How easy is it to get over a divorce?

My client Stephanie called to ask for an urgent consultation. “I can’t take it anymore! she exclaimed. “I had such a difficult marriage. But divorce makes me suffer even more!”

During the session, I asked Stephanie to give an example of when John’s «almost ex» husband’s behavior made her feel overwhelmed.

“I went to his place to collect my things. And I didn’t find my jewelry, which I always had in the top drawer of the chest of drawers. I asked him where they might be. And he didn’t even answer, he just shrugged his shoulders, they say, how would he know!

I asked her how she felt at that moment.

“He is punishing me. It was like that the whole time we were married. He always punished me.” Suffering sounded in her voice.

This answer was the key to understanding the situation. To test my hypothesis, I asked Stephanie to recall another similar episode.

“It was the same when I asked where the album with my childhood photos, which my mother gave me. And he answered with irritation: “How do I know?”

And what was her reaction to John’s words?

“He always makes me feel inferior, like I’m always doing everything wrong,” she complained. “So I reacted as usual. Again I felt so crushed that, having arrived at my new apartment, I fell into bed and lay exhausted all day!”

Why were both life with her husband and the divorce process so painful for Stephanie?

Marriage is always a challenge. Divorce process too. And, as a rule, what complicates life in marriage makes divorce painful.

Let me explain what I mean. Of course, divorce is, in principle, a painful thing that can be compared to an amputation operation — we cut off from ourselves relationships that used to mean a lot to us. We have to rebuild our whole life. And in this situation it is impossible, at least occasionally, not to experience bouts of anxiety, sadness or anger.

But at the same time, the patterns of behavior that we have formed in this difficult marriage further exacerbate our feelings, increase anxiety and depression.

It depends on many factors, such as your answers to questions like:

How supportive are other family members?

— Is there something inspiring in your life, something that allows you not to go in cycles in divorce?

— Are you and your “almost former” partner ready for cooperation or confrontation?

— How much selfishness and greed are inherent in you or him?

Fantasy vs reality

But back to Stephanie’s example. What exactly made her relationship with her husband so painful and what prevents her from coping with the divorce procedure today? These are two factors that I often encounter in my clinical practice.

The first is the misinterpretation of another person’s behavior with the help of previously formed patterns, and the second is personalization.

Misinterpretation due to old thought patterns means that behind the words of one person we hear the voice of someone else — the one who once made us suffer.

Personalization means that we attribute the actions and actions of another person to our own account and perceive it as a negative message to us or about us. In some cases, this is true, but more often than not, understanding the behavior of another person requires a wider context.

Stephanie sees her «almost ex» husband’s unfriendly behavior as a desire to punish her. The childish part of her personality reacts to John’s words in the same way that at the age of 8 she reacted to her abusive father when he punished her.

In addition, it seems to her that it is she who annoys John. Behind these fantasies, Stephanie loses sight of the real situation. John is most likely deeply saddened that his wife decided to leave him, and it is these feelings that can provoke his irritation.

In the second episode, the annoyance in John’s voice for Stephanie means that he devalues ​​her. But if you delve deeper, you can understand that she hears the contemptuous voice of her older brother, who in childhood showed her his superiority in every possible way.

And if we return to reality, we will see that John, on the contrary, takes a defensive position. It seems to him that he is not able to do anything to make his wife happy.

Explaining her vision of the situation, Stephanie repeatedly used the expression «he made me feel …». These words are a very important signal. He suggests that:

a) the speaker is likely to interpret what he hears through the prism of past experience: what would these words mean in relation to someone else;

b) there is an element of personalization in the interpretation, that is, a person tends to attribute everything to his own account.

How to get rid of these unproductive thinking habits?

The most general advice is to reflect on what the other person’s hurtful words and actions say about himself, and not about you. John responded to Stephanie irritably because he was depressed and upset. His phrase «How do I know?» reflects his state of loss. But it’s not just about divorce.

After all, even in family life, John had no idea what his wife expected of him. He did not understand her claims, but he never questioned her, did not try to find out what she wanted. He withdrew into his anxious feelings, which quickly escalated into anger that masked his confusion.

What do I want to say with this example? If you have to suffer because of the behavior of your spouse in family life or already in the process of divorce, do not interpret his words and actions, do not take your fantasies for reality. Ask him how things really are. The more accurately you understand the true feelings of a partner, the more clearly you will see the real, and not an invented situation.

Even if you have a complicated and confusing relationship, try to come back to reality and treat your partner with empathy. After all, he can look at you through the prism of his past relationships. And he has his limitations, just like you. The more empathy we show for other people, the stronger we are internally. Try it and see for yourself.