How to save a relationship after cheating?

Change cuts the ground from under your feet. If you’ve lost trust and don’t feel close, you have every right to leave. But when you do decide to keep the relationship, you take responsibility for your choice. Demonstrating rejection to your partner and not leaving him in doubt that he is a traitor is the worst thing you can do. Try, without denying your feelings, to start moving towards each other. These 11 steps will help you along the way.

Forget everything you’ve read or heard about cheating.

It is important to get rid of the response scenario that can be imposed on you from the outside: films, articles, statistics, advice from friends. Each situation is always unique, and it depends only on you and your partner whether you will be able to cope with this test.

Don’t blame your partner for everything

If you want to get out of the impasse as a close-knit and loving couple, you need to share responsibility for what happened. A natural question arises — how is it, because it was not I who committed the betrayal and put our relationship in jeopardy. I am a victim of this act. However, any infidelity is almost always the result of what happens to your relationship. And that means you also indirectly play a role in this.

Don’t make your partner a lifelong debtor

You want him to pay for the pain he caused. It is as if you are receiving an indulgence to demand anything from your partner from now on, and often unconsciously triumph in your superiority. How long will it take for your partner to atone? Year? Two years? For life? Such a position will not cure the relationship, but it will turn you into an eternal victim, manipulating your position.

Don’t answer the same

Reciprocal betrayal can bring relief only in fantasies, in reality, not only will it not relieve pain, but it will also aggravate the feeling of bitterness and emptiness.

Don’t tell everyone around

It is perfectly natural to share with a loved one or discuss what happened with a psychologist. But it is not necessary to expand the circle of initiates. If at first you feel relieved that you have the opportunity to speak out, then in the future, numerous advice from outside will only annoy. Even if you meet sincere support and empathy, it will be difficult from a large number of witnesses.

Do not spy

If you have lost trust, this does not give you the right to check someone else’s mail and phone. If you fail to restore confidence in your partner, then such checks are pointless and painful.

Chat with a partner

You may need time and your own space to process your feelings. But only by communicating with a partner — even if at first it will only happen in the presence of a therapist to whom you both turned — there is a chance to find a common language again.

Talk about what your union lacked

If a partner does not cheat on you all the time, you are most likely not dealing with the peculiarities of his personality, but with problems that have long accumulated. This may be the lack of tenderness and attention that a loved one expects from you, insufficient recognition of his physical attractiveness and significance in your life. Finding out about this is painful, because it means that you have not invested enough in the relationship. Perhaps you avoided intimacy because your needs were not understood.

Don’t Treat Cheating as a Personal Offense

What happened directly affects your life, but it is unlikely that the partner wanted to hurt you. Accusation seems attractive to your ego, but it will not help restore relationships.

Separate feelings for a person from feelings for an act that he did

If you still love your partner, but the pain and resentment take over and do not allow you to make a step forward, try talking about it with someone from the outside. It is best if it is a psychologist, but a close friend can also help. The only important thing is that he was able to listen to you while maintaining objectivity.

Don’t pretend like nothing happened

Constant painful memories kill relationships. But attempts to completely erase what happened from memory do not make it possible to understand what happened. And open the way for a new possible betrayal.