own mother, and gets a chance to understand her better,” notes Terry Apter. And even forgive her for some mistakes. After all, she also hopes that her own children will someday forgive her. And the skills that a woman who raises a child masters — the ability to negotiate, share her emotional needs and desires of her son (daughter), establish attachment — she is quite capable of applying to relationships with her own mother. It may take a long time before a woman realizes that in some ways her mother inevitably repeats. And that it’s not the worst thing that could happen to her identity.»
What to do?
Recommendations of psychotherapist Tatyana Potemkina
“Talk to your mom about her own motherhood. Ask: “How was it for you? How did you decide to have a baby? How did you and your dad decide how many children to have? How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant? What difficulties did you overcome in the first year of my life? Ask about her childhood, how her mother raised her.
This does not mean that the mother will share everything. But the daughter will better understand the image of motherhood that exists in the family, and the difficulties that women in her family traditionally face. Talking about each other, about overcoming problems is very close.
Negotiate help. Your mother is not you, and she has her own life. You can only negotiate about her support, but you can’t expect her participation without fail. Therefore, it is important to get together with the whole family and discuss the prospects even before the birth of the child: who will care for and sit with him at night, what are the material resources in the family, how to organize free time for the young mother. So you will avoid deceived expectations and deep disappointments. And feel that your family is a team.”