I don’t like gifts

“Gifts make me anxious,” says Maria, 47, a decorator. I like making them, but not getting them. Surprises scare me, other people’s views confuse me, and this whole situation as a whole throws me off balance. Especially when there are a lot of gifts. I just don’t know how to react to it.»

Perhaps too much meaning has been invested in the gift. “He always carries some messages, conscious or not,” says psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum, “and these messages can upset us. There are at least three meanings here: “to give” is also “receive” and “return”. But the art of gift giving is not for everyone.

I don’t feel my value

Those who find it difficult to accept gifts often find it equally difficult to accept compliments, favors, glances. “The ability to accept a gift requires high self-esteem and some trust in the other,” explains psychotherapist Corine Dollon. “And it depends on what we got before. For example, how did we get breasts or pacifiers as babies? How were we taken care of when we were children? How were we valued in the family and at school?”

If we have received «too» a lot, then the gifts will be received more or less calmly. If we received a little or nothing at all, then there is a shortage, and gifts only emphasize its scale. “We like gifts as much as they calm us down and help us feel that we exist,” says psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle. But if this is not our case, then we like gifts much less.

I don’t trust myself

“The problem with gifts is that they disarm the recipient,” continues Sylvie Tenenbaum. We may feel indebted to our benefactor. A gift is a potential threat. Can we return something of equal value? What is our image in the eyes of another? Does he want to bribe us? We do not trust the giver. As well as yourself.

“To accept a gift is to reveal yourself,” says Corine Dollon. “And self-disclosure is a synonym for danger for those who are not used to expressing their feelings, whether it be joy or regret.” And after all, we have been told many times: you never know that you didn’t like the gift! You can’t show disappointment. Say thank you! Separated from our feelings, we lose our own voice and freeze in confusion.

For me, the gift does not make sense

According to Virginie Meggle, we do not like the gifts themselves, but what they have become in the era of universal consumption. A gift as a sign of mutual disposition and willingness to participate simply does not exist anymore. “Children sort through packages under the tree, we have the right to “gifts” in the supermarket, and if we don’t like the trinkets, we can resell them later. The gift has lost its function, it no longer makes sense,” she says.

So why do we need such gifts that are not related to «to be», but only to «sell» and «buy»?

What to do?

Carry out semantic unloading

We load the act of giving with many symbolic meanings, but perhaps we should take it simpler: give gifts for pleasure, and not to please, get gratitude, look good or follow social rituals.

When choosing a gift, try to follow the preferences of the recipient, not your own.

Start with a gift to yourself

The two actions of giving and receiving are closely related. Try giving yourself something to start with. A nice trinket, an evening in a pleasant place … And accept this gift with a smile.

And when you accept gifts from others, try not to judge their intentions. If the gift is not to your liking, consider it a situational error, and not the result of inattention to you personally.

Try to return the gift to its original meaning: it is an exchange, an expression of affection. Let it cease to be a commodity and become a sign of your connection with another person again. After all, dislike for gifts does not mean dislike for people.

Instead of gifting items, you can give loved ones your time and attention. Dine together, go to the opening of an exhibition or just to the cinema…